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Walter Matthau Quotes

Total quotes: 21
“ [after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]

John Gustafson: I'm cold.

Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: cold, cold-blooded
“Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time

Max Goldman: Me, neither.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Sex, Abstinence
“If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Nude Scene
“[TV on]

Geraldo: ‘Lesbian Bandits’ next on Geraldo.

Max: Ooooh, lesbians yummy.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Lesbians, Geraldo Rivera, Trash TV, Yummy
“Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!

Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Cold Weather, fatass
“Max: I am the gangster of love.

John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup?

Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Gangster, holdup, stickup, erectile dysfunction, Juvenile, penis jokes
“Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.

John Gustafson: Hello, moron.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: dickhead, Moron, insults
“John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.

Max Goldman: What's your point?”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Sour Mllk, Apathy
“If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: dog, ugly, ass-shaving
“[singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: West Side Story, Bitch
“When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: ulcers, Farting, razor blades
“John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.

Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass.

John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net.

Max Goldman: You cut that, too, you dickhead.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Dumbass, dickhead
“Jacob: You're a child.

Max Goldman: Don't tell me, Jacob; it isn't me.

Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.

Max Goldman: ’38.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Fighting, Nitpicking
“Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: insults
“Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: dickhead, lottery
“Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Swedophobia
“John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.

Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.

John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.

Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.

[Grabs milk and smells it]

Max Goldman: Smells all right to me.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Apologies, Traitor, Benedict Arnold
“Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

John: He was always very fond of you, Max.

Max: He was a good man.

John: The best.

Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.

John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

John: He deserves Melanie.

Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

John: You wanna get drunk?

Max: Yeah.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Drinking, Memories
“Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the lowlife, asswipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?

Snyder: Have you seen him?

Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.

Snyder: Medication?

Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: asswipe, egg-sucker, lowlife, Drinking, medication
“Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.

John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.

Max Goldman: You bet.

John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?

Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!

John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Mississippi River, Moron
“Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.

John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!

Max Goldman: She was the best.

John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!

Max Goldman: Yeah!

John Gustafson: Yeah.

Max Goldman: What?

John Gustafson: What?

Max Goldman: Huh?

John Gustafson: Huh?

John Gustafson: What...?

[Both forget what they were arguing about]”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: arguments, Alzheimer's
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