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Ron Swanson Quotes

Total quotes: 61
“There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Partridge
Tagged: Skim Milk, lying, Water, Personification Examples
“I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Second Chunce
Tagged: Luck, Weak, Failures
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Anniversaries
Tagged: Frozen Yogurt, Celery, zero stars
“[Holds up iPod] 

TOM PUT ALL MY RECORDS INTO THIS RECTANGLE. THE SONGS JUST PLAY ONE AFTER THE OTHER. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT RECTANGLE.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Farmers Market
Tagged: iPod, Records, Songs, rectange, Happy
“Child labor laws are ruining this country.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: The Camel
Tagged: child libor, Laws, country, ruin
“I'm not interested in caring about people.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: Love, socialization, Human Interaciton
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Win, Lose, or Draw
Tagged: Scotch, Hard Liquor, Drinking, Alcohol Quips
“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: humor
“There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: Haircuts, Buzz Cut, Crew Cut, High and Tight
“There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: motivation, Fear, Money, Hunger
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Andy and April's Fancy Party
Tagged: Effigy, ex-wife, Ex-Wife Effigy
“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: Tutelage, manhood, Gladiators, Boys To Men
“Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?

Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Summer Catalog
Tagged: Breakfast Food, idiots
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: Sarcasm, reception, Alone
“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: deathbed, final wish, Ex-Wives, Go to Hell
“Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: Do Something, Nothing, helps, Work
“It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Andy and April's Fancy Party
Tagged: good idea, Coworkers, Capable, Pain
“It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Jerry's Painting
Tagged: Pointless, paint scenes, Nature, outside
“Ann: Do you exercise?

Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Animal Control
Tagged: Alcohol, Lovemaking, woodworking, yoga, Alcoholism
“My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Dream, Privatized, Chuck E. Cheese, Business Model
“My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Ron and Tammys
Tagged: Wife, ex-wife, mother, Tammy, Names
“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Sweetums
Tagged: Carnivore, Meat-Eaters, Surf 'n' Turf, Turf "n' Turf, Porterhouse, T-Bone, cigar, American
“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: Simple Man, Pretty Women, Brunettes, Breakfast Food
“So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: ex-wife, satan, Butthole, scary, demon
“There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Ann and Chris
Tagged: Sadness, Breakfast Food, cured
“No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Meet 'N' Greet
Tagged: Toolbox, Jellybeans
“Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Tom's Divorce
Tagged: Strippers, Breakfast Buffet, Breakfast Food
“One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: Rage, Quarterly Rage
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: worked, never learned, name, Best friend
“When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Born and Raised
Tagged: Chummy, Wrong Name, don't care
“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: I'm Leslie Knope
Tagged: need anything, deal with your problems, adults
“The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Road Trip
Tagged: Government, Teat, piglet, Chapped Nipples, Taxypayers
“[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: Bowling, Hooks, spin, Fuss, Figure Skating
“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: The Comeback Kid
Tagged: Broad Brush, Thief, Miserable, Incompetent
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
Tagged: humor, Funny, Hungry, food, Eggs And Bacon
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
Tagged: humor, Funny, History, Government
“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
Tagged: humor, Funny, Fishing, yoga
“America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: humor
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
Tagged: humor, Funny, Fishing, Feed A Man A Fish
“Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: sting like a bee, float like a butterfly, Advice, Ridiculous
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