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Matt Stone Quotes

Total quotes: 112
“Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Anal Humor, Fart Jokes, Sick, Immature
“Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?

Damien: The seventh layer of hell!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: Hell, Alabama
“No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Independent FIlms, Black and White, Hippie, Movies, Gay Cowboys
“Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: Africa, Hunting, Black People, Stating the Obvious
“Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?”
— Priest Maxi, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus
“Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.

Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Pippi Longstocking, Crack Whore
“I'm working with a Russian sound technician. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.”
— Matt Stone
Tagged: Clean Funny, Jokes
“We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.”
— ATF Agent, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: Murder, Suicide
“A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?”
— Butters, South Park, Season 13: The Ring
Tagged: wedding ring, Dead Bedrooms, Marriage
“Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.

Kyle: What!

Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.

Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.

Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.

Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 11: Fantastic Easter Special
Tagged: jesus, Suicide, blasphemy, Jews
“Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

Cartman [shocked]: What?

Grampa: That's right!

Stan: Grampa!

Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman: Hey!

Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: Necrophilia, i fucked your mom, piece of crap
“It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple 'man walks into a bar' joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.”
— Father Maxi, South Park, Season 7: Grey Dawn
Tagged: Preachers, God, Farce, macabre
“Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.

Phillip: We're not?”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: Homophobic, gay
“This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 6: Freak Strike
Tagged: maury povich, carnival freaks, dick
“Kyle: [into Cartman's ear] Hey, if you visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother, goddamn it!

Cartman: Ow, that hurt, you buttlicker!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Screaming, earache
“[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Tom Selleck, Crop Circle
“Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!”
— Sharon Marsh, South Park, Season 2: Conjoined Fetus Lady
Tagged: Suicide Attempts, Delusion
“Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 2: Chef Aid
Tagged: prostitution, raising money, whoring
“Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Rainforest Shmainforest
Tagged: fear of snakes
“Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.

Cartman: That's a bunch of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: naughty, Potty Mouth, Jew, Anti-Semitism
“Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news!

Cartman: You have AIDS?”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 7: Casa Bonita
Tagged: AIDS, humor
“Stan: That's impossible! Cartman wouldn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!

Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: rainforest, Pop-Tarts
“Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.

Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree-hugger!

Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: woodstock, Hippie, tree-hugger
“Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?

Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Hitler, Sieg Heil
“Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!

Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: endor, wookies
“Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!

Kyle: You bastards!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Bastards
“ Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000
Tagged: penis, Castration
“Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Poverty, so poor jokes
“Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.

Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: poontang, Goddamn
“Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Pussy, faggy, goth, Clique
“The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien. You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal.”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 22: The Problem with a Poo
Tagged: Ambien, Brain Fog
“Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 9: Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina
Tagged: sex change, transracial
“Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 5: Cartmanland
Tagged: Alabama, Poverty, God
“Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 9: Follow That Egg
Tagged: hats, Backhanded Compliments
“Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the baby!

Kyle: Kick the baby.

[kicks Ike across the street, knocking over a row of mailboxes]”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: baby kicking
“Pip: Oh, good day, Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me.

Damien: Then I will call you Pip.

Pip: Right-o.”
— Pip Pirrip, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: Nicknames
“Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!

Jesus: Our savior!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Mecha-Streisand
Tagged: Robert Smith, The Cure, savior, jesus
“Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court.

Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: Farting, legal defense
“Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Goals, Dreams, beefcake
“Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut—

Chef: HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Tagged: procrastination, Football
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