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50 First Dates Quotes

“Henry: I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking of you the whole time.

Lucy: OK, pervert. I think that you should leave.

Henry: What? I was just joking around because of what we talked about yesterday.

Lucy: Yesterday? I've never even met you.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Pervert, petting the walrus, joking
“Henry: Actually I'm not drunk at all, Noreen, and neither are you, because there's no alcohol in these drinks. Sadly, I've used this technique many times. It helps lovely tourists such as yourself loosen up without impairing your ability to stay awake all night and have guilt free vigorous sex with me.

Noreen: Wow!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Drunk, nonalcoholic drinks, tourists, Sex
“Henry: And why is your foot on my pillow?

Ula: Sorry, brah. [removes to reveal a dirty footprint and brushes it off, then sits on the pillow]

Henry: And I don't want your ass on it, either!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Gross, Foot, pillow, ass
“Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore... would you consider that like a binding promise?

Alexa: Absolutely.

Henry: Yeah?

Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things.

Henry: Like?

Alexa: For example. If I promised a woman's father I would not see her...I would simply shut my eyes, while she serviced my manhood. [Jocko the walrus, slaps his face]

Henry: That's actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way. [Alexa's smile drops]”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: manhood, Dating, promises
“Remember to use a condom, or in your case, a Hefty bag.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: condom, Hefty Bag, huge penis
“Ula: You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt.

Henry: She's got brain damage, you psycho.

Ula: Okay, I'll give you that one. But I think it'd be healthy for you. You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl for many years.

Henry: I appreciate your interest Ula, but leave me alone.

Ula: Hey, you'd be doing exactly what her father does: Giving her a wonderful day. Then when it's time for you to go on your big boat trip, poof, you just leave. She'll never even know you're gone.

Henry: See I'm not sure about the 'poofing' part, because I'm not a very big poofer. Could you demonstrate a good poof for me.

Ula: Quit busting my coconuts for five seconds.

Henry: Alright. Would you stop poofing on that joint and do some work!

Ula: Okay. Let's get this sucker ready. Then we're gonna take her out for a spin.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Commitment, Brain Damage, psycho, poofing
“Henry: Okay, well, I had a great time.

Lucy: Me too.

Henry: Okay.

Lucy: Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time? Because I teach art class at ten.

Henry: Oh, really?

Lucy: Yeah.

Henry: I wish I could make it, but, yes, I will be there.

Lucy: Take care.

Henry: Okay.

Lucy: One for the road. It is fishy.

Henry: Got you good. Aloha.

Lucy: Aloha.

Henry: See you tomorrow. Oh, my God.

Lucy: Oh, my goodness.

Henry: Shit. I had a bee on me.

Lucy: All right.

Henry: It was a big one.

Old Hawaiian Man: [talks in Hawaiian] Which means 'look at those two shitheads'.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: shithead, Aloha, breakfast
“[Henry sticks a toothpick in Lucy's waffle house]
Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.

Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?

Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country. Were you gonna eat that?”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Gross, waffle house, toothpick
“Jet Skier: [Henry jumps on a jet ski] What the hell is wrong with you?

Henry: Just keep going, I'll give you twenty dollars.

Jet Skier: You got it. How's your balls?

Henry: Killing me. Hit it.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Blue Balls, Jet Ski
“Lucy: What are you doing?

Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you...

Lucy: You were going for a feelski!

Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the twenty-third time we've made out already and...they're getting blue!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Blue Balls, Making Out, Cop a Feel
“Henry: Can I ask you guys something? What's gonna happen down the line? Someday she's gonna wake up and look in the mirror and notice her face's aged ten years overnight.

Marlin: You know something, Henry? I worry about that every day of my damn life.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: worry, Mirror, Aging
“[to Lucy] Good morning. Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey. Okay, I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but we are actually seeing each other.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Dating, Good Morning
“Henry: I bet you twenty bucks I can get her to have breakfast with me again.

Nick: You're on.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: dates, breakfast, Bets
“Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.

Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.

Henry: Thank you.

Doug: How long'th it going to take?

Henry: Uh... about a year.

Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.

Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.

Marlin: What are you trying to say?

Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.

Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?

Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: 'Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head.'

Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?

Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?

Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.

Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.

Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.

Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.

Doug: Very funny.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: lisp, sweet dreams, walrus
“Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.

Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.

Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?

Henry: Um, I guess. [Doug grabs the box]

Marlin: Doug!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: lisp
“Henry: Do you have any idea who I am?

Lucy: No.

Henry: No. That sucks.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Fame, Obscurity, Sucks
“Henry: [on video] The part of you for this reenactment will be played by my good friend, Ula.

Ula: [on video] Aloha. Sorry about your brain.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Video, Brain, insults
“Henry: Wait, uh... What is going on? I was kidding around with you! What's happening here? Is she crazy or something?

