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Growing Pains Quotes

“Ben Seaver: [comes home wearing glasses for the first time] One crack and I'm gone.

Dr. Jason Seaver: [Mike laughs in convulsions] Mike, cut that out.

Mike Seaver: [as if in pain] Oh, you don't know what you're askin', Dad.

Carol Seaver: Well, I'll say something. I think you look brainy.

Ben Seaver: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
[he tries to run back outside, restrained by Jason]

Mike Seaver: Oh, don't stop him, Dad, my pancreas is about to blow.

Ben Seaver: Dad, brainy is just another word for geek.

Dr. Jason Seaver: Hey, I wear glasses, I'm not a geek.

Ben Seaver: Sure, you've got a woman.
[he leaves]

Mike Seaver: [playing it for all it's worth] Oh, man, I gotta go lay down. I think I just hurt myself.”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 7: Paper Tigers
Tagged: glasses, four-eyes, bullying, brainy, geek
“Ben Seaver: [complaining about his bad first day at school] At lunch, some big guy with sideburns forced me to eat green Jell-O. God help me, I liked it.

Chrissy Seaver: [astonished] You ate green Jell-O?

Ben Seaver: Yeah. And it was like a nerd magnet. The whole Chess Club sat with me. They elected me president.

Maggie Malone Seaver: Ben, that doesn't make you a nerd.

Ben Seaver: [he pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket] No? Well, this does. The school nurse says I need glasses. We're talkin' Full Frontal Nerdity.”
— Ben Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 7: Back to School
Tagged: nerd, Jell-O, Chess Club
“Maggie Malone Seaver: [on Chrissy's first day of kindergarten] You are gonna have so much fun today. Just remember to be polite, and share, and do what your teacher says.

Ben Seaver: Great advice, Mom. Why don't you just tattoo 'Dweeb' on her forehead.

Chrissy Seaver: Wait a minute. Nobody said anything about tattoos!

Maggie Malone Seaver: Honey, your brother is just using a figure of speech, as in: Put a sock in it!

Ben Seaver: Mom, on the first day of school, if you're not careful, you'll get a label that's gonna dog you for the rest-a your life.

Chrissy Seaver: [getting nervous] Like what?

Ben Seaver: Sit in front—Dorfburger. Answer any questions—Boogerhead. Hang out with anyone wearing glasses—Geekus Maximus. And most important: Eat the green jello—'Hasta la vista, baby!'

Chrissy Seaver: What is wrong with green Jell-O?

Ben Seaver: Leo 'Lime-Tongue' Plotnick.

Maggie Malone Seaver: And who's he?

Ben Seaver: Just the secretary-slash-treasurer of the Chess Club.”
— Carol Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 7: Back to School
Tagged: Tattoos, Kindergarten, bullying
“Mike Seaver: Don't worry, I'm taking my subjects seriously this year.

Maggie Malone Seaver: [reads his enrollment form] Bugs Bunny as Archetype: Hero or Wascal?'

Mike Seaver: If Boynton State Teachers' College offers it, e-b-dee, e-b-dee, that's enough for me!”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 7: Back to School
Tagged: College, term papers, Bugs Bunny
“I'll get on a scale and PROVE this wasn't my fault!”
— Carol Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 5: Weekend at Mike's
Tagged: Weight, excuses
“Dr. Jason Seaver: [after catching his kids having a party] Carol, what was going on in there that you couldn't hear what was happening out here?

Carol Seaver: Dad, I don't like what you're implying!
[Carol leaves until Mike and Jason see sawdust handprints behind her black skirt]

Dr. Jason Seaver: STOP!

Carol Seaver: [freeze and pauses for a moment] What?

Dr. Jason Seaver: What is on your backside?

Mike Seaver: Carol, looks to me like your butt's got a big mouth.

Carol Seaver: [chuckles in disbelief] Oh, you think these are Frank's, dad? Dad, they're mine. I mean—well, I was just talking to him and standing like this.
[Carol puts her hands behind her trying to play it off]

Mike Seaver: Good, Carol, and dad was worried you were hot for the guy.

Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I think maybe it's time I had a word with Frank—maybe MORE than a word.

Carol Seaver: Daddy, please!
[Jason opens the door to his office purposely knocking Frank off the ladder to the floor]

Dr. Jason Seaver: And another thing: YOU'RE FIRED.”
— Dr. Jason Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 5: The New Deal
Tagged: party, busted, Guilt, Fired
“[as Ben studies, visions of his friends and family appear before him]
Vito Paducci: Ben, what are you doing sitting up studying? You've got the answer sheet in your pocket. Doesn't that bed look mighty comfortable?

