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Michael Schur Quotes

Total quotes: 80
“Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.

Peralta: All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Halloween
Tagged: Robot, Short sentences, Love, Participate
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Negotiation
Tagged: Wikipedia, Best Thing, World, subject, best possible, information, Collaboration
“Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.”
— Gina Linetti, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Sal's Pizza
Tagged: Weakness, strength, Paris Hilton, Change
“You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I have great hair and I love lying.”
— Gina Linetti, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Full Boyle
Tagged: Politics, lying, hair, campaigns
“Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!”
— Charles Boyle, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: Sabatoge
Tagged: useless, Incompetent, dog, Humping
“There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Partridge
Tagged: Skim Milk, lying, Water, Personification Examples
“Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!”
— April Ludgate, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Second Chunce
Tagged: humor, Funny, Power, Pizza, Knowledge, Money
“Peralta: Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...

Holt: 'Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do.' Sent from, 'My Stinky Butt.'”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: Lockdown
Tagged: Email, Condolences, Loss, Stinky Butt
“Sharon: Guys? My water just broke.

Peralta: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one- oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse!”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: Ava
Tagged: pregnant, Water Broke, Delievery
“I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Second Chunce
Tagged: Luck, Weak, Failures
“Terry: Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?

Peralta: [Scoffs] No.

Technician: Lie.

Peralta: Allright fine. She is. She makes me feels things.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Unsolvable
Tagged: Taylor Swift, Lies, Feelings, Songs, Hits
“Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: Traveling Salesmen
Tagged: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, strike one
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Win, Lose, or Draw
Tagged: Scotch, Hard Liquor, Drinking, Alcohol Quips
“Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker; the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which?

Peralta: That one's the dump?

Holt: They're both your locker.”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: The Tagger
Tagged: Dump, garbage, Locker, Gross
“He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe.”
— Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place, Season 2: The Trolley Problem
Tagged: Existential Crisis, anguish
“Holt: Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.

Peralta: But?

Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: 48 Hours
Tagged: Blame, Ruining, Sassy
“Diaz: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.

Judge: Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!”
— Rosa Diaz, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Old School
Tagged: Violence, Threatening, Anger
“Amy: Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.

Peralta: 'I hope it wasn't a mistake,' title of your sex tape? [gasps] Title of our sex tape!”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: New Captain
Tagged: mistake, Sex, Regrets, sex tape
“Diaz: Look, man. Nobody's ever gonna see that footage; the case was cut and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-

Boyle: Benny and the Jets.”
— Charles Boyle, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: Karen Peralta
Tagged: penis, nude, Naked, awkward
“Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?

Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.”
— Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place, Season 2: Somewhere Else
Tagged: Downton Abbey, TV Shows, Maggie Smith, Celebrities, Pop Culture, joke, Family
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: Sarcasm, reception, Alone
“My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Dream, Privatized, Chuck E. Cheese, Business Model
“What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad?”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 2: The Burrito
Tagged: Good Or Bad, Ethics
“You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days... Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 1: Michael's Gambit
Tagged: LGBT, Earth, Hell, Epiphany, realization, joke
“It’s like I always say. When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry, and go clubbing.”
— Jean-Ralphio, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: Motto, when life gives you lemons, clubbing, Stealing, jewlery, Grandma
“ Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Christmas Party
Tagged: reverse psychology, Psychology
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: Mozart, Butch Cassidy
“[Recording] It's Gina's phone, leave me a voicemail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.”
— Gina Linetti, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: The Mole
Tagged: Voicemail, Honesty, Old, Outdated
“Yeah. Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 5: HalloVeen
Tagged: Proposal, sweet, Smart, butt
“I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up I would definitely not go. ”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: would not miss it, World, not go, contradictory
“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.’”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Christmas Party
Tagged: presents, Care, Love, dollars, Money
“Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!!”
— Ann Perkins, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Greg Pikitis
Tagged: Halloween, holiday, slutty, costumes, Stomach Pumped
“Holt: Same to you, your honor. [Hangs up the phone.]

Jake: Oh, what judge were you talking to?

Holt: That was my mother.”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Thanksgiving
Tagged: Honor, mother, Judge
“Peralta: Sir, we just caught a serial killer! I've wanted this since I was four years old!

Holt: That's troubling.”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: The Oolong Slayer
Tagged: Goals, Troubling, strange, ambitions
“'I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now': title of your sex tape.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 5: HalloVeen
Tagged: sex tape, Sex, joke
“Peralta: Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.

Clerk: That will be $1,600.

Peralta: Great, I'd like your $8-Est bottle of wine, please.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: The Party
Tagged: Money, Wine, expensive, Cheap
“Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.”
— Gina Linetti, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: Chocolate Milk
Tagged: doctor, penis, Vasectomy
“Holt: I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs- we have reached an accord.

Peralta: Accords!”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: Halloween II
Tagged: Cost-Benefit, Accord, Thoughts, analysis
“Peralta: Do I even weigh anything to you?

Terry: No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.”
— Terry Jeffords, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: Payback
Tagged: Weightless, Grapes, Easy, Strong
“Peralta: Wait... What? Did you say 'eat people?' Are you a cannibal, Caleb?

Caleb: Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I'm a woodworker.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 5: The Big House Pt.1
Tagged: Cannibal, Woodworker, Self Image
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