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Tom Segura Quotes

Total quotes: 15
“Every week, it’s another city for me. I get asked the same questions every week by people. ‘Are people the same everywhere?’ No. Some places suck and they have shittier people. I just gave you a sociology degree.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: travel, Sociology
“I hate who I’m becoming, socially. Like, all my social interactions, I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Mostly Stories
Tagged: Social Anxiety
“I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because those people are out of their fuckin’ minds. [audience cheering and clapping] [mumbling] You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you.”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)- Full transcript
Tagged: Build a Wall, Louisiana, Swamp People
“Masturbating is important, you know? You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right.”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)- Full transcript
Tagged: masturbating, Parenthood
“You can learn a lot from television. For instance, without television, I would have no idea that Steven Seagal is out of his fucking mind. Or alive. I also didn’t know that.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: TV, Steven Seagal
“I think the fattest thing you can do is probably eat another fat person, right? Like, if you’re fat and you see another fat guy, and you’re like, that guy looks delicious, you’re super fat.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: Gluttony, Fattest
“You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited ‘pig-tential.’”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)- Full transcript
Tagged: Men are Pigs, Pig-Tential, Permission
“The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though, you could be in an argument with them and be like, ‘You’re a fucking asshole.’ – And they’re like, ‘Thank you.’ – [laughter] ‘My dad’s an asshole, and so am I. It’s kind of a thing.’”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: MOSTLY STORIES (2016)- Full Transcript
Tagged: Northeast, Northeastern People, Crass, Attitude, asshole
“I was getting into a shower in a hotel, and it was one of these hotel bathrooms where there’s just mirrors everywhere. And as I was stepping in the shower, I looked, and I was like, ‘oh, my god.’ Like, ‘look at you. I can’t believe somebody lets you fuck them. This is crazy.’”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: hotels, Hotel Rooms, Mirrors, Weight Gain
“Oh, my God. I do think about death. I just want it to be justified, you know? Like, if I die violently, you know, maybe I have, like, Serena Williams sitting on my face, and…I don’t know, Venus is polishing me off, and they’re trying to fit a racket in my ass or something like that. Then my wife comes in, boom, and I’m, like, fucking done.”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: COMPLETELY NORMAL (2014)- Full Transcript
Tagged: Serena Williams, Venus Williams, Williams Sisters, Fantasies, Death
“I am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I get washed over with this feeling. I’m like, ‘look at these fucking poor pieces of shit on my flight. Ugh.’ I’m so much better than them. Don’t stand next to me. Ugh, dude. I dare you to try to come up from coach and use the first class bathroom when I’m there. I’ll put my hand on your chest, OK? No. No. There’s a pig trough in the back.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: Airplaines, First Class Seats, classism
“I’m always trying to set goals. My latest goal….I’m trying to be less polite, you know? ‘Cause the world is not as polite as you’re raised to believe it’s gonna be, you know? I don’t understand why we accept that when you say ‘thank you,’ people don’t have to say ‘you’re welcome’ anymore. People have stopped. Now, you say ‘thank you,’ and people give you a nod, like….I want to stab you in the fucking ears if you do that shit to me. I do. I’ll go, ‘thank you,’ and they go… I go, ‘did you not… did you not just hear what I just said to you, man?’ And you get, like, a follow-up nod. So now, I skip it all. I just take shit, and I go…”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: Politeness, Thank You, You're Welcome
“I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, ‘Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why is this…?’ They’re like, ‘It’s not supposed to come outta you, bro.’”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)- Full transcript
Tagged: bilingual, spanish, Aramaic
“So lady, when you say you’re horny ‘the way guys are,’ I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what savages men are. [audience cheering and clapping] And she goes, ‘Yeah. I’m not that horny.’ And I go, ‘I know.’ [audience laughs]”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)- Full transcript
Tagged: Horny, Male Female Sex Drives, Sex Drive, Horny Like Guys Are, Glory Holes
“It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, 'In the name of the Father, and the Son…' And the kid in the row in front of me goes, 'Fuck your cunt.' [audience laughs] And I’m like, 'Oh. Uh-uh.' Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye. He goes, 'Holy Spirit.' -Starts reading from the Bible.—[audience laughs]—This kid goes, 'Lick my balls!—[audience laughs] Fuck you!' I am laughing so goddamn hard. But I know I’m not supposed to laugh. It sounds like I’m having a stroke. I’m ten. I’m like… [mumbling] I have tears running down my face. And finally I am able to get out, 'How come nobody else… [audience laughs] is laughing?' [audience laughs] And the kid next to me goes, 'He’s got Tourette’s. It gets old.' [audience laughs]”
— Tom Segura, TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)- Full transcript
Tagged: mass, Catholicism, Tourette's, Bible
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