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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Quotes

“Greg: Wait, so you left a job in New York to live near the beach? We're four hours from the beach - people say two, but those people are dumb.

Rebecca: Yeah, but it's such a great place. I mean, the motto is 'Live, Work, Play.'

Greg: We have a motto?”
— Greg Serrano, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh Just Happens to Live Here!
Tagged: beach, Moving Away, live, Work, play, Motto, dumb
“Rebecca: Well, if it isn't Mr. 'I can't come to your party, because I have a bunch of complicated reasons. I prob'ly have to buy more black clothing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.'

Greg: That's a long name I have. Polish?”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: I Hope Josh Comes to My Party!
Tagged: party, excuses, Long Name, Complicated
“I don't believe in sick. If it's not cancer, you come to work. In fact, most cancers are a half day.”
— Nathaniel Plimpton, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Is Josh Free in Two Weeks?
Tagged: Sick, cancer, Day off, Sick Day
“ I won't be back to normal 'til I see what your nipples look like!”
— Nathaniel Plimpton, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Josh is the Man of My Dreams, Right?
Tagged: normal, nipples, Sex
“Unfortunately, I wanna have sex with you. Don't know what happened, maybe you lost some weight. For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list. Let's get this over with so I can focus on other tasks.”
— Nathaniel Plimpton, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Josh is the Man of My Dreams, Right?
Tagged: Sex, Needs, Attraction
“Naomi: Don't touch the air conditioning, I sweat like a pig!

Rebecca: It's like the FROZEN TUNDRA in here!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Will Scarsdale Like Josh's Shayna Punim?
Tagged: cold, frozen, sweating, Mother-Daughter
“It's what my father always told me, that if I ever tried to make something of myself, that no man would want me and so, I mean, just like the minute that I try to pursue my dreams, my husband 'accidentally' falls into another woman's vagina!”
— Paula Proctor, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Who Is Josh's Soup Fairy?
Tagged: Dreams, Cheating, Sex, Marriage
“Ah, not a problem for me. I love a good public poo. It's like, leave it and forget it - not my mess!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Why is Josh’s Ex-Girlfriend Eating Carbs?
Tagged: Poop, Mess, public, Gross
“This is why I'm growing out my pubic hair - because it makes me feel like a fierce animal!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Why is Josh’s Ex-Girlfriend Eating Carbs?
Tagged: pubic hair, Fierce, animal
“I'm gonna let destiny take the wheel, like Jesus supposedly does sometimes.”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: Where is Josh's Friend?
Tagged: Destiny, jesus, wheel, Faith, Hope
“There are no signs. Life doesn't happen to you, you make decisions. And right now I'm deciding to move forward with my life.”
— Greg Serrano, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2: When Will Josh and His Friend Leave Me Alone?
Tagged: Signs, Life, Decisions, Moving Forward
“The moment you're craving isn't anchored in real emotion. It's a script dictated to you by our society's patriarchal love narrative.”
— Heather Davis, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Paula Needs to Get Over Josh!
Tagged: Emotion, Love, Love Narrative, Expectations
“God, pep talks into a mirror do nothing but enhance the loneliness.”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Paula Needs to Get Over Josh!
Tagged: Pep Talks, Loneliness, enhancement
“Here is a list of all of the objects that I can hold under my boobs: Stapler, ten pencils, paperback copy of Arabian Knights, dog bone, remote control, hardback copy of Wuthering Heights.”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh's Sister is Getting Married!
Tagged: boobs, Hiding, Materials
“I'm the villain in my own story. I'm the witch in my own tale. Though I insist I'm a protagonist, it's clear that my soul is up for sale. I'm the villain in my own story, the bad guy in my TV show. I'm the 'who' in the whodunit, when I go to Hell I'll run it as Satan's CFO!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh Is Going to Hawaii!
Tagged: villain, Soul, Bad Guy, satan
“Valencia: I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, which is not far because you eat bagels after 8 p.m.

