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Seth Meyers Quotes

Total quotes: 37
“We have every kind of salsa. We have teriyaki. We have barbecue. We have peanut butter. Ranch dressing, that's important. ”
— Diego, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Juan Likes Rice and Chicken
Tagged: Salsa, taste, food, Toppings, Peanut Butter
“This is a police sketch of Mom. Her top fell off while she was walking down the street and this mother and children, they gave descriptions of Mom to the police, and the guy did a wonderful job.”
— Little Vivvy, Documentary Now!, Season 1: Sandy Passage
Tagged: Police sketch, Nudity, Police, Top, picture
“The world has enough aggression and escalation without us adding to it.”
— Father Ra-Shawbard, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: World, Aggression, Escalation
“They had to scream their orgasms into jars so that they could be saved.”
— Bill Dawes, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: orgasm, Scream, Jars , Saved
“There is no courage in offending unless you are also willing to offend those you love.”
— Dimo, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Waiting for the Artist
Tagged: Courage, Offending , Love, Offensive
“When guests come over, and, you know, they see a globe, they're gonna know immediately they're in the presence of somebody who's worldly.”
— Tom O'Halloran, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Globesman
Tagged: guests, Worldly, Presence
“Maybe I would have been nicer to the townspeople had they not been so fat and stupid.”
— Ra-Sharir, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: Nice, Townspeople, fat, Stupid, Rude
“It did surprise me that a man who spoke of the purity of mind and soul had cocaine.”
— Ra-Tembler, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: surprise, Mind, Soul, Drugs, hypocrite
“Um, this here is a skirt that I safety pin on. And if I want, I can make it a cape.”
— Little Vivvy, Documentary Now!, Season 1: Sandy Passage
Tagged: Fashion, Ridiculous, Saftey Pin, Cape, Skirt
“You will not believe the number of people who hear a price like that and immediately try to Jew you down.”
— Tom O'Halloran, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Globesman
Tagged: Negotiation, Price
“He just wanted me to be free and happy. And isn't that what a father is supposed to want for his children?”
— Ra-Tembler, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: father, Son, Love, support, Free, Happy
“These people thought they were on a path to enlightenment. And unbeknownst to them, they were dressed like a bunch of drunks at a tailgate.”
— Larry Cooper, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: Enlightenment, Drunks, Tailgate , Path, Dressed
“She was building a pink-eye army to infiltrate all of Oregon. It was diabolical because pink-eye is so contagious. ”
— Bill Dawes, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: Oregon , Pink Eye, Contagion, plan
“Little Vivvy: I fell through the floor again.

Big Vivvy: It's because you stomp!”
— Big Vivvy, Documentary Now!, Season 1: Sandy Passage
Tagged: Stomp, House, Floors, fell
“Oh, sure, it's, you know, it's a gorgeous town, but mother and I, we know the ugly part, the underbelly, and it's you know, it's sad.”
— Little Vivvy, Documentary Now!, Season 1: Sandy Passage
Tagged: Gorgeous, Town, Underbelly, ugly
“My core goal as an artist is to deconstruct the idea of working, of effort because we are raised to believe that great works of art require suffering.”
— Dimo, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Waiting for the Artist
Tagged: goal, Art, Artist, Effort, Suffering, Work
“Just because you draw big crowds doesn't mean you're winning the election. If all you needed to win was a big crowd of people, our next president would be Ikea on a Saturday.”
— Seth Meyers, Seth Meyers stifles Donald Trump’s “crooked polls” whining: “Just because you draw big crowds doesn’t mean you’re winning the election”
Tagged: Election 2016, Donald J. Trump, Polls
“For the male nominees here tonight this is the first time in three months it won’t be terrifying to hear your name read out loud.”
— Seth Meyers, Golden Globes: Seth Meyers monologue jokes carefully tackle sexual misconduct
Tagged: 2018 Golden Globes
“Trump treats Pence like someone taking their kid to a grown-up party for the first time — ‘Go ahead, you can answer. Show them all your big-boy words.”
— Seth Meyers, WATCH: Don’t know much about Mike Pence? Let Seth Meyers help you out
Tagged: Mike Pence, Veep, Donald Trump Veep, Election 2016 Jokes
“R-U-I-N-E-D. There's only one way to say it, 'Rooned.'”
— Simon Sawyer, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Original Cast Album
Tagged: Pronunciation, Ruined, picky, Sassy
“The coffee, every bean, is it your friend or enemy?”
— Arturo, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Juan Likes Rice and Chicken
Tagged: Coffee, ingredient, picky, Friend, Enemy
“You don't ruin a sale by pointing out mistakes!”
— Tom O'Halloran, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Globesman
Tagged: sale, upset, Mistakes
“You know what I love about my job? I get to see the world everyday.”
— Pete Reynolds, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Globesman
Tagged: corny, Job, World, Sales
“World's always gonna need salesmen.”
— Pete Reynolds, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Globesman
Tagged: World, Sales, salesmen
“That's a beautiful word, 'deal,' and you're talking to a dealer.”
— Father Ra-Shawbard, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: Deal, Word, Dealer
“I've always known exactly what I want and exactly how to get it.”
— Izabella Barta, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Waiting for the Artist
Tagged: Want, Control, Power, Confidence
“Send someone to get my blue hat. I'm a little chilled. ”
— Father Ra-Shawbard, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: Chilled , Blue Hat
“Listen, you idiots. I work for the F.B.I.”
— Father Ra-Shawbard, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Batshit Valley
Tagged: idiots, FBI, Listen
“You can't read people the way I can!”
— Little Vivvy, Documentary Now!, Season 1: Sandy Passage
Tagged: Read, People, upset, Mad
“I need you to find the comfort in the discomfort.”
— Izabella Barta, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Waiting for the Artist
Tagged: Comfort, Discomfort, Element, bold
“I was always monogamous when I was with her.”
— Dimo, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Waiting for the Artist
Tagged: Monogomy, Love, Relationships, Infidelity, Cheating
“What I wouldn't do for a nice old lady.”
— Tom O'Halloran, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Globesman
Tagged: Sales, Nice, Old Lady, Money, sweet
“She tore her MCL. Trying to chase a squirrel.”
— Little Vivvy, Documentary Now!, Season 1: Sandy Passage
Tagged: medical, Squirrel, Chase
“As a psychologist who conducts violence threat assessments, I see firsthand how females can show the same capacity for psychopathy that I have seen in males. The hallmarks—eerie detachment from emotion, lack of conscience or remorse, glibness, and comfort and pride in breaking with laws and social conventions.”
— Seth Meyers, Your Field Guide to the Female Psychopath
Tagged: Psychopathy, Female Psychopaths
“Good evening ladies and remaining gentlemen…”
— Seth Meyers, Golden Globes: Seth Meyers monologue jokes carefully tackle sexual misconduct
Tagged: 2018 Golden Globes
“Trump's been trying to pretend the problem doesn't exist.”
— Seth Meyers, Trump Keeps Lying About the Coronavirus Outbreak: A Closer Look
Tagged: coronavirus, sickness
“The real but graphic truth is that there are many mothers out there in the world who aren't so sweet to their daughters, and readily say and do things that would make many of us cringe. It's critical to note that much of what is said and done by mothers that is ultimately hurtful was engaged under the veiled intention of having 'her best interests in mind.'”
— Seth Meyers, Women Who Hate Other Women: The Psychological Root of Snarky
Tagged: Relational Aggression, Abusive Mothers
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