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Kingpin Quotes

“The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Kick Ass
“Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl!

Roy: The name’s not boy. It’s Roy. [makes a spare] Roy Munson.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling
“Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Piece of Shit, coveting thy neighbor's wife
“That coffee wasn’t even hot. [takes a sip of coffee] Now, that’s hot.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Hot Coffee
“Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary.

Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.

Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: MIssionary Position, missionary
“Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet.

[as Ishmael whispers ‘okay,’ Roy trips and falls]

Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac.

Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson?

Roy: Shh! What did I just say?

Ishmael: Uh, ‘I think I tore my sac’?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: tiptoeing, Slapstick
“Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the novelty machine in the men’s room? I mean, those are fun even when you’re alone.

Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah.

Roy: You get it?

Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah!

Roy: This is like the hula hoop of the nineties. People go nuts!

Lancaster Bowl Manager: No! Look, we don’t even have a novelty machine in the men’s room anymore.

Roy: And you call this a bowling alley?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling Alley, fluorescent condoms, Asian Brides, novelty machine
“Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?

Roy: I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Drinking, puking
“McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen?

Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Dictionary, Punctilious
“ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?

Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh...drinking. Lot a drinking.

ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?

Roy: No. I uh...I put...uh...why, you buying?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Alcoholism
“Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah?

Roy: Uh, none that I know of. [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin’ accident as a young man.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Infertility
“Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss?

Roy: I think you can.

Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Urine, Drinking Urine, Piss
“Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right?

Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there?

Ishmael: Well, I don’t know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he’s just a little better than me, that’s all.

Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186.

[loses his cool]

Roy: You lost to a club player! What—that’s not supposed to happen! You’re carrying a 270 average!

Ishmael: Wh-wh-wh-what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.

Roy: [angrily] What do you mean, ‘you guys with your 10 frames’?

Ishmael: Well, my grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames. It’s like I told you before, we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do. Ten frames. [scoffs] That’s for Quakers.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Amish, Quakers
“Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I’ll lose my entire bonus check because I’m so bombed.

McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale?

Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Sniffing Glue, Drunk, Bombing
“Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?

Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It’s okay.

Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I’ll give you a clue what it is. It’s round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.

Ishmael: [He points his finger into Roy’s face] You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!

Roy: I’m talking about bowling! Your future.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Future
“WHO YOU CALLIN’ A PSYCHO?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: psycho
“Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.

Roy: Is that right? Who’s done more research on the subject than the good people at the American tobacco industry? They say it’s harmless. Why would they lie? If you’re dead, you can’t smoke.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: smoking, Tobacco, Lungs, heart
“Ishmael: Whatcha doin’, Mr. Munson?

Roy: Flossin’.

Ishmael: Flossin? Where’d I get ‘Munson’ from?

Roy: The name is Munson, what I’m doin’ is flossin’, this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: flossin'
“Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind—I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once.

[Takes a drink from the bucket]

Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.

Roy: I’ll brush my teeth.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Cow, bull, semen, milk
“Bowling Priest: You see, bowling for money...that’s my only vice.

Cocktail Waitress: Here’s your drink.

Bowling Priest: Thanks, sugar. [takes drink from a double bourbon on the rocks and pats waitress’ behind] Okay, two vices.

Ernie McCracken: That’s still very good.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Vice
“Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Face the Music
“It’s a small world when you’ve got unbelievable tits, Roy.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Small world, Tits
“You’re on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: gravy train, Biscuits
“Ernie McCracken: The Munson.

Roy: Big Ern. Long time.

Ernie McCracken: I’ll say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...[looks at Roy’s prosthetic rubber hand] Oh, creepy! I’m sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?

Roy: You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about what I’d say to you if I ever ran into you again.

Ernie McCracken: I bet! [notices Claudia] Hello.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Rumors, prosthetic hand
“1979 Waitress: Tanqueray and Tab.

Ernie McCracken: Keep ’em comin’, sweets, I got a long drive. Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Tanqueray, Tab, perfume
“[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]
Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he’s the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.

Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn’t talking when you were bowling.

Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Odor-Eaters, Bladder, Bratwurst
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