Rebecca: Don't underestimate the joy of a midnight bagel!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh and I Work on a Case!
Tagged: Bagels, food, Midnight Snack, Trust
“Are you taking me off the case? Please don't take me off the case! Because if you take me off the case, that means I'm not working, and if I'm working, it means I have to think thoughts!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: I'm So Happy That Josh Is So Happy!
Tagged: Thoughts, Work, case, Thinking, Overthinking
“Uhhh, I hate her. She's worse than all the Kardashians combined. Except for Caitlyn, who's a national hero.”
— Paula Proctor, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: I'm So Happy That Josh Is So Happy!
Tagged: Hate, Hero, Family, Famous
“My marriage is like The Walking Dead. Okay, we are all just trying to get out alive.”
— Paula Proctor, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: I'm So Happy That Josh Is So Happy!
Tagged: Marriage, alive, dead, Walking Dead
“I'm making pies for people that I hate, which is mixed emotions for me because I like pie.”
— Paula Proctor, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: My First Thanksgiving with Josh!
Tagged: Pie, Hate, Mixed Emotions
“Rebecca: I've had the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Greg: Mine was really bad too. It was like Pearl Harbor meets the movie Pearl Harbor.”
— Greg Serrano, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: My First Thanksgiving with Josh!
Tagged: Hoidays, Bad, terrible, disaster
“I think my spleen is somewhere in the municipal sewer system. Ohhhhh, my butthole's the gateway to Hell!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: My First Thanksgiving with Josh!
Tagged: Hell, Butthole, Spleen, Sewer, Gross
“ I do other things that are sinful. I've had premarital sex, lots of it. And sometimes I watch adult content and take care of myself, and I don't mean in the vitamins/exercise kind of way.”
— Josh Chan, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh and I Are Good People!
Tagged: sins, Sex, masturbation
“Rebecca: I'm gonna go put on a thong. Or maybe I won't wear any underwear, and that way he'll just smell my pheromones. Like a lion! Right?

Heather: Yeah, I would do a thong.”
— Heather Davis, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: I'm Going on a Date With Josh's Friend!
Tagged: thong, Pheromones, Underwear, Smells
“I have an I.Q. of 164. On the entire S.A.T., I got two questions wrong and in subsequent years those questions were strickened for being misleading. But I know *nothing* about life! Yeah, no. Truly, nothing! Like, I make AWFUL decisions! Like really, you know, really, really awful decisions.”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh and I Are Good People!
Tagged: Smart, Stupid, Life, Book Smarts, Awful Decisions
“I've decided to eat my feelings, and it turns out my feelings are pork rinds, whoopie pies, mac and cheese... Yeah, I'm going full-on Cathy cartoon.”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: I Hope Josh Comes to My Party!
Tagged: Eat My Feelings, Feelings, food
“Greg: A dude just left your apartment! You took some guy home from our date and slept with him? What is wrong with you? I don't understand!

Rebecca: No, see that's it, you don't understand. Like, I'm not... I'm not an adult! Like, what we were doing back at the taco festival, like being like all adulty, that's just not me! Okay? Like, I take advice from butter commercials!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: I'm Going on a Date With Josh's Friend!
Tagged: Wrong, adult, Mistakes, Scared, Advice
“Valencia: I actually don't have a lot of girlfriends. The last time I had a solid crew was in high school, but then they all got jealous because I got these amazing boobs, and they were still trolls, and so they spread all these rumors that I, like, slept with the English teacher.

Rebecca: No!

Valencia: I know! Which is a total lie because we only did hand stuff!”
— Valencia Perez, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh’s Girlfriend is Really Cool!
Tagged: girlfriends, Jealousy, Sex, Lies, Hand Stuff
“I always wanted a daughter. My kids are not daughters, they're terrible. I'll tell you about it later - or now.”
— Paula Proctor, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh’s Girlfriend is Really Cool!
Tagged: Daughter, kids, terrible
“A true friend is somebody who loves you no matter what. Even if your downward dog is horrible!”
— Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 1: Josh’s Girlfriend is Really Cool!
Tagged: Friendship, true friend, Downward Dog
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