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Michael Richards Quotes

Total quotes: 62
“You ever dream in 3-D? It’s like the bogeyman is coming RIGHT AT YOU.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Gymnast
Tagged: 3-D, Dreams, Bogeyman
“Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job
Tagged: Nose Job, New York, Bluntless, Too Honest
“Kramer: You’re becoming one of the glitterati.

George: What’s that?

Kramer: People who glitter.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Race
Tagged: Glitterati
“Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Bizarro Jerry
Tagged: Sales, Advertising, Steak
“You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser
Tagged: cologne, Aromatherapy, Beaches
“We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh…shaving.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Contest
Tagged: masturbation, Men
“If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Kiss Hello
Tagged: East Side, Civil Society
“Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Reverse Peephole
Tagged: Dandy, Effeminacy, Man Purses
“Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Finale
Tagged: LA, Los Angeles, Whore
“Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure...my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence
Tagged: face, Visage, Livelihood, Vanity
“Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, coldhearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback
Tagged: Coldhearted, Dirty Work, Machiavellian, Cutthroat
“Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick
Tagged: Trust, Intuition, Advice
“Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint—it's delicious.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Junior Mint
Tagged: Junior Mints, chocolate, Peppermint, Temptation
“I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Handicap Spot
Tagged: Isosceles Triangles, Naming Children
“I got news for you: Handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why those spaces are always empty.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Handicap Spot
Tagged: Handicapped People, Disabled People, Parking, Handicapped Parking Spots
“Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that—they're baggin' up, they're rising in! And there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman
Tagged: Underwear, Boxer Shorts, Freeballing
“Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Understudy
Tagged: Understudies, Substitute Teachers
“You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze-frame it. Oh ho, yeah.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Dog
Tagged: Revenge, Feelings, Cruelty, Sadism
“I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness...like you.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Keys
Tagged: Despair, Hitting Bottom, Shadows, Darkness, insults
“You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Cigar Store Indian
Tagged: Coffee Tables, Books, Coffee Table Books
“A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doorman
Tagged: Male Bras, Bras, Mansiere, Bro, Underwear
“There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of
a woman.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy
Tagged: Masculinity, Grown Man, Fear of Women
“It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks. Trying to save a quarter, ooh.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Library
Tagged: Libraries, Cheapness
“She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Handicap Spot
Tagged: Rejection, Getting Dumped, Hipsters, Hipster Doofus
“Yeah, Jerry, I’m telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Conversion
Tagged: Attraction, Sex, Charisma, Kavorka
“Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Face Painter
Tagged: East Side, Society, antisocial
“You know, I try to take care of myself. I—I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick
Tagged: Fitness, Fructose
“He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Soup Nazi
Tagged: Soup, Nazis, Soup Nazi, Geniuses, Eccentric People
“Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love YOU! I can't live without you, I'll do anything.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Dog
Tagged: Apologies, Regret, Love
“Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on people’s heads. Story like that has got to be true.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Raquel Welch, Prima Donnas, Divas, Temper, Violence Against Planned Parenthood
“Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five-foot-eleven, he's got, uh, a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, OK?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Movie
Tagged: Caricatures
“Because you're a bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Mom & Pop Store
Tagged: Yuppies, Corporate Takeover, Gentrification
“Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Switch
Tagged: Broken Families, Dysfunctional Families, emotional pain, Estranged Relatives
“If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody if you know their name!”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Kiss Hello
Tagged: Society, Community, Friendliness
“Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea: a restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Friars Club
Tagged: Percolating, Mossy, fertile, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Sleep Deprivation
“You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ‘Hey, denty!’ Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Anti-Dentite, Anti-Semite, Slurs
“See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Checks
Tagged: Japan, orange, Fruit, apples
“His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself. I'm not going to let you. If you don't call him I will.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Barber
Tagged: Barbers, Feelings, Haircuts, Self-Destruction
“Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Pledge Drive
Tagged: Bank Fraud, Bad Checks
“It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Couch
Tagged: Get Rich Quick Schemes, Pizza, Entrepreneurs
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