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Peter Griffin Quotes

Total quotes: 38
“Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?

Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
Tagged: Holiday Spirit, Merry Christmas, Dysfunctional Family
“[Speaking to his family] Well you guys we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and the rest of the place applauding them.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 11: Farmer Guy
Tagged: Dysfunctional Families, Sassy, Going Out To Eat
“I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Love Thy Trophy
Tagged: humor, Funny, Smart Ideas, Genius
“Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.

Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 1: Chitty Chitty Death Bang
Tagged: jesus, Funny, party, Snark
“Lois might be worth a million dollars to you but to me she's worthless.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Death Lives
Tagged: Worthless, Marriage, mean
“Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?

Peter Griffin: Um... if by 'read' you mean 'imagined a naked lady,' then yes.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: A Fish out of Water
Tagged: Snark, Sassy, Not Paying Attention
“ I haven't felt this great in years! I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the fruity accent or the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 5: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey
Tagged: Snark, SASS, Sassy
“I'm young, I'm all dressed up, I'm on my way to marry the woman I love, and there's 290 years separating me from the films of Kevin Smith.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 7: Peter's Progress
Tagged: Movie References, Sassy, Getting Married
“Tough guy: Smells like this guy's already wet himself.

Peter Griffin: Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 12: Herpe the Love Sore
Tagged: Peeing Yourself, embarrassed, Intimidated, Don't Flatter Yourself
“You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois 'Frank.' Your move, Sherlock.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea
Tagged: Sex, Awkward Sex, awkward, Funny, Relationhips
“I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 7: I Dream of Jesus
Tagged: jesus, Praying, Snark
“Meg Griffin: I MATTER!

Peter Griffin: Shut up, Meg, you don't matter!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 13: The Simpsons Guy
Tagged: Parenting, You Don't Matter, I Matter, Snark, mean
“Brian Griffin: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!

Peter Griffin: I swear to God I thought dogs could breathe underwater.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 13: Turkey Guys
Tagged: Almost Dying, Stupid
“Oh jeez. This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Wasted Talent
Tagged: Snark, Hungover, Drinking Too Much
“They better not be expecting us to give money, because I gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein
Tagged: God, Donating Money, Faith, Snark
“Remember what I always tell you, if I come home in the middle of the day and catch you having sex with someone, I'll kill you both!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 4: Brian Sings and Swings
Tagged: Cheating, Getting Cheated On, Relationships, Marriage, I'll Kill You
“Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 8: Family Goy
Tagged: easter, Religion, easter bunny
“Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 8: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side
Tagged: Snark, Sassy, fuck off
“Hey Lois, I didn't flush. I want you to come see it. Looks like the Starbucks mermaid.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 9: Brothers & Sisters
Tagged: Potty Humor, Poop
“Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife he would have made me John Travolta.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 10: Mr. & Mrs. Stewie
Tagged: Snark, mean, insults
“[Speaking to Stewie as he's brought home from the hospital] Well it's up to you buddy. Save this marriage.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 11: Yug Ylimaf
Tagged: Saving Marriage, Marriage, Snark
“Lois Griffin: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?

Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love?'”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 1: I Never Met the Dead Man
Tagged: Love, Bribe, SASS
“We act like we didn't take a lot from the Simpsons. We took a lot from the Simpsons.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 14: Guy Robot
Tagged: Sassy, Snark
“Glenn Quagmire: That's a military fighter jet! He's here to shoot us down!

Peter Griffin: Or she.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 15: Passenger Fatty-Seven
Tagged: Assumptions, Sexism
“I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Peter Griffin
Tagged: Hurt Feelings, Need An Apology, Sorry
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
Tagged: Holiday Spirit, Christmas, Snark, Sassy, Shut The Hell Up
“I have a confession to make, I did not like The Godfather.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 4: The Griffin Family History
Tagged: The Godfather, Confessions
“Wow, you're cooler than a York peppermint patty!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 8: Jerome is the New Black
Tagged: cool, compliments
“I don't know what I'm doin' here. I was just lookin' for the can.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 10: Back to the Pilot
Tagged: I Don't Know What I'm Doing Here, Need The Bathroom
“I cry like Snoopy!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 14: Papa Has a Rollin' Son
Tagged: Crying, References To TV, Sad
“All right, red light. Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 15: Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date
Tagged: Texting, red light, Driving
“I'm planning on dying tonight. What are *your* plans?”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 15: The Peter Principal
Tagged: Want To Die, plans, SASS
“Home Supply Employee: Can I help you?

Peter Griffin: Yeah, I hate my neighbor and I want to build something crazy out of spite.

Home Supply Employee: Well, I'll take you to our one up-man-ship aisle”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 4: Petergeist
Tagged: Snark, I Hate My Neighbor, Sassy
“You're turning out to be a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 5: Whistle While Your Wife Works
Tagged: Buzzkills, Buzzkill, Sassy, Snark
“Aw, Quagmire got away with it and learned nothing. That's great.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 13: Quagmire's Mom
Tagged: Got Away With It, Learned Nothing, Snark, Sarcasm
“Come on, let's go drink until we can't feel feelings anymore.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Stuck Together, Torn Apart
Tagged: Drinking, Drinking Jokes, Drunk
“Death: You members of the human race have the power to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star. With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn how to put the bottle down, just sometimes?

Peter Griffin: We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no but we kept at it!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 9: Friends of Peter G.
Tagged: Snark, SASS, Discipline
“Peter Griffin: Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me and a little more mad at the guys growing mustaches for this month.

Brian Griffin: Hey, don't mock Mo-vember. Last year, I raised eight dollars and got on a BuzzFeed listicle.

Peter Griffin: No! You use real words! Internet stuff is not real words.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 13: Turkey Guys
Tagged: Don't Believe Everything You Read, Internet, Saw Online, Snark, SASS
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