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Scrubs Quotes

“J.D.: Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

Elliot: Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. That said 'Bone City.'”
— Elliot Reid, Scrubs, Season 5: My Half-Acre
Tagged: Sex, Kiss-and-tell, Bone City, Texting, Friends
“Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!

Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.”
— Christopher Turk, Scrubs, Season 6: My Coffee
Tagged: Vagina, Childhood Innocence, awkward, Birthday Parties, Fatherhood
“J.D.: You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!

Turk: Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.”
— Christopher Turk, Scrubs, Season 6: My Musical
Tagged: Guy Love, Appendix, Friendship, Double-Meaning
“J.D.: A baby-moon is a vacation that couples take just before your baby comes out of your special area. And the resort I found is amazing; they have horseback riding, and jet-skiing...

Elliot: Oh, do they also have any punching each other in the stomach contests? Because that's another thing I can't do.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 9: Our Stuff Gets Real
Tagged: Baby, Babymoon, Horseback Riding, Pregnancy, Marriage, Sassy
“ It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. You smell like a father figure.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 8: My Finale, Part 1
Tagged: Love, Father Figure, Fellings, Friendship, Mentor
“ Look, Elliot, I don't know if it's possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 8: My Soul on Fire, Part 2
Tagged: Love, Feelings, Words, Whole World, Love You More Than
“Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still actually enjoy it.”
— Perry Cox, Scrubs, Season 8: My Absence
Tagged: Death, Funny, Flattened, comedy, Humor In Death
“Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.”
— Bob Kelso, Scrubs, Season 8: My New Role
Tagged: Retirement, Morning-After, Pills, Senior Citizen, old age
“I grew up on the street... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 8: My ABC's
Tagged: Sesame Street, Grew Up, Hood, Neighborhood, Growth
“The point is, Elliot. You're a lot stronger than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 8: My Happy Place
Tagged: strength, Change, beard, Growth
“Dr Cox: So, Gandhi, what did your wife think of her terrible present?

Turk: I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.”
— Christopher Turk, Scrubs, Season 7: My Bad Too
Tagged: presents, spanish, Spanish Speaking, Secret Power, Treats
“As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something: It should have been me.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 6: My Cold Shower
Tagged: Love, Regret, Relationships, Forever, Reigniting
“Turk: Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, 'it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over.'

Dr. Cox: Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?

J.D.: Is he the black golfer?”
— Christopher Turk, Scrubs, Season 6: My Fishbowl
Tagged: Bounce Back, Idiot, Two Idiots, Black Golfer, Michael Jordan, Bleak Moments
“Carla: Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.

Turk: Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.

Carla: No, you got him a present yesterday.”
— Christopher Turk, Scrubs, Season 6: My Therapeutic Month
Tagged: Love, Best Friends, Friendship, presents, Marriage
“You've been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's 'Dorian'.”
— Perry Cox, Scrubs, Season 6: My Road to Nowhere
Tagged: Wrong, Insult, Diss, Rude
“Hey, nice singlet! Does it come in hetero?”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 6: My Friend With Money
Tagged: Fashion, Singlet, Hetero
“Patient: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.

Janitor: Punch a whale.

Patient: Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.”
— Janitor, Scrubs, Season 6: My Mirror Image
Tagged: Bucketlist, Family, Regrets, travel, Whale
“Carla: Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?

Turk: Baby!

J.D.: Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 5: My Urologist
Tagged: Sex, Crying, Cry-Maxing, orgasm, No Shame
“Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.

Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.

Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.

Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.”
— Christopher Turk, Scrubs, Season 5: My Bright Idea
Tagged: Pregnancy Test, Pizza Rolls, Waiting, Miscommunication, food
“Carla: I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.

Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.”
— Christopher Turk, Scrubs, Season 5: My New God
Tagged: Mad, Danny Devito, bald, angry, Marriage
“Carla: J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.

J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.

Carla: They're satin, J.D.”
— Carla Espinosa, Scrubs, Season 5: My Day at the Races
Tagged: Man-Panties, Boxers, Satin, comfortable
“ Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Season 5: My Intern's Eyes
Tagged: breasts, healthy, unhealthy, Big Breasts, Double-Ds
“How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?”
— Elliot Reid, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Big Move
Tagged: Women, awkward, Insecure, self-conscious, Teenage Girls
“ Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy”
— Bob Kelso, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Boss's Free Haircut
Tagged: World, Easy, Worth It, Life, meaningful
“Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my sister!”
— Carla Espinosa, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Best Laid Plans
Tagged: Overreaction, Children, Frantic, Freak-out
“I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.”
— Perry Cox, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Unicorn
Tagged: Moments, Sex, Love, Great Times
“No matter how much we like to pretend otherwise, strong confident women will always have the power over us. Whether they're fighting for respect, fighting for their man, or even just fighting for the hell of it. Strong women make all guys feel the same way.”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Female Trouble
Tagged: Strong Women, Confidence, Power, Respect, strength
“Elliot: Carla, when I became Chief Resident, I wrote a pledge to myself. And do you know what it said?

Carla: Mm-mm?

Elliot: It said 'Dance like nobody is watching.' Which I do, constantly... in my living room, with the shades closed just in case somebody is watching. But it also said not to hide problems away.”
— Elliot Reid, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Malpractical Decision
Tagged: Dancing, Hide Problems, Dance Like Nobody Is Watching, Pledge, Contradiction
“Turk: J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells!

J.D.: Why'd you get a new cell phone number? Your old number spelled 'kufunninapuh.'

Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-CALL-TURK. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!

J.D.: How'm I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with 'kufunninapuh'!”
— John 'J.D.' Dorian, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Malpractical Decision
Tagged: Friends, Spelling, Change, Big News, cell phone
“Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!”
— Perry Cox, Scrubs, Scrubs Season 4: My Malpractical Decision
Tagged: Vomit, Gagging, Sick
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