Ben Seaver: [scoffs] I can't cheat, Vito, they're onto me!

Vito Paducci: You're not thinking. You don't have to get them all right; just make sure you get a couple wrong.

Ben Seaver: Well, how do I do that?

Vito Paducci: Just be yourself.

Mike Seaver: They're witches, Ben, they're witches!

Maggie Malone Seaver: [evilly] Ben, you bring home another D in Science, you'll see a side of me you have never seen before!

Carol Seaver: [shown in a kangaroo suit] Ben, if I hadn't mentioned it before, let me mention it now: you're a real disappointment to me and the other marsupials.

Vito Paducci: [more visions freak out Ben] Come on, Ben, cheat!

Stinky Sullivan: Yeah, Ben, cheat!

Dr. Jason Seaver: Of course it's not okay to cheat!

Vito Paducci: Hey, who will know?

Mike Seaver: They are witches, Ben!

Stinky Sullivan: What else can we do?

Carol Seaver: [a realistic kangaroo is shown] Marsupial! Marsupial!

Maggie Malone Seaver: [in the style of the Wicked Witch of the West] ... and your little dog, too! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!”
— Margaret "Maggie" Malone Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 5: Cheating
Tagged: studying, Witches, Dreams, Wicked Witch of the West
“Nick Simpson: [observing the 'accident' Mike made with a soda bottle, suspiciously, to Mike] Somebody unscrewed this. This was no accident. Wait a minute... You didn't get too busy and forget, did you?

Mike Seaver: Look, do you know that you're prejudiced, or are you just kidding yourself.

Nick Simpson: [furiously] You rude, smart-assed know-it-all, what are you trying to prove here, huh!

Mike Seaver: I'm not trying; I just proved it.

Nick Simpson: You whitebread suburban punks really get to me! Someday, you'll figure out with the score is!

Mike Seaver: Yeah, well, I just did!

Nick Simpson: You know, you've got a lot to learn about the real world!

Mike Seaver: Yeah, well, I won't be learning it from you! I quit!

[takes off his work jacket]
Nick Simpson: [yells in anger] You know something, you are one confused little kid!

Mike Seaver: [leaves] Not anymore.”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 4: Fortunate Son
Tagged: Rude, suburban, bullies, real world
“Julie Costello: [letter, in tears] 'Dear Mike, by the time you read this, I'll be on a plane. And I've never written a letter like this before, so I don't know how to start. I've been thinking about you and me and marriage, and—well, I know you think that all the time I've been the mature and sure one, but I have to say when it comes to us, you've been the mature one.'

Mike Seaver: [curiously, to himself] I've been the mature one?

Julie Costello: [letter continues] 'Don't deny it. I—I just want to know how you can know so much. Mike, I've got so many questions and I've got so many doubts, and maybe I'm crazy or just scared out of my mind, I don't know, maybe it's just cold feet. But all I know right now is I can't go through with this. And I wanted to tell you all this this morning when you came by, but how could I? I mean you looked so determined with all those invitations under your arm. Well, by the time I got up my courage, I ran out to the hallway and you were already gone. And look, I—I know my confusion must be hard for you to understand.'

Mike Seaver: [solemnly] It's not that hard.

Julie Costello: [letter continues] 'Mike, I'm sorry. I wished I could be more like you and—but I'm not. So take care of yourself. Love, Julie.'”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 5: Mike and Julie's Wedding
Tagged: Letters, Regret, Confusion, Selfish, goodbye
“Dr. Jason Seaver: [Walking into the living room to turn off the TV] Mike, didn't you put your hand over your heart and promise to do your homework?

Mike Seaver: Dad, I will.

Dr. Jason Seaver: Well what do we have to do, pay you to do it?

Mike Seaver: You know, I think you're on to something here, dad.”
— Dr. Jason Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 3: Nasty Habits
Tagged: homework, Bribery
“It's time, Mike, it's time.”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 4: Semper Fidelis
Tagged: pep talk
“Maggie Malone Seaver: Four pages that are typed.

Dr. Jason Seaver: Researched.

Maggie Malone Seaver: Footnoted.

Dr. Jason Seaver: With bibliography.

Maggie Malone Seaver: That you should have been working on for four weeks.

Dr. Jason Seaver: And it is due tomorrow. And...

Maggie Malone Seaver: According to your teacher...

Dr. Jason Seaver: If you don't get at least a 'B' on this paper...

