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Grumpy Old Men Quotes

“Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: kids
“Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: sexual euphemisms
“Ariel Truax: John, when was the last time you made love?

John Gustafson: October 4th...1978.

Ariel Truax: Oh, I think we're safe.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: incel
“We did the horizontal mambo.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: sexual euphemisms
“Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys?

John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron.

Ariel Truax: Is that Max?

John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly, isn't he?

Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends?

John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know any better.

Ariel Truax: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?

John Gustafson: Oh? Guess.

Ariel Truax: A woman!

[John nods]

Ariel Truax: How romantic.

John Gustafson: No, it wasn't romantic at all.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Moron, ugly, Romantic
“John Gustafson: Ohh, you don't know a damn thing about me...

Ariel Truax: I do, too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Regret, risks
“John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.

Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: smoking, filtered cigarettes
“[Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: laying pipe, sexual escapades
“Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Swedophobia
“Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!

Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Cold Weather, fatass
“Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the lowlife, asswipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?

Snyder: Have you seen him?

Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.

Snyder: Medication?

Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: asswipe, egg-sucker, lowlife, Drinking, medication
“Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: dickhead, lottery
“If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Nude Scene
“Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.

John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!

Max Goldman: She was the best.

John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!

Max Goldman: Yeah!

John Gustafson: Yeah.

Max Goldman: What?

John Gustafson: What?

Max Goldman: Huh?

John Gustafson: Huh?

John Gustafson: What...?

[Both forget what they were arguing about]”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: arguments, Alzheimer's
“Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.

John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.

Max Goldman: You bet.

John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?

Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!

John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Mississippi River, Moron
“Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.

John Gustafson: Hello, moron.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: dickhead, Moron, insults
“Jacob: You're a child.

Max Goldman: Don't tell me, Jacob; it isn't me.

Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.

Max Goldman: ’38.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Fighting, Nitpicking
“When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: ulcers, Farting, razor blades
“Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: insults
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