Sue: Lucy is a very special person. Very different from other people.

Henry: OK.

Sue: About a year ago, Lucy was in a terrible car accident. She and her father went up North Shore to get a pineapple. Her Father broke some ribs, but Lucy suffered a serious head injury. She lost her short term memory.

Henry: So she can't remember anything?

Sue: No, no, no. She has all of her long term memory. That's a different part of the brain. Her whole life, up to the night before the accident, she remembers. She just can't retain any new information. It's like her slate gets wiped clean every night while she sleeps.

Henry: Hold on, here. This sounds like something I would tell a psycho girl so she would stop calling me. Am I the psycho girl?

Sue: I wish I was making this up! She has no memory that she ever met you.

Henry: What about the pineapple thing?

Sue: She says that every day, because each morning she wakes up thinking it's October thirteenth of last year. She comes here for breakfast because that's what she did on Sundays, and October thirteenth was a Sunday. She has no idea it's more than a year later.

Henry: She reads the newspaper though.

Sue: It's a special paper her Father puts on their porch every night. It's from the day of her accident. He got hundreds of them printed up. Lucy does the same thing every day.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: north shore, pineapple, newspaper
“Henry: Hey! Tattoo Face!

Nick: Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Peanut Butter Cups, tattoo face, Nicknames Dating
“Henry: Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that!

Ula: How do you think I get the dolphins to do double-flips and play with the white kids?”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: White Kids, Anti-White, dolpnins, Brownies
“Lucy: I don't know who you are, Henry... but I dream about you almost every night. [apprehensive pause] Why?

Henry: What would you say if I told you that notebook you read every day used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?

Lucy: I would say that that makes a lot of sense.

Henry: You erased me from your memories because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life. But you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams... and apparently, I'm the man of yours.

Lucy: [barely able to contain herself, she reaches out and shakes his hand] Henry. It's nice to meet you.

Henry: Lucy, it's nice to meet you, too.

Ten Second Tom: [just as they are about to kiss] Hi, I'm Tom!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Dreams, Happiness
“The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an asshole! [starts singing off key to 'Wouldn't It Be Nice', then breaks out in tears] WHY would you do this to me? [leans against the boat wheel and sobs] Oh my god, is he trying to tell me something?”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Beach Boys, Wouldn't It Be Nice, asshole
“Henry: Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt, but I notice we were both eating alone and I thought perhaps I could sit with you, maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi for your waffle house?

Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.

Henry: You're making up a boyfriend so you can get rid of me?

Lucy: No. I'm not.

Henry: What's his name then?

Lucy: Ringo.

Henry: Is his last name, Starr?

Lucy: No. McCartney.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Jacuzzi, Syrup, ringo starr, paul mccartney, Ringo McCartney
“Henry: Okay, this is her. Start beating me up. Make it look good.

Ula: Give me your wallet. OK, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island, eat our pineapple?

Henry: Help me! Not so hard. Take it easy.

Ula: Try to bang our women. Making my sister clean your hotel room.

Henry: OK. What does that have to do with this? Relax. Hey! Hey! Help me, please!

Ula: Stupid haole!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: haole, Anti-White, Fake Crime
“Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?

Marlin: yea.

Henry: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaiian contest?

Doug: I didn't know there wath gonna be a urine tethst.

Lucy: [to Henry] Did we have sex? [Marlin and Doug look at Henry]

Henry: No, we didn't. Just so everyone knows. [Marlin and Doug turn away] We want to! [Marlin and Doug look again] Just kidding.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: lisp, Marriage
“Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.

Linda: Linda.

Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: alias, Protection
“Ula: Really? Even though in 10-15 years she could possibly let herself go and then sex would be like, nauseating, for you?

Henry: What, are you nuts? Your wife's right over there.

Ula: I'm just kidding, Muumuu!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Sex, Nauseating
“Henry: [to Penguin] OK, pal. When she stops, just let her pet you. Look cute. Go to the middle of the road. Thank you. Right there. Perfect.

Lucy: Oh, shit.

Henry: Here she comes. Smile. Where is she? Oh, my God! Oh no! Okay that didn't work. Shit your pants? So did I!”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Smile, shit your pants
“Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.

Henry: That's my joke.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: Whales, Mammals, penis, penis jokes
“Henry: [on First Date #1] You know, why don't you try this? It's a kind of hinge.

Lucy: Now, why didn't I think of that?

Henry: You're too close to the object. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Lucy: You're right. Sometimes you need an outsider's perspective.

Henry: Fresh eye never hurts.

Lucy: I'm Lucy.

Henry: Yes. I'm Henry Roth. Nice to meet you.

Lucy: Nice to meet you.”
— Henry Roth, 50 First Dates
Tagged: first date, nice to meet you
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