It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.
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Kevin Smith
Kevin Patrick Smith (born August 2, 1970) is an American filmmaker, actor, public speaker, comic book writer, author, and podcaster. He came to prominence with the low-budget comedy film Clerks (1994), which he wrote, directed, co-produced, and acted in as the character Silent Bob of stoner duo Jay and Silent Bob. Jay and Silent Bob have appeared in Smith's follow-up films Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back which were set primarily in his home state of New Jersey. While not strictly sequential, the films frequently featured crossover plot elements, character references, and a shared canon described by fans as the "View Askewniverse", named after his production company View Askew Productions, which he co-founded with Scott Mosier. Smith also directed and produced films such as the buddy cop action comedy Cop Out (2010), the horror film Red State (2011), and the horror comedy Tusk (2014), the first film in the True North trilogy. Smith is the owner of Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, a comic book store in Red Bank, New Jersey that is the subject of the reality-television show Comic Book Men. He also hosts the movie-review television show Spoilers. As a podcaster, Smith co-hosts several shows on his own SModcast Podcast Network, including SModcast, Fatman on Batman, and the live show Hollywood Babble-On. Smith is well known for participating in long, humorous Q&A sessions that are often filmed for DVD release, beginning with An Evening with Kevin Smith. 2Early life Kevin Patrick Smith was born on August 2, 1970 in Red Bank, New Jersey, the son of Grace (née Schultz), a homemaker, and Donald E. Smith, a postal worke
Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son.
Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.
Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.
Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass. Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.
And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.
See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.
Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man…
[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie] Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than Clash of the Titans. Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me. Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order. Dante Hicks: Why? Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the…
Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.
Nights like this...I miss dating a lesbian.
Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal.
Whillenholly: [Jay and Silent Bob are hiding in the diner] They've got a monkey in there? Sheriff: An ape. Whillenholly: What? Sheriff: An orangutan's a member of the great ape family, it's not a monkey. Whillenholly: Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here, me or you? That's what I thought.
Whillenholly: [to Banky] Wow, there's a lot of love in the room. Banky: Regardless of what you may have heard, I do not kiss guys. Whillenholly: OK, play it cool, hot shot.
It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll...Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?
Do you think 'Fat Albert' had an inker? No, Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT.
[Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob] Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape. Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm…
Duck, pie-fucker! Damn, these white boys can't fight.
Banky: Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman and Chronic. We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer. Chaka: Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte—De-Crackernated. OK, Fucky? Banky: Actually, it's Banky. Chaka: No, it is…
Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it. That's right. I was gonna call it ’N.W.P.’—Niggaz Wit' Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?