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  3. Shaun of the Dead

Shaun of the Dead Quotes

“[Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara’s house and sees Philip’s Jaguar in the driveway]

Ed: Oh! Hello! Who’s a pretty boy, then? [wolf whistle] You didn’t tell me Barbara had a Jag. I’ve always wanted to drive one of those.

Shaun: Yeah, well, it’s Philip’s, okay? He won’t let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.

Ed: Fuck. It’s gorgeous.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Jaguar, Fuck
“Ed: I’m sorry, Shaun.

Shaun: It’s OK.

Ed: No, I’m sorry, Shaun.

Shaun: What? [smells Ed’s fart] Oh, God, that’s rotten!

Ed: I’ll stop doing it when you stop laughing!

Shaun: I am not laughing.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Farts, cropdusting
“Shaun: [shouts] What am I doing? What are you doing, you stupid moron?

Ed: Fuck off!

Shaun: [shouts] You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I’ve spent...look at me! I’ve spent my entire life sticking my neck out for you, and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I’m not going to let you do it anymore. OK? Not today!

Liz: Shaun!

Shaun: What? [sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them] Oh.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Fuck, fuck off, stupdendous
“Ed: [Directing Shaun on where to shoot] There!

Shaun: Where?

Ed: Three o’clock!

Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve.

Shaun: What?

David: Eleven forty-five!

Shaun: Keep it simple!

Ed: Top left.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: clockwise, shooting
“Shaun: No, Noel, no matter you might think, okay, I do not find it difficult to keep my work and my social life separate.

Worker: Shaun, it’s Liz for you. [hands him the phone]”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: compartmentalizing, Work Life, personal life
“If you get cornered...[hits himself on head with cricket bat]...bash ’em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: self-harm, Slapstick
“David: Basically, I’d say your nine lives are up, Shaun.

Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don’t you go out with her if you love her so much?

David: What do you mean by that? [storms off] Well, I don’t know what he meant by that. [uncomfortable silence]”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: get fucked, four eyes, Nine Lives
“David: You still haven’t met his mum?

Shaun: Not yet!

Dianne: Don’t you get on with your mum, Shaun?

Shaun: It’s not that I don’t get on with her...

David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?

Shaun: No! I love my mum!

Ed: I love his mum, too.

Shaun: Ed!

Ed: [singing] She’s like butter!

Shaun: Ed.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: mum, mother, butter
“[Shaun hands Liz a bunch of flowers]
Shaun: Got you these. [Liz reads the label]

Liz: ‘To a wonderful mum’?

Shaun: [sniggers] Oooh! Yeah, that’s, because...I thought, it would be, funny, because of what you said last night about me y’know, don’t wanna be my mum and that. It’s just a little joke, just sort of spur of the moment...[long pause]

Liz: They’re for your mum, aren’t they?

Shaun: Yeah.

Liz: Smooth.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Flowers, Regifting
“Ed: See? You don’t need Liz to have a good time.

Shaun: Oh, don’t, man.

Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I’m not gonna say, you know, there’s plenty more fish in the sea. I’m not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I’m not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this? [chuckling] It’s not the end of the world.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Cliches, plenty of fish
“Shaun: [about Ed] Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know. You’ve sold puff.

Pete: Yeah. Once. At college. To you.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Weed, College
“Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip’s been quite unkind to me?

Barbara: Well, you weren’t always the easiest person to live with.

Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!

Barbara: Well, you did call him a you-know-what!

Shaun: Oh what, did he tell you that?

Barbara: Yes he did.

Shaun: Motherfucker!

Barbara: Shaun!

Shaun: Sorry, mother...mum! Did you know that on several occasions...he touched me? [long pause, then Barbara turns to look at Shaun] That wasn’t true. Made it up. Shouldn’t have done. Sorry.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Motherfucker, unkind, false rape allegations
“Shaun: Well maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.

Liz: Oh maybe you should do me, I’ll only muck it up if I have to do myself. [Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then himself, to see how it feels]

Shaun: You know, I don’t think I’ve got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same night.

Liz: [pauses] What makes you think I’d have taken you back?

Shaun: Well...you don’t want to die single, do you?

Ed: [interrupting] That’s it. I would like to be shot.

Shaun: Besides, I’ve changed. I haven’t had a fag since yesterday, I promise!

Ed: He hasn’t.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Cigarettes, Mortality
“Shaun: Pete? Pete?

Ed: Why don’t we just go up?

Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don’t go up there!

Ed: Why not?

Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work.

Ed: Well, how come he didn’t drive? His keys are still here.

Shaun: Well, maybe he got a lift; he said he wasn’t feeling very well. Pete?

Ed: OI, PRICK!

[There is a pause]

Shaun, Ed: [together] He’s not in.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: annoyed, Prick
“Liz: You hang out with my friends? Sorry, a failed actress and a twat?

Shaun: Well, that’s a bit harsh.

Liz: Your words!

Shaun: I did NOT call Dianne a failed actress.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: twat, failed actress
“Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.

