It's like goddamn Cocktoberfest in here. I'm excited too, but let's not touch dicks, alright.
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Eastbound & Down
Years after he turned his back on his hometown, a burned-out major league ballplayer returns to teach phys ed at his old middle school.
It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.
There's gonna be an ass-ton of crabs, lobsters, wine, Bartles & Jaymes, corn on the cob, fuckin’ booger sugar.
I'm wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.
Gross! You're crop-dusting my whole entire bedroom with your pubes right now. Don't be sorry, dude. Just cover up that marble sack.
Once again I'm with the hottest chick in town, buyin' the most expensive fashions, dinin' in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddamn jet skis. Rainin' trim. Hallucinogens. Jet skis again. Throwin' heat. And getting laid.
Yeah Stevie, I'm pretty sure the guy I'm looking for didn't direct the fucking Blair Witch Project. Just forget you ever heard the name Eduardo Sanchez. Forget that he supposedly lives in a village near here. Forget that he is not Mexican, but a gringo.
If you've got something you want to say, then just say it. You can save us a lot of time with this fuckin’ pointless history lesson in this goddamn creepy, uninmpressive, fuckin’ hall. I don't like it in here. It's gross.
If I had to choose, I mean historically, I've always considered myself to be a tit man.
Is that my thong? Oh, dude no way! You do not go in my drawers and take out a pair of my chones. That is a big no-no!
I got two hard rules I live by, pop: I don't fuck with the Devil, and I never do tag teams with blood relatives.
Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit?
Yeah, I've actually had multiple orgasms on jet skis. Maybe it's something in our blood that we can just ya know, get hard from riding fuckin’ badass ya know, terrain vehicles...water crafts...
Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold. Instead you're just a whore with a real whore's heart.
I paid cash for the motherfucker. Bought it with an advance that I was paid for this, uh...self help novel I'm about to have published onto the Oprah's book clubs...Pretty much saved all my pennies from my major league days. Invested a lot of it very wisely in stocks, bonds, famous works of arts.
I can't believe I opened up my heart up to that bitch. Opened it wide up. And she just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped all over it.
Chapter 17. Done, and fuckin' done. Just like that, the journey is over...depression is finished, and you're on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people...The road has been paved with dickheads, backstabbers, and pains in the fuckin' ass...but memories were made, allies were…
We can do some fucking great things tonight, you guys. Follow me. Walk with me out on to that field. And when you do, you will fucking put your ass out, and you raise your fucking head up. Know that you'll never, ever...ever reach the heights that you're gonna reach tonight. But you can leave here k…
Truth be told, things aren't going as good for me as I led on to believe. The love of my life married some other dude, and my new girlfriend fed her pussy to the owner of the baseball team I just quit. I stole homeboy's car, and now I'm probably a wanted fugitive.
The good thing about getting over depression is...well...you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn't an obstacle, just some people are...And it might be someone that you find is in your bloodline, distant and as brown as their skin can be, they still are part of you.