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Michael Scott Quotes

Total quotes: 96
“It's not like booze ever kil*** anyone.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Booze Cruise
Tagged: booze, killed, Alcohol
“Andy Bernard: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

Michael Scott: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Nepotism
Tagged: Fired, Office, office work, ugly, humor, shallow
“When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Local Ad
Tagged: Unicorns, Young Mind
“It's simply beyond words. It's incalculable.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: simply, Beyond, incalculable, Words
“Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: The Secret
Tagged: Great Friends, hang out, Work, Friendship
“I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Money
Tagged: Responsibilities, Running Away From Your Problems
“Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

Michael: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.


Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.


Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Fun Run
Tagged: Jeopardy, I'm Fine
“Bros before ho**. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They've got your back after your hoe rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho*. And you told her she was the only ho* for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then, suddenly she is not your ho* no mo.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: A Benihana Christmas
Tagged: Bros before hoes, Code, heart, Love
“I'm making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: The Banker
Tagged: environment, cosmetic, appealing, push-up bra, Eyelashes, Lady Gaga, Drag Queen
“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: The Injury
Tagged: breakfast, Bed, Smell, Bacon, George Foreman Grill, Sleep, invention
“I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Frame Toby
Tagged: Tried, Friend, Simile Examples, evil snail, Scream 2, Neve Campbell, Lessons, Movies
“Jim: What'd you do, Prison Mike?

Michael: I stole...and I robbed...and I kidnapped the president's son...and held him for ransom.


Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.


Michael: And I never got caught neither.


Jim: Well, you were in prison, but..mhm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Convict
Tagged: Prison Mike, Prison
“Hi Holly, it's Michael. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it's just... you know? It's weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must've been a real train wreck. You know what? Holly, you're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don't-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It's... I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, and you might... you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Sex Ed
Tagged: Phone Call, message, humor, Sad, Break Up, The One, Freak Show, Train Wreck, Herpes
“The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: WUPHF.com
Tagged: cards, Business, Wild Card, Joker, Analogy, humor, Insulting
“I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen 'Antz.' But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how 'Antz' was just a ripoff of 'A Bug's Life,' he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was 'Antz.' Thing is, I thought 'A Bug's Life' was better, much better than 'Antz.' Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Threat Level Midnight
Tagged: Movie, Woody Allen, awkward, controversial, ripoff, Critics, Fans, Bad Advice
“I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Lecture Circuit
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance, Theatrics, actor, Singing
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