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What We Do in the Shadows Quotes

“Guillermo is my familiar, but sometimes he's a little too familiar, you know what I mean? I mean, he's always just there.”
— Nandor, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Vampie Familars
“Nandor is like a big turkey just walking around trying to control everything on the farm. And Laszlo is my big, crazy, wild bear and we love to chase each other around the house. We have a great time together.”
— Nadja, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Pilot
“It's a glitter portrait. It's a portrait made from glitter.”
— Nandor, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Glitter Portrait
“Government Official: Please describe the right to bear arms.

Nandor: If it's a nice day, you should have the right to bare your arms.

Government Official: All right.Moving on.”
— Nandor, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Citizenship
Tagged: Witty Dialouge , Right to Bear Arms
“We have come up with a list of all the things we would like to change once the vampires are in charge.


 I'd like to see the construction of a huge opaque dome the size of the city, covering the city, and blocking out all sunlight. No noise during daylight hours. All local churches to destroy their crucifixes. A total ban on turtlenecks. A vampire-only television channel. 


I would like for me, personally, my favorite comedy, Priests Falling Over. Free but compulsory harpsichord concerts every day of the week. We would have nun-free zones with a sign that says: ‘No Nuns.No Nuns. None.’”
— Nadja, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: City Council
Tagged: Vampire Demands
“You just shut up now, my stupid little baby.”
— Nadja, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Citizenship
Tagged: Amusing Insults
“When it comes to zoning ordinances, I have a few thoughts.”
— Colin Robinson, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: City Council
Tagged: Emotional Vampires at Town Meetings
“It seems that, uh, government workers are immune to hypnotism. It's like their souls are dead or something.”
— Nandor, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Citizenship
Tagged: Government Workers, The Soulless
“I just brought my friend to a house full of vampires. I brought my virgin friend into a house full of vampires.”
— Guillermo, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: The Orgy
Tagged: Virgins, Vampires, Vampies Eating Virgins
“There is nothing more devastating than finding out your husband has made porn... and it's so bloody boring.”
— Nadja, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: The Orgy
Tagged: Boring Porono
“Vampire sex is like pizza, in that even when it's bad it's good. It's designed to be enjoyed by eight or more people. There's a choice of toppings.And in the morning, you're like, 'Aah! Why do I have puncture wounds on my penis?’”
— Nandor, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: The Orgy
Tagged: Nandor the Relentless, Vampire Sex, Sex and Pizza
“They would call me Nandor the relentless because I would never relent.”
— Nandor, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Relentless, Unrelenting
“Do you remember that first time we made love? It was so passionate, I accidentally cut off your head.”
— Nadja, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Passionate, Lovemaking, Decapitation
“Cashier: Did you just throw a coin at me?

Nandor: Yes.

Cashier: Sir, you can't be throwing ancient coins at me.

Nandor: Guillermo, stab this man.

Guillermo: He's joking.

Nandor: Stab him.

Guillermo: I tried, and...here you go, man.

Cashier: Thank you so much.

Nandor: [to Guillermo] You kind of disobeyed me just now. And I'm noting it.”
— Nandor, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Stabbing, Coins, joking, Disobedience
“The problem with living with other vampires are the vampires I have chosen to stay with.”
— Nadja, What We Do in the Shadows, Season 1: Episode 1
Tagged: Vampires
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