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  3. The Ridiculous 6

The Ridiculous 6 Quotes

“Say, honey: How ‘bout after this, we go someplace and I put my peepee in your teepee?”
— Will Patch, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: peepee, teepee, Euphemisms
“Abner DoubleDay: [after credits] Before you go...Two...four...six...eight...who do we appreciate?

Chinese Baseball Team: [in unison] The Stockburns! The Stockburns! Yeah! The Stockburns!”
— Abner Doubleday, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: sports chants
“[last lines]
Lil' Pete: Dear Mama, so much has changed since my last letter. I scarcely know where to begin. First off, it turns out our daddy is a bad, bad man, and he got thrown in jail. But it's okay, 'cause Screaming Eagle, the Indian chief who raised Tommy, said he'd be all our dads, too. I really like it here in this village. Our new brothers and sisters love to have fun and have been so nice to all of us.

Screaming Eagle: These white guys cannot dance!

Lil' Pete: Danny don't drink whiskey no more. And Ramon and Herm are trying to learn Indian ways. Oh, and big news. I finally have a girlfriend, and she's much prettier than a canty-loupe.

Tommy aka White Knife: [to Lil Pete & Beaver Breath] Come on you two, you're missing all the fun!

Lil' Pete: Anyways, Mama, thanks for raising me. Your loving son, Lil Pete, proud member of the Ridiculous 6.”
— Tommy aka White Knife, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: anti-white jokes, Dancing, Jail, brother and sister
“Abner DoubleDay: Let's play ball. Welcome, my friends, to the first ever playing of a new sport. A sport of my own devising. On this field, two ten-person teams will engage in a battle of... Yes, Qi?

Qi: Only 18 people here.

Abner DoubleDay: Two nine-person teams will engage in a battle of strength, speed, and strategy. One team will go out onto the field to play defense while the other team will take turns hitting this ball...with a stickie.

Chico: What are you gonna call this game?

Abner DoubleDay: What else? Stickie McSchnickens. Now your goal, ball thrower, is to get the ball past me two times without my hitting it. Fire when ready.”
— Abner Doubleday, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: baseball, strategy
“Tommy aka White Knife: [Playing baseball] Okay, that's two past ya. So you're done, right?

Abner DoubleDay: No, no, I said three times.

Short Stop: No, you said two.

Abner DoubleDay: I said three! Three strikes and I'm out. I know what I said, shortstop. That's your new name, Short Stop, that's right. Now and forever, forever and ever, Short Stop, Short Stop, Short Stop. [laughs]”
— Abner Doubleday, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: Shortstop, Three Strikes, Strikeout, baseball
“Wyatt Earp: What's shakin’, Twain?

Mark Twain: Hey, I'm good on anything. Just like gravy, baby. Good to see you, my man.

Wyatt Earp: You too, man.

Wyatt Earp: Hey, I finally read Prince and the Pauper.

Mark Twain: Oh, is that right?

Wyatt Earp: Didn't get it.

Mark Twain: For reals?

Wyatt Earp: Satire! Boom! I got ya!”
— Wyatt Earp, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: prince and the pauper, gravy, Mark Twain, wyatt earp
“Grant: Gentlemen, the buy-in is $15,000.

Mark Twain: 15 large. Are you sure General Custard can swing that?

General George Custer: It's Custer, not 'Custard.' There is no 'D.' I'm not a dessert.

Mark Twain: Boom, I just dropped some satire on your ass, General!

General George Custer: You got me!”
— General Custer, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: General Custer, Custard, satire, ass
“Frank Stockburn: Boy, you got your mom's muscles. You a prizefighter?

Chico: No, actually, I'm a...piano player.”
— Frank Stockburn, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: muscles, prizefighter, Piano Player
“Beaver Breath: You have no right to be here. This Apache land.

Will Patch: And what you gonna do about it, beaver breath?

Beaver Breath: How he know my name?”
— Will Patch, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: Land, apache, Beaver, Breath
“Never Wears Bra: You lucky, Smoking Fox. White Knife all man. Bravest of all braves.

Smoking Fox: Not brave. Foolish. I want to be wife, not widow.”
— Smoking Fox, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: Lucky, Brave, foolish, Wife, Widow
“[first lines]
Clem: Lookie here. My day is made. I didn't even finish breakfast and I get to kill me a stinkin' Injun.

Tommy aka White Knife: Injun? Nah. I just dress like this so's I don't get scalped out on the prairie.

Clem: Oh, well, that's a convincing outfit. Yeah, you can't be too safe out there... with all of them savages runnin' around. So, what can I do you for?

Tommy aka White Knife: Need some flour. Five sacks. And a carrot with peanut butter on it. Now, what's that gonna run me?

Clem: Well, sack of flour's 45 cents. So, five sacks... is 40...