Maggie Malone Seaver: You won't pass the course. That means you...

Carol Seaver: Won't graduate!

Ben Seaver: Yeah!”
— Dr. Jason Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 3: Nasty Habits
Tagged: term papers, Research, Graduation
“Jason: [Mike wants to go to California to see Melina] But Mike, airfare to California is very expensive.

Mike: I know dad, but Carol is lending me the money.

Jason: Oh, get outta town!

Mike: OK, thanks dad, bye!”
— Dr. Jason Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 3: Great Expectations
Tagged: airfare, loans, California
“Dr. Jason Seaver: Out of the way, Ben.

Ben Seaver: Has this been physically cleared by mom?

Dr. Jason Seaver: It has. Yes.

Ben Seaver: You've got something on paper?

Dr. Jason Seaver: Out of the way.”
— Dr. Jason Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 3: Nasty Habits
Tagged: on paper, get out of my way
“Carol Seaver: You mean, you haven't even started yet?

Mike Seaver: What's your point?

Carol Seaver: 4.0. What's yours?”
— Carol Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 3: Nasty Habits
Tagged: procrastination, GPA
“Day-o. Day-ay-ay-o. Daylight come and me wan' go home. Day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day-o. Daylight come and me wan' go home. I work all day when the work is done. Daylight come and me wan' go home. I cook the steak 'til the steak is done. Daylight come and me wan' go home. Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana. Daylight come and me wan' go home.”
— Dr. Jason Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 3: Big Brother is Not Watching
Tagged: Banana Boat Song
“Ben Seaver: [after Carol reads Jason's old book, in delight] So I got a divorce for my family history!

Carol Seaver: I guess...

Ben Seaver: [runs upstairs] Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

[a shot of the Seaver house on a winter's day is shown]
Ben Seaver: [off-camera, shouts] OH, NO! AAAAAHHHH!”
— Ben Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: The Awful Truth
Tagged: Divorce, divorcing your family, Winter
“Come on, you're my sister, I'm supposed to call you ugly.”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: Jimmy Durante Died for Your Sins
Tagged: Sibling rivalry, sister, ugly
“Eddie: Uhh umm uh, what's your dad's name, Bone ?

Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Sylvester.

Mike: Wait a minute... Your dad's name is Sylvester Stabone?

Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Who knew?”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: Higher Education
Tagged: Homonyms, Sylvester Stallone
“Carol Seaver: That will never work.

Mike Seaver: Sure it will, I saw it on The Cosby Show.

Carol Seaver: Mike, that is a television show. This is real life.”
— Carol Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: Jason's Rib
Tagged: Cosby Show, Reality TV, Sitcoms
“Dr. Jason Seaver: [as he is on the phone] Hello, this is—It's a recording. Sexual Fantasies?

Mike Seaver: [Amused] Yeah?

Dr. Jason Seaver: Yeah, Mike.”
— Dr. Jason Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: Call Me
Tagged: phone recordings, Sexual Fantasies
“Mike Seaver: Okay, look one, I was actually on time. And two, I admitted openly and honestly that I lied. And three...

Maggie Malone Seaver: [Interrupting Mike] And three you are grounded in this house. For the remainder of the weekend, in bed by eight, and no TV.

Dr. Jason Seaver: [after Maggie walks away] Well, let's put it this way, Mike. At least you got two of the three points.”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: The Breakfast Club
Tagged: On Time, Tardy to the Party, Grounded
“Mike Seaver: Becky? Wow, you've had quite the summer.

Becky: [sarcastically] And you've had quite the fall. [Becky walks off from Mike]”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: Fast Times at Dewey High
Tagged: Summer, Fall, insults
“Mike Seaver: Hey, guys.

Dr. Jason Seaver: Don't you go far, Mike. I may wanna talk to you.

Mike Seaver: What did I do?

Dr. Jason Seaver: [Angrily] I haven't found it yet.

Mike Seaver: What's going on?

Ben Seaver: [Whispering] It's bill paying day.

Dr. Jason Seaver: Oh, I don't believe this one.

[as the kids run away]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Halt! Two hundred and sixteen dollars for a one-month phone bill?

Mike Seaver: [Shocked at the amount] Is that high?”
— Mike Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 2: Call Me
Tagged: phone bill, Bills
“Ben: [to Jason about his science project] But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mold.

Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now cut it out!

Ben: What's with him?

Mike: He doesn't like you, he never has.”
— Ben Seaver, Growing Pains, Season 1: Jealousy
Tagged: science project, i don't like you
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