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Tim Taylor Quotes

Total quotes: 19
“Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Love Is A Many Splintered Thing
Tagged: french, rambo, robocop, Opera
“Mark Taylor: I have a woman—Mommy.

Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.

Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Look Who's Not Talking
Tagged: Mommy Issues
“Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.

Mark: What's man pain?

Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Groin Pains
Tagged: Pain, Man Pain
“Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.

Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: This Joke's For You
Tagged: hospital, head injury
“If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say 'If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now.'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Read My Hips
Tagged: Women, Evasiveness, Beating around the bush
“Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.

Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Mad, Listening, arguments
“This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything....You know, I—that didn't come out right.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Reach Out And Teach Someone
Tagged: excuses, insults
“Tim: How many times have you been married?

Fred: Three.

Tim: Why do you suppose that is?

Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Luck Be A Taylor Tonight
Tagged: Marriage, Misunderstood, Self-awareness
“Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem?

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Nothing More Than Feelings
Tagged: warning light, buzzer, game show
“Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.

Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Baby, It's Cold Outside
Tagged: public defecation, no toilet paper
“Al: Anyone can do what you do.

Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do?

Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?

Tim: A lot harder than it looks.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: A Battle Of Wheels
Tagged: Self-deprecation
“Jill Taylor: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim Taylor: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill Taylor: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Satellite On A Hot Tim's Roof
Tagged: Husband-Bashing
“Jill: We're keeping score.

Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Up Your Alley
Tagged: arguments, keeping score, itty-bitty
“Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement...

Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this?

Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool.

Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect.

Tim Taylor: Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds—low, medium and 'who needs a man?'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Women and Shower Nozzles, Whirlpool
“Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, 'Al'.

Jill: It's that bad, huh?

Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of Popsicle sticks?

Jill: Lot's of kids do stuff like that.

Tim: It was life-sized.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Roomie For Improvement
Tagged: washington Monument
“Jill: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think?

Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute—who drove around for two days with the oil light on?

Jill: Wait—I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light.

Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know what I'm sayin'!”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Nothing More Than Feelings
Tagged: Husband-Bashing, arguments
“Jill: I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Jill: Oh no one, you know, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my cousins, the minister, the post man, some guy down at the mail box, you know, oh and Sheila, who said to me, 'Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one'.

Tim: Good thing she was wrong.

Jill: Who said she was wrong?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts
Tagged: Husband-Bashing, Misandry
“Tim Taylor: I don't know what it is about football and me; I'm obsessed, I think.

Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim?

Tim Taylor: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, and the big guys with the logos and the colorful helmets, the shine of the pads, and the mouth guards and the cleats, and the hittin', the impact, the swearin', the sweatin', arr arr arr arr!... It sets me free!”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Off Sides
Tagged: Football, Obsession
“Tim Taylor: I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.

Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women. [Tim grunts, perplexed]
It's because we can't bear children.

Tim Taylor: Ah, I don't mind the boys that much.

Wilson: No no no, Tim; what I mean is, women can give birth, and we can't.

Tim Taylor: And we sure lucked out on that part.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Misandry, Giving Birth
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