Tommy aka White Knife: Wanna get back to me on that?

Clem: Yeah, look. Now, the flour's in the basement. You can fetch it yourself.

Tommy aka White Knife: Much obliged.”
— Clem, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: savages, scalps, breakfast, Flour, much obliged
“Tommy aka White Knife: [Running between base plates] Where you going, nobody hit it?

Abner DoubleDay: I stole the base. You weren't looking so I stole it.

Chico: You said you could only advance after you hit the ball!

Abner DoubleDay: Not when you're stealing.

Short Stop: That's bullshit.

Abner DoubleDay: OK, Short Stop.”
— Tommy aka White Knife, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: baseball, Abner Doubleday, Shortstop, Stolen Base
“Lil' Pete: Oh Pa, I have a question for you.

Frank Stockburn: Yeah.

Lil' Pete: Where do babies come from?

Frank Stockburn: Well, son, the mom just poops 'em out.

Lil' Pete: [laughed] I knewed it! I knewed it, Dad!”
— Lil' Pete, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: facts of life, where do babies come from?, poops
“Ramon: My mother's Swedish.

Tommy aka White Knife: I don't think so. I reckon she's Mexican.

Ramon: Lying bitch!”
— Ramon, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: Swedish, Mexican, lying, Bitch
“Danny: I did a real stupid thing that inadvertently led to the death of a United States president, I'm feeling pretty lousy about it.

Frank Stockburn: Well son, look at my eyes... Shit happens!

Danny: Yeah. Thanks. Thank you, sir.”
— Danny, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: Shit Happens, lincoln assassination
“Tommy aka White Knife: Any of you handsome brothers ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?

Chico: I'm ready.

Ramon: I'm hungry.

Danny: I'm drunk.

Lil' Pete: And I'm Lil Pete.

Herm: [unintelligible]

Tommy aka White Knife: Let's get that nugget then...”
— Tommy aka White Knife, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: Handsome, Ready
“Tommy aka White Knife: I'm in a bit of a bind, boys. I rode all the way out here to pan for gold and my horse up and died on me.

Rifleman: How'd he die?

Tommy aka White Knife: Suicide. Drowned himself. Put his head in the stream and just kept it there. Saddest thing you ever seen.”
— Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: Suicide, Drowning, Horse Suicide
“[Danny tells his brothers the incident with President Lincoln]
Danny: Mr. President, say, I'm gonna go hit the little boy's room.

Abraham Lincoln: Are you shitting me?

Danny: Come on, you'll be fine superstar. Can I get you something on the way back? Agua? Brewski?

Abraham Lincoln: No.

Danny: Alright. Fair enough, I'll be back in two.

John Wilkes Booth: [running into one another in the hall] Where's the president's box?

Danny: John Wilkes Booth, the actor?

John Wilkes Booth: Yeah.

Danny: No way, man! Big fan! You wanna say hi to the president? He'd get a real kick out of that. Last door on the left.

John Wilkes Booth: Thank you!

Danny: Really cool. Wow, love that guy! [Danny is pooping when he hears a gunshot fired and women screaming] Abe!”
— Danny, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln, Assassination
“Lil' Pete: Hey, friend. Need any help getting her out?

Ramon: She's not really stuck, amigo. She's just a diversion.

Lil' Pete: She's a virgin? I'm a virgin, too... unless you count cantaloupes.

Ramon: I believe that, but she's a diversion to keep the banker busy so that my brother has time to rob the bank.

Lil' Pete: You're robbing the bank? Gall dang!”
— Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: virgin, Diversion, Misheard, banker
“That is some mystical shit!”
— Danny, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: mystical, Shit
“Never Wears Bra: [Walks out of her tepee and stretches] Good morning, boys.

Tommy aka White Knife: Good morning, Never Wears Bra.

Never Wears Bra: I had dream about you last night, White Knife.

Tommy aka White Knife: Oh, that's nice.

Never Wears Bra: Not nice dream. In dream you naughty, you naughty, White Knife.

Frank Stockburn: Somebody's got an admirer!”
— Tommy aka White Knife, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: bra, Dreams, dirty dreams
“Ramon: So, do you new brothers have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?

Chico: Like what?

Ramon: Like you know, Tommy's good with knives, Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple, I got a burro, Herm is good at strangling.

Danny: I can hold my breath for six minutes.

Chico: Well, I can play the piano with my dick.

Tommy aka White Knife: Well, we're unstoppable then.”
— Ramon, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: skills, Holding Your Breath, nipples
“[regarding Ramon's shocked-face signal to begin the heist] You know, I make that same face when I put my cologne on in the morning, especially when I'm home alone.”
— General Custer, The Ridiculous 6
Tagged: cologne, shocked face, Home Alone
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