Shaun: Well, are they still there?

Barbara: [over the phone] I’m not sure, we’ve shut the curtains.

Shaun: Did you try the police?

Barbara: [over the phone] Well, I thought about it.

Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you?

Barbara: [over the phone] No, I’m fine. I’m fine.

Shaun: Mum...

Barbara: [over the phone] Well, they were a bit...bitey.

Shaun: [concerned] Mum, have you been bitten?

Barbara: [over the phone] No...but Philip has.

Shaun: [calmly] Oh, OK.

Ed: Has she been bitten?

Shaun: [to Ed] No, Philip has.

Ed: [calmly] Oh, OK.

Shaun: Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in?

Barbara: [over the phone] Oh, he’s fine. Bit under the weather.

Shaun: I see.

Ed: What’s the deal?

Shaun: [to Ed] We may have to kill my stepdad.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Burglar, zombies
“Shaun: [about Ed] I’ve known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he’s a laugh.

Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo!

Shaun: Oh, leave him alone.

Pete: All right, I admit, he can pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple Schnapps and playing Tekken 2.

Shaun: Oh yeah. [laughing] When was that?

Pete: [laughing] That was five years ago. When’s he going home?”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: schnapps, orangutan
“Ed: What happened to your hand, man?

Pete: I got mugged on the way home.

Ed: By who?

Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me.

Ed: Why’d they bite you?

Pete: I don’t know, I didn’t stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and your stupid hip-hop isn’t helping. And the front door is open...AGAIN!

Ed: It’s not hip-hop, it’s electro. Prick...next time I see him, he’s dead.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Hip-Hop, electro, Crackheads, Headache
“Ed: [sees a zombified Pete] Hey, Shaun, look who it is!

Shaun: Fuck-a-doodle-do.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Fuck
“Pete: It’s four in the fucking morning!

Shaun: It’s Saturday!

Pete: No, it’s not. It’s fucking Sunday. And I’ve got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours ’cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I’m SO FUCKING ANGRY?

Ed: Fuck, yeah.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Fucking, angry, Work
“Ed: Any zombies out there?

Shaun: Don’t say that!

Ed: What?

Shaun: That!

Ed: What?

Shaun: The zed-word. Don’t say it!

Ed: Why not?

Shaun: Because it’s ridiculous!

Ed: All right...are there any out there, though?

[Looking out of the letter box, he sees an empty street]

Shaun: I can’t see any. Maybe it’s not as bad as all that. [He turns his head and sees a pack of zombies] Oh, no, there they are.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: zombies, zed
“Ed: What’s the plan, then?

Shaun: Right. [cuts to dream sequence] We take Pete’s car, we drive over to Mum’s, we go in, take care of Philip—‘I’m so sorry, Philip’—then we grab Mum, we go over to Liz’s place, hole up, have a cup of tea, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz’s?

Shaun: Because we do.

Ed: But she dumped you!

Shaun: I have to know if she’s all right!

Ed: Why?

Shaun: Because I love her!

Ed: All right...gayyy...I’m not staying there, though.

Shaun: Why not?

Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.

Shaun: Okay. [cuts to dream sequence again] We take Pete’s car, go round Mum’s, go in, deal with Philip—‘Sorry, Philip!’—grab Mum, go to Liz’s, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Ed: Perfect!

Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can’t bring her back here.

Ed: Why not?

Shaun: Well, it’s not really safe, is it?

Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it.

Shaun: Where’s safe? Where’s familiar?

Ed: Where can I smoke? [Shaun and Ed pause, then slowly make a realization]

Shaun: [cuts to dream sequence a third time] Take car. Go to Mum’s. Kill Phil—‘Sorry.’—grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?

Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee! [Shaun and Ed clang their weapons together]”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: dream sequence
“[looking through Shaun’s LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]

Ed: ‘Purple Rain’?

Shaun: No.

Ed: ‘Sign o’ the Times’?

Shaun: Definitely not.

Ed: The ‘Batman’ soundtrack?

Shaun: Throw it.

Ed: ‘Dire Straits’?

Shaun: Throw it.

Ed: Ooh, ‘Stone Roses.’

Shaun: Um, No.

Ed: ‘Second Coming.’

Shaun: I like it!

Ed: Ahhh! ‘Sade.’

Shaun: Yeah, but that’s Liz’s!

Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you.

Shaun: Oh.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: zombies, Prince, Sade, Dire Straits, Batman
“Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, ‘The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.’ I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.

Liz: Was that on a beer mat?

Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold.

Liz: I won’t say anything.

Shaun: Thanks.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Bertrand Russell, Beer Mat, Guinness Extra Cold
“As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no ‘I’ in team, but there is an ‘I’ in pie. And there’s an ‘I’ in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team...I don’t know what he’s talking about.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: anagram, Team, Confusion, Meat, Pie
“Shaun: David, kill the Queen!

David: What?

Shaun: The jukebox.”
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Tagged: Queen, jukebox, Double Entendre
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