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Varsity Blues Quotes

“Never show weakness, the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.”
— Coach Bud Kilmer, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Weakness, Pain, Sadism
“Jonathon ‘Mox’ Moxon: Darcy’s pretty sharp. She pulls A’s.

Julie Harbor: That’s not all she 'pulls.'”
— Jonathan 'Mox' Moxon, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Double Entendre
“Mox: I’m a good boy. I’ve always been good. What’s my upside to being good? [looks at at box of condoms] I mean, I’m 18 years old, it’s not like I’m married to her. She invited me over. I’m just being polite—right, Kyle? [pause] Kyle?

Kyle: I only answer to one name. I am the Great and Honorable Al-Ali Akbar Shabaz Da.

Mox: That’s a bunch of names.

Kyle: But there is only one god. All praise be to Allah.

Mox: Yeah. Well, would Allah nail Darcy if he had the chance? I think so.”
— Jonathan 'Mox' Moxon, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Allah, condoms, Sacrilege
“In America, we have laws. Laws against killing, laws against stealing. And it is just accepted that as a member of American society, you will live by these laws. In West Canaan, Texas, there is another society which has its own laws. Football is a way of life.”
— Jonathan 'Mox' Moxon, Varsity Blues
Tagged: America, Laws, Killing, Football
“Jonathon ‘Mox’ Moxon: The male erection? Pitchin’ a tent, sportin’ a wood, the icicle if formed, the march is on...

Miss Davis: That’s good...

Jonathon ‘Mox’ Moxon: Stiff, stiffie, Mr. Mortis, rigor mortis has set in, flesh rocket, Jack’s magic beanstalk, tall Tommy, mushroom on a stick, Mr. Mushroomhead, purple-headed yogurt slinger...and, uh, Pedro.

Miss Davis: Pedro?

Jonathon ‘Mox’ Moxon: Mm-hum.”
— Jonathan 'Mox' Moxon, Varsity Blues
Tagged: erection, Euphemisms
“Now, we go out there and we half-ass it because we’re scared, all we’re left with is an excuse. We’re always gonna wonder. But we go out there and we give it absolutely everything...that’s heroic. Let’s be heroes!”
— Jonathan 'Mox' Moxon, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Half-Ass, Scared, Heroic
“[after Kilmer left the locker room after choking Moxon] Before this game started, Kilmer said ‘48 minutes for the next 48 years of your life.’ I say ‘fuck that.’ All right? Fuck that. Let’s go out there, and we play the next 24 minutes for the next 24 minutes, and we leave it all out on the field. We have the rest of our lives to be mediocre, but we have the opportunity to play like gods for the next half of football.”
— Jonathan 'Mox' Moxon, Varsity Blues
Tagged: mediocre, fuck that
“Playing football at West Canaan may have been the opportunity of your lifetime, but I don’t want your life!”
— Jonathan 'Mox' Moxon, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Football, Opportunity, Lifetime
“Jonathan Moxon, you are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your goddamn clothes and get in the car.”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: you're under arrest, sophomore, Naked
“Charlie Tweeder: Say I’m stupid and I’m about to get hit in the nuts.

Billy Bob: That’s funny.

Charlie Tweeder: Ain’t it funny? That’s what I mean. See, they need to change the name of the show to America’s funniest shots in the nuts.”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: ow my balls, kick in the nuts
“[Mooning Mox and Billy Bob through the truck window] Good moonin, boys! Good moonin! I have been up since the crack of dawn and I had to ass you a question.”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Mooning, ass, crack of dawn
“Charlie Tweeder: What is up with Carrie Ann Baker?

Billy Bob: Darcy’s friend?

Charlie Tweeder: Oh, my God! She’s got this look. Like, I just fell out of the I’m-gonna-suck-your-dick tree and hit every branch on the way down!”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Slut Shaming, suck your dick
“Police Officer: Congratulations.

Charlie Tweeder: Congratulations to you, too.

Police Officer: Congratulations for what?

Charlie Tweeder: For getting to wear such cute ‘mount me’ hats.

Police Officer: Mount me?

Charlie Tweeder: Not right away. After a few drinks...”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Congratulations, disrespect
“Well, we’re all naked in there and we’ve got handcuffs and cool shit to play with, so take off your clothes and get in the car.”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: bondage, S&M, handcuffs, cool shit
“Charlie Tweeder: Hey, you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance? [Tweeder dances] You know what it’s called?

Mox: What?

Charlie Tweeder: The New Tweeder End Zone Dance.”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: End Zone, dance, eponymous
“Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Misogyny, nipples, Sexual Assault
“[singing] ‘She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw.’”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Misogyny, Heartbreak, Domestic Violence
“Charlie Tweeder: Will you listen to me? Bitches are all just panty-droppers. You understand? That’s it.

Mox: What?

Charlie Tweeder: Listen. You give ‘em a Percocet, two Vicodin and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It’s very nice.

Mox: [laughing]

Charlie Tweeder: [emphatically] It’s nice.

Mox: Tweeder, you think you’ll enjoy prison?

Charlie Tweeder: [not paying attention] I don’t know. [looks into his jockstrap] The fuck is that?”
— Charlie Tweeder, Varsity Blues
Tagged: Bitches, panty-droppers, date rape drugs, STDs, Prison
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