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Garry Shandling Quotes

Total quotes: 33
“Without comedy as a defense mechanism, I wouldn't be able to survive.”
— Garry Shandling, Found Footage: Stuff I Found That I Need to Share
Tagged: comedy
“It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.”
— Garry Shandling, The Hair-Pulling Problem
“Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her 'kids,' because you'll only end up paying for their schooling.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Dogs
“I once saw an elaborate landscape in a gallery, drawn in pencil, that took my breath away. Then I realized the artist probably didn't have enough confidence to use a pen.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“I was anxious and depressed ahead of my time. I didn't need 9/11 to realize that in life, anything can happen. I've been on a state of alert since high school. Code plaid.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: 9/11, Anxiety, Depression
“The problem with the Pledge of Allegiance isn't the ‘God’ part. It's the ‘pledge’ part. Does a child know what kind of commitment he's making, and to whom, and at what cost?”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance, God
“I watch the news, which is its own reality show. I love 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' I love it because it's funny and because I realize that I'm happier than Larry David.”
— Garry Shandling, 10 Questions For Garry Shandling
Tagged: Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, News
“There are people who seek truth, and there are people who manipulate truth for their own good. That's the conflict in life. That's the conflict in Hollywood.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling Goes Dark
Tagged: Truth, Hollywood
“I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that.”
— Garry Shandling, Stand-Up Comedy
Tagged: Breakups, Relationships, Cheating
“Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.”
— Garry Shandling, the Ultimate Book of Quotations
Tagged: Optimism, Love, Relationships
“Dating a professional actress is tough. Especially if you're up for the same part.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Dating, Acting
“Smoothies might be fattening. Especially the ones made with frozen yogurt and gin.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.”
— Garry Shandling
“Some people think the world will end in 2012. I think we've got until 2014. I'm an optimist.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling: Ricky Gervais just caught me off guard
Tagged: Optimism
“I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, ‘Get off me.’”
— Garry Shandling, 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
“I started boxing for exercise, and on the very first day, the trainer got in the ring with me and said, ‘Whoever controls the breathing in the ring controls the fight.’ I immediately passed out.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Boxing, Exercise
“I never listen to the audiotapes of my shrink sessions because the audience is usually so bad, I can't tell which jokes work and which ones don't.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: therapy, comedy
“Buddha didn't get married because his wife would have said, ‘What, are you going to sit around like that all day?’”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Buddha, Marriage
“I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.”
— Garry Shandling
Tagged: Landlords
“I've been on a state of high alert since high school. I didn't need 9/11 to remind me that we live on a ball of flame.”
— Garry Shandling, When is a DVD not just a DVD?
Tagged: 9/11
“Call me old-school, but I miss the Cold War.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Cold War
“Gossip is a sin.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Gossip, Sin
“Intellect without heart scares me.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Intellect, heart
“Love is not enough to save a relationship.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Love, Relationships
“My mother did the best she could. Sorry.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: mothers
“Nothing can succeed and last without teamwork.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Teamwork
“As they strapped the oxygen mask to my face, I lifted it up and said, 'Don't trim my hair too short in the back.’ It's a cliche, but there's a very thin line between comedy and tragedy. I know that line in my professional life. I'm not so sure I know it in my personal life.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling Goes Dark
Tagged: comedy, Tragedy
“To be thrown onto the stand-up stage is an experience that you cannot fathom until you're actually there, because there's no place to go, and everyone is looking at you and you can't even see them because of the lights. And yet you have to manage to start talking and be funny on top of it.”
— Garry Shandling, How Heartbreak Helped Garry Shandling Find His Comedic Voice
Tagged: Stand-Up Comedy, comedy, Comedians
“I remember when I was a struggling comic appearing for the first time in Las Vegas. Don Rickles came in to watch the new guy. Afterward, he came backstage, and I asked him if he thought I was funny. He said, ‘You know when you're funny. You don't have to ask.’ And he was right.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Las Vegas, Don Rickles, Comedians
“My first 'Tonight Show' was just one of those things—I mean this seriously—a cosmic, meant-to-be coming together of circumstance. You walk out there to do your first 'Tonight Show': Is the audience going to be hot? Are you going to be on fire? It's like an athlete: Are you going to have your moves at a peak?”
— Garry Shandling, How Heartbreak Helped Garry Shandling Find His Comedic Voice
Tagged: Tonight Show
“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?”
— Garry Shandling, Fun Facts About Our Incredible World!
“I had a car accident when I was twenty-seven in which I was nearly killed. I had a vivid near-death experience that involved a voice asking, ‘Do you want to continue leading Garry Shandling's life?’ Without thinking, I said, ‘Yes.’ Since then, I've been stuck living in the physical world while knowing, without a doubt, that there's something much more meaningful within it all. That realization is what drives my life and work.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Car Accidents
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