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Catalog

Movie

Grumpy Old Men

by Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman and 34 others(19 total)

For decades, next-door neighbors and former friends John and Max have feuded, trading insults and wicked pranks. When an attractive widow moves in nearby, their bad blood erupts into a high-stakes rivalry full of naughty jokes and adolescent hijinks. Will

Characters

Mark Steven Johnson (19)Adam Brooks (19)Akiva Goldsman (19)Robin Swicord (19)Max Goldman (11)Walter Matthau (11)Jack Lemmon (6)John Gustafson (6)Grandpa Gustafson (2)Burgess Meredith (2)

Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, imdb.com

kids

John Gustafson: Ohh, you don't know a damn thing about me... Ariel Truax: I do, too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, imdb.com

Regret risks

Ariel Truax: John, when was the last time you made love? John Gustafson: October 4th...1978. Ariel Truax: Oh, I think we're safe.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, imdb.com

incel

Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, imdb.com

sexual euphemisms

We did the horizontal mambo.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, imdb.com

sexual euphemisms

Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys? John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron. Ariel Truax: Is that Max? John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly, isn't he? Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends? John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know a…

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, imdb.com

Moron ugly Romantic

Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

Swedophobia

John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes. Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, imdb.com

smoking filtered cigarettes

[Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, imdb.com

laying pipe sexual escapades

Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr! Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

Cold Weather fatass

Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the lowlife, asswipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson? Snyder: Have you seen him? Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their c…

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

asswipe egg-sucker lowlife Drinking medication

Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

dickhead lottery

If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

Nude Scene

Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae. John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize. Max Goldman: She was to me. John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize! Max Goldman: She was to me. John Gustafson: Well, that's w…

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

arguments Alzheimer's

Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi. John Gustafson: Lucky bastard. Max Goldman: You bet. John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway? Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact! John Gustafson:…

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

Mississippi River Moron

Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead. John Gustafson: Hello, moron.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

dickhead Moron insults

Jacob: You're a child. Max Goldman: Don't tell me, Jacob; it isn't me. Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940. Max Goldman: ’38.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

Fighting Nitpicking

When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

ulcers Farting razor blades

Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, imdb.com

insults

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