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Michael Schur Quotes

Total quotes: 43
“Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.

Peralta: All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Halloween
Tagged: Robot, Short sentences, Love, Participate
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Negotiation
Tagged: Wikipedia, Best Thing, World, subject, best possible, information, Collaboration
“There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Partridge
Tagged: Skim Milk, lying, Water, Personification Examples
“Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!”
— April Ludgate, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Second Chunce
Tagged: humor, Funny, Power, Pizza, Knowledge, Money
“Peralta: Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...

Holt: 'Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do.' Sent from, 'My Stinky Butt.'”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: Lockdown
Tagged: Email, Condolences, Loss, Stinky Butt
“Terry: Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?

Peralta: [Scoffs] No.

Technician: Lie.

Peralta: Allright fine. She is. She makes me feels things.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Unsolvable
Tagged: Taylor Swift, Lies, Feelings, Songs, Hits
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Win, Lose, or Draw
Tagged: Scotch, Hard Liquor, Drinking, Alcohol Quips
“He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe.”
— Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place, Season 2: The Trolley Problem
Tagged: Existential Crisis, anguish
“Holt: Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.

Peralta: But?

Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: 48 Hours
Tagged: Blame, Ruining, Sassy
“Diaz: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.

Judge: Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!”
— Rosa Diaz, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Old School
Tagged: Violence, Threatening, Anger
“Amy: Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.

Peralta: 'I hope it wasn't a mistake,' title of your sex tape? [gasps] Title of our sex tape!”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: New Captain
Tagged: mistake, Sex, Regrets, sex tape
“Diaz: Look, man. Nobody's ever gonna see that footage; the case was cut and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-

Boyle: Benny and the Jets.”
— Charles Boyle, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: Karen Peralta
Tagged: penis, nude, Naked, awkward
“Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?

Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.”
— Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place, Season 2: Somewhere Else
Tagged: Downton Abbey, TV Shows, Maggie Smith, Celebrities, Pop Culture, joke, Family
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: Sarcasm, reception, Alone
“I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up I would definitely not go. ”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: would not miss it, World, not go, contradictory
“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.’”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Christmas Party
Tagged: presents, Care, Love, dollars, Money
“Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!!”
— Ann Perkins, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Greg Pikitis
Tagged: Halloween, holiday, slutty, costumes, Stomach Pumped
“Holt: Same to you, your honor. [Hangs up the phone.]

Jake: Oh, what judge were you talking to?

Holt: That was my mother.”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Thanksgiving
Tagged: Honor, mother, Judge
“Peralta: Sir, we just caught a serial killer! I've wanted this since I was four years old!

Holt: That's troubling.”
— Captain Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: The Oolong Slayer
Tagged: Goals, Troubling, strange, ambitions
“'I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now': title of your sex tape.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 5: HalloVeen
Tagged: sex tape, Sex, joke
“How to take off a woman's bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: Ben Franklin
Tagged: Woman, bra, Twist, hands, Breaks
“If I'm ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need my rabbi.”
— Amy Santiago, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Captain, Mentor, Training, rabbi
“Boyle: Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!

Peralta: That is no one's fantasy!”
— Charles Boyle, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: The Vulture
Tagged: Sex, Old People, Transformers, Fantasy
“Holt: I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.

Amy: I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you anything.”
— Amy Santiago, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Old School
Tagged: manipulation, Gossip, Friendship
“Diaz: Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?

Gina: Emotionally? $700 million.”
— Gina Linetti, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: The Ebony Falcon
Tagged: stolen, Emotional, Taken, Money, Value
“ Where were you? You were gone for three hours. I know because I sang 'This Is How We Do It' 143 times.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2: Sabatoge
Tagged: This Is How We Do It, Singing, Time, Waiting
“Backstreet Boys. I'm familiar. Okay. [presses intercom] Number one, could you please sing the opening to 'I Want It That Way?'”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 5: DFW
Tagged: Backstreet Boys, Criminal Investigation, sing, Lineup, suspect
“Oh, look! A Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm going to go get me a New York slice!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Valentine's Day
Tagged: New york Pizza, New York City
“Boss man, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.”
— Mona-Lisa, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: boss, Manager, Hang on, Quit
“You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, 'I would like to speak to a manager.' But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.”
— Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place, Season 2: Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent
Tagged: Managers, Fixing Relationships
“All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 2: The Trolley Problem
Tagged: Death, Mortality
“We've busted murderers; we've taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Operation
Tagged: busted, murders, cartels, worst, Fire Department
“Eleanor: I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say 'fork'?

Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.

Eleanor: That's bullshirt.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 1: Everything Is Fine
Tagged: Cursing, Heaven, Fork, joke, comedy
“I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.”
— Jim Halpert, The Office, Season 3: The Return
Tagged: The Universe
“Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: sting like a bee, float like a butterfly, Advice, Ridiculous
“Judge Mindel: This looks like it was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed.

Peralta: But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed?

Judge Mindel: I take it you're the toddler.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 1: Charges and Specs
Tagged: toddler, Justice, Judge, Hyper Speed, Rushing
“Peralta: This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.

Gina: You mean like a dining room?

Peralta: Yeah. But in Manhattan.”
— Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 3: Cheddar
Tagged: rich, Money, Dining Room, Manhattan
“You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, 'Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong.' And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 2: Somewhere Else
Tagged: Voices In Your Head, do the right thing
“Diaz: NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!

Boyle: Put your magical hands where I can see them!

Diaz: You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!

Boyle: And money laundering.”
— Rosa Diaz, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 4: The Overmining
Tagged: Arrest, Perfect, Laundering, Crime
“As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 2: Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent
Tagged: Good Place, Heaven
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