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Kevin Smith Quotes

Total quotes: 37
“It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll...Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?”
— Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: happy family, Monkey, tear gas
“Do you think 'Fat Albert' had an inker? No, Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT.”
— Chaka, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Bill Cosby, fat albert
“Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.

Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.”
— Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: warning shot, bulbous ass, rectal breach
“It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.”
— Brodie Bruce/Banky Edwards, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: comic book, dick, Respect
“Jay: And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?

Brent: [getting into the van] Say, what's all this talk about farting?”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Farting, Fast Food
“Whillenholly: [to Banky] Wow, there's a lot of love in the room.

Banky: Regardless of what you may have heard, I do not kiss guys.

Whillenholly: OK, play it cool, hot shot.”
— Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Love, Homophobia, hot shot
“In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: spank the monkey, world gone mad
“Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.”
— Holden McNeil/Himself, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Internet, Bitch
“Don't you never say an unkind word about The Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What?”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: The Time, Morris Day, Jerome, pimp
“Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: bus tickets, free stuff, Shit
“[singing outside the Stop N Go]
I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls.”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: teabagging, finger-banging, balls, asshole
“Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it. That's right. I was gonna call it ’N.W.P.’—Niggaz Wit' Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?”
— Chaka, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Anti-White, Sesame Street, PBS
“Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal.”
— Holden McNeil/Himself, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: morose, Motherfuckers, Shit, cereal
“And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.”
— Reg Hartner, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Clit
“Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.”
— Sissy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: girl stuff, boning, Stealing, blowing shit up
“James Van Der Beek: [about 'Dawson's Creek'] You actually watch that show?

Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to third base with her?

James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time...”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Dawson's Creek, Third Base
“Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here.”
— Chaka, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: black ass, crackers, anti-white racism, Guns
“Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.”
— Holden McNeil/Himself, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Fuck, Anal Rape, stupid asses
“Jay: Hey, lawdog.

Whillenholly: [Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump] Hey!

Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker!

Whillenholly: Aww, Fuck Meeeee!”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: bus tickets, free stuff, Shit
“Whillenholly: And might I add, that is one fine-looking boy you are raising.

Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Queer, Cock, Sperm
“[clears throat] And I'll be, like, 'What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?' And she'll be, like, 'Oh, I've read on the Internet that you's guys are a couple of little… [emphatically to Silent Bob] … fuckholes!' [both laugh]”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: mack daddy, New Jersey, fuckhole, Internet
“Duck, pie-fucker! Damn, these white boys can't fight.”
— Chaka, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: White Boys, pie-fucker, Anti-White
“Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son.”
— Cock-Knocker, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Fuck, Jedi
“Sissy: Shut the fuck up, before I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties.

Jay: [Looks down] I AM wearing pansy red booties. [Looks at Silent Bob] Why the fuck didn't you tell me?”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Pansy Red Booties, Crossdressing
“Nights like this...I miss dating a lesbian.”
— Holden McNeil/Himself, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Lesbian, Dating, Regret
“See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.”
— Randal Graves, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Restraining Order
“Banky: Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman and Chronic. We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.

Chaka: Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte—De-Crackernated. OK, Fucky?

Banky: Actually, it's Banky.

Chaka: No, it is Fucky.”
— Chaka, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: executive producer, Cracker
“Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!

Jason Biggs: You see! It's never 'Hey! You're that guy from Loser' or 'Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls.' No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!

James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Loser, Boys and Girls, Haunted, pie fucking
“Whillenholly: [Jay and Silent Bob are hiding in the diner] They've got a monkey in there?

Sheriff: An ape.

Whillenholly: What?

Sheriff: An orangutan's a member of the great ape family, it's not a monkey.

Whillenholly: Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here, me or you? That's what I thought.”
— Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Monkey, Ape, orangutan, federal wildlife marshal
“All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie...we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love— Jay and Silent Bob.”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Miramax, Hollywood, Bitches, Shit, Coprophagy
“Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.

Jay: What buzz?

Holden: The Internet buzz.

Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?

Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Internet, buzz, Fuck, Bitch, Pornography
“Matt Damon: Just take it from 'It's a good course.'

Ben Affleck: Oh, now you're the director.

Matt Damon: Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...

Ben Affleck: Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.

Matt Damon: I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?

Ben Affleck: You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him. [They both take a beat and look at the camera] And sometimes, you go back to the well.

Matt Damon: And sometimes, you play Reindeer Games.

Ben Affleck: See, that's just mean.”
— Kevin Smith, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Dogma, Reindeer Games, Serial Killers
“[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]
Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than Clash of the Titans.

Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.

Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order.

Dante Hicks: Why?

Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the Internet tonight.”
— Holden McNeil/Himself, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: clash of the titans, judi dench, Restraining Order
“Hitchhiker: [explaining why he gives head for rides] Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately? There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.

Jay: Fuck that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.

Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight...it's all the same now. There are no more lines.”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: blowjobs, Sperm, gay, straight, suburban, millennium
“[Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob]
Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.

Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go.”
— Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Brady Bunch, Butt-Fucking, gay, Ape, fiasco
“Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, 'When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl? Fuck! When, Lord when? WHEN'S GONNA BE MY TIME?'”
— Holden McNeil/Himself, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Grow Up, Dick Jokes, weed jokes, Fart Jokes, Fuck
“[deleted scene]
Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?

Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?

Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.

Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?

Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.

Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick your finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out. [stunned silence]

Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return! [both hookers leave]

Jay: What? You said 'nasty'! [to Silent Bob] Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.”
— Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Tagged: Hookers, Ass Play, Nutsack, Dixie Cup, Hollywood, Stuck-Up
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