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Rebecca Bunch

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All boobs (2)Good Person (2)Hope (2)creepy (2)food (2)Stupid (2)Gross (2)Mess (1)Scared (1)Downward Dog (1)party (1)Faith (1)adult (1)Smart (1)life advice (1)

From “Josh Just Happens to Live Here!”

Here's what happened, I was in New York, I ran into Josh, he made me feel warm inside like glitter was exploding inside me, then I moved here. I did not move here because of Josh because that would be crazy and I am not crazy.

glitter Love Warm moving crazy

Uh, it's the sexy getting-ready song The sexy getting-ready song I'm primpin' and pluckin' I'm brushin' and rubbin'

Sexy getting ready Song Self Care

From “Josh’s Girlfriend is Really Cool!”

A true friend is somebody who loves you no matter what. Even if your downward dog is horrible!

Friendship true friend Downward Dog

I wanna lock you in a basement, but in that basement you would also be my personal trainer. I want your abs! Break into your mom's house, collect your baby teeth and turn then into my new retainer. I want your smile! Cook your spit into a chowder, dry your sweat into a powder and do lines of you all…

creepy Wannabe abs Obsessed

I wanna kill you and wear your skin like a dress, but then also have you see me in the dress and be like, 'O.M.G., you look so cute in my skin!'

skin dress creepy Cute

From “I Hope Josh Comes to My Party!”

I've decided to eat my feelings, and it turns out my feelings are pork rinds, whoopie pies, mac and cheese... Yeah, I'm going full-on Cathy cartoon.

Eat My Feelings Feelings food

Rebecca: Well, if it isn't Mr. 'I can't come to your party, because I have a bunch of complicated reasons. I prob'ly have to buy more black clothing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.' Greg: That's a long name I have. Polish?

party excuses Long Name Complicated

Rebecca: Umm, my ovaries are eking out into my Fallopian tubes and they're wrapped around... Darryl: Okay, we'll see you when you're feeling better. Rebecca: Wow, men are stupid.

Ovaries Men Women Stupid Female Body

From “I'm Going on a Date With Josh's Friend!”

Greg: A dude just left your apartment! You took some guy home from our date and slept with him? What is wrong with you? I don't understand! Rebecca: No, see that's it, you don't understand. Like, I'm not... I'm not an adult! Like, what we were doing back at the taco festival, like being like all…

Wrong adult Mistakes Scared Advice

From “Josh and I Are Good People!”

I got stuck on, like, wanting you to say I was a good person, because if you believed it, then somehow I could believe it too.

Good Person Belief Expectations Hope

I'm a good person, that's my thing. My nickname is Mother Teresa Luther King!

Good Person Saint Kind

I have an I.Q. of 164. On the entire S.A.T., I got two questions wrong and in subsequent years those questions were strickened for being misleading. But I know *nothing* about life! Yeah, no. Truly, nothing! Like, I make AWFUL decisions! Like really, you know, really, really awful decisions.

Smart Stupid Life Book Smarts Awful Decisions

From “My First Thanksgiving with Josh!”

I think my spleen is somewhere in the municipal sewer system. Ohhhhh, my butthole's the gateway to Hell!

Hell Butthole Spleen Sewer Gross

From “I'm So Happy That Josh Is So Happy!”

Are you taking me off the case? Please don't take me off the case! Because if you take me off the case, that means I'm not working, and if I'm working, it means I have to think thoughts!

Thoughts Work case Thinking Overthinking

From “That Text Was Not Meant for Josh!”

If she's looking for porn, there's a folder that says Porn. They're the good kind with plots, that's why the hard drive is so big.

Porn Plots Good Porn

From “Josh and I Work on a Case!”

Valencia: I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, which is not far because you eat bagels after 8 p.m. Rebecca: Don't underestimate the joy of a midnight bagel!

Bagels food Midnight Snack Trust

From “Josh Is Going to Hawaii!”

I'm the villain in my own story. I'm the witch in my own tale. Though I insist I'm a protagonist, it's clear that my soul is up for sale. I'm the villain in my own story, the bad guy in my TV show. I'm the 'who' in the whodunit, when I go to Hell I'll run it as Satan's CFO!

villain Soul Bad Guy satan

From “Josh's Sister is Getting Married!”

What you've got to know is that boobs may be where it's at, but if you cut them open, they're just sacks of yellow fat!

boobs fat Sacks

Here is a list of all of the objects that I can hold under my boobs: Stapler, ten pencils, paperback copy of Arabian Knights, dog bone, remote control, hardback copy of Wuthering Heights.

boobs Hiding Materials

From “Paula Needs to Get Over Josh!”

God, pep talks into a mirror do nothing but enhance the loneliness.

Pep Talks Loneliness enhancement

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