I’ve had a rotten day, and I'm in a foul mood. A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said that she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank G…
Catalog
Show
Married... with Children
Married... with Children is an American sitcom that aired for 11 seasons. It featured a dysfunctional family living in a fictional Chicago, Illinois, suburb. The show, notable for being the first prime-time television series to air on Fox, ran from April
Seasons
I Care, by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I s…
I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
— Ron Leavitt, Arthur Silver, Al Bundy, Ed O'Neill, imdb.com
Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
— Ron Leavitt, Michael G. Moye, Al Bundy, Ed O'Neill, imdb.com
Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
This is bad. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the backyard.
Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to...well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do—but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet s…
Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.
Love, hate. Look, we're a family, what's the difference?
— Stacie Lipp, Gabrielle Topping, Al Bundy, Ed O'Neill, imdb.com
I left you plenty of food. It's at the supermarket.
Love, hate, look, we're a family, what's the difference?
What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impale me on a fence? Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!
Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer, and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?
Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.
We're gonna go where people pretend to want to go when they can't afford to go someplace good. We're gonna see America. We take no map. We'll follow the sun. Stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west, past the cheese factories, where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and…
That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine.
Sure, before you marry them, all women say they like football. But as soon as you say ‘I do,’ they put on about 40 pounds. And the only ‘hike’ you see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives! As for me...I work for a living!
Well, because I just realized that everything I've been doing up to now, the bathing, the tooth brushing, changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed…it's all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married...with children.
Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat. Because we're going to Vegas!