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The Office Quotes

“Get a friend, loser.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Customer Survey
Tagged: friends and losers, insults
“ I've never been a kiss up. It's just not how I operate. I mean I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, half-heartedly.”
— Jim Halpert, The Office, Season 5: Dream Team
Tagged: Kiss Up, Hardly Working, How to impress your boss
“Jim: Say that we're the tour managers for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets.

Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?

Jim: He...is a crime-fighting beaver.”
— Jim Halpert, The Office, Season 7: Todd Packer
Tagged: Justin Bieber, Fighting Crime
“I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before... try.”
— Jim Halpert, The Office, Season 4: Job Fair
Tagged: Working Hard, Hardly Working, Jobs
“I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.”
— Jim Halpert, The Office, Season 3: The Return
Tagged: The Universe
“I think it's great that the company's making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or...and frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.”
— Jim Halpert, The Office, Season 4: Local Ad
Tagged: Dunder Mifflin, Paper company, Commercials
“ Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Christmas Party
Tagged: reverse psychology, Psychology
“In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Classy Christmas
Tagged: Merry Christmas, Christmas, Fear
“Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Initiation
Tagged: Advice, hurts my feelings
“You're a perfectly fine toilet... I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Trivia
Tagged: is this a compliment?, Piece of Shit
“I'm gonna intimidate him, ok? Watch this....So anyways, she said that is the biggest penis I have ever scene and I said I know! That's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: The Sting
Tagged: Intimidating Men, Intimidation
“Ryan: Did you see Saw?

Dwight: Of course I see-saw. Mose and I see-saw all the time.

Ryan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see, the movie Saw.

Dwight: Oh. Yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a see-saw.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 6: The Manager and the Salesman
Tagged: saw, Saw The Movie
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: Mozart, Butch Cassidy
“A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: After Hours
Tagged: What Makes a real man?, Real Men Do This
“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Special Project
Tagged: Peacocks, Powerpoint Presentations
“I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Traveling Salesmen
Tagged: Overslept, Roosters
“The eyes are the groin of the face.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Branch Wars
Tagged: Body Parts
“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: Stress, stress relief
“You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: The Duel
Tagged: Learn Your Rules, Nursery Rhymes
“Smoking is gonna save lives.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: smoking, Fire Drill
“Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Job
Tagged: Bad Relationships, Love is a mystery
“I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Training Day
Tagged: Working Hard or Hardly Working, Working Hard, Hardly Working
“You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Goodbye, Toby
Tagged: Cheating, Don't Cheat
“When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Local Ad
Tagged: Unicorns, Young Mind
“I had a great summer. I got west nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it...”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Nepotism
Tagged: Summertime Fun
“Jim: Wow it's a little early for ice cream don't you think?

Michael: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives. It's comfort food, alright?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: The Cover-Up
Tagged: It's Never Too Early For Ice Cream, comfort food
“Jim: What'd you do, Prison Mike?

Michael: I stole...and I robbed...and I kidnapped the president's son...and held him for ransom.


Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.


Michael: And I never got caught neither.


Jim: Well, you were in prison, but..mhm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Convict
Tagged: Prison Mike, Prison
“Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: Mafia
Tagged: Confusion, Talking Too Much
“I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Lecture Circuit
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance, Theatrics, actor, Singing
“Oh, look! A Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm going to go get me a New York slice!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Valentine's Day
Tagged: New york Pizza, New York City
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