John Turturro Quotes

Total quotes (8)

John Turturro

John Turturro

Birthname

Birthday February 28, 1957

Birthplace Brooklyn, New York, United States

Educated At Yale School Of Drama, Yale University

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Television Actor, Film Actor, Stage Actor, Film Director, Character Actor

Spouse Katherine Borowitz

Characters Portrayed

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Total quotes (8)

Any lawyer who comes to you with the words I guarantee! is a liar.

— Jack Stone (John Turturro), The Night Of, Season 1: Part 3: A Dark Crate

Lawyers I Hate Lawyers

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Abner DoubleDay: [after credits] Before you go...Two...four...six...eight...who do we appreciate?

Chinese Baseball Team: [in unison] The Stockburns! The Stockburns! Yeah! The Stockburns!

— Abner Doubleday (John Turturro), The Ridiculous 6

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It’s like having a nuclear arsenal. You don’t want to use it, but if the other side knows you got it, they tend to come to the table sooner.

— Jack Stone (John Turturro), The Night Of, Season 1: Part 4: The Art of War

Examples of Similes

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I’ve been an I don’t know guy all my life. It’s never let me down.

— Jack Stone (John Turturro), The Night Of, Season 1: Part 1: The Beach

I Don't Know Not Knowing Not Being Arrogant

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Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

— Jesus Quintana (John Turturro), The Big Lebowski

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The night Naz was arrested, he lost a lot. He lost his freedom to return home to his family, to his school, to his night job that helps pay for that school. But what he didn’t lose, and what none of us can lose, were his Constitutional rights to an attorney, to a fair and impartial trial by you, his peers, and to the presumption of his innocence beyond a reasonable doubt.

— Jack Stone (John Turturro), The Night Of, Season 1: Part 8: The Call of the Wild

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Abner DoubleDay: Let's play ball. Welcome, my friends, to the first ever playing of a new sport. A sport of my own devising. On this field, two ten-person teams will engage in a battle of... Yes, Qi?

Qi: Only 18 people here.

Abner DoubleDay: Two nine-person teams will engage in a battle of strength, speed, and strategy. One team will go out onto the field to play defense while the other team will take turns hitting this ball...with a stickie.

Chico: What are you gonna call this game?

Abner DoubleDay: What else? Stickie McSchnickens. Now your goal, ball thrower, is to get the ball past me two times without my hitting it. Fire when ready.

— Abner Doubleday (John Turturro), The Ridiculous 6

baseball strategy

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Tommy aka White Knife: [Playing baseball] Okay, that's two past ya. So you're done, right?

Abner DoubleDay: No, no, I said three times.

Short Stop: No, you said two.

Abner DoubleDay: I said three! Three strikes and I'm out. I know what I said, shortstop. That's your new name, Short Stop, that's right. Now and forever, forever and ever, Short Stop, Short Stop, Short Stop. [laughs]

— Abner Doubleday (John Turturro), The Ridiculous 6

Shortstop Three Strikes Strikeout baseball

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Related quotes to John Turturro tagged Lawyers

Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.

Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

— Niles Crane (David Hyde Pierce), Frasier, Season 1: The Crucible

Insults To Lawyers Lawyers Hating On Lawyers

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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they’re really good people.

— Jimmy McGill (Bob Odenkirk), Better Call Saul, Season 2: Rebecca

Jokes Lawyer Jokes Lawyers

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What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you’re dead!

— Jimmy McGill (Bob Odenkirk), Better Call Saul, Season 2: Rebecca

Lawyer Jokes Jokes Lawyers

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The leading rule for the lawyer, as for the man of every other calling, is diligence. Leave nothing for to-morrow which can be done to-day.

— Abraham Lincoln, via www.abrahamlincolnonline.org

Lawyers Diligence

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A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: ‘Excuse me, how much do you charge?’
The lawyer responds: ‘I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.’
‘Bloody hell. That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. What’s your third question?’

— Unknown, 50 Short, Clean Jokes And Puns That Will Get You A Laugh Every Time

Lawyers Extortion

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Yeah, that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

— Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Maestro

Lawyers Lawsuits Constitution rights Consumer Rights

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What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

— Jimmy McGill (Bob Odenkirk), Better Call Saul, Season 2: Rebecca

Lawyer Jokes Jokes Lawyers

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All of your police, judges, lawyers, wardens, doctors, National Crime Commissions and writers have combined to find out and remedy the cause and effect of crime. With all this knowledge and power at their command, they have accomplished nothing except to make conditions worse instead of better.

— Carl Panzram, via www-rohan.sdsu.edu

Serial Killers Police Judges Lawyers Wardens Crime punishment

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The function of the law is not to provide justice or to preserve freedom. The function of the law is to keep those who hold power, in power.

— Gerry Spence, Freedom To Slavery

Law Lawyers Freedom Justice

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Let no young man choosing the law for a calling for a moment yield to the popular belief resolve to be honest at all events; and if in your own judgment you cannot be an honest lawyer, resolve to be honest without being a lawyer.

— Abraham Lincoln, via www.abrahamlincolnonline.org

Lawyers Honesty Judgment

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Angela: Do you even care if your clients are innocent?

Proctor: No, I really don't.

— Angela Valdes (Lela Loren), Power, Season 4: That Ain't Me

Lawyers Sociopath

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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

— Jimmy McGill (Bob Odenkirk), Better Call Saul, Season 2: Rebecca

Lawyer Jokes Jokes Lawyers

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If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself, the thing is more than half done already.

— Abraham Lincoln, via www.abrahamlincolnonline.org

Lawyers Determination

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Lawyers are always confident before the verdict. It is only afterwards they share their doubts.

— Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey, Series 2: Episode Eight

Lawyers confident Trial Doubts

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The only people I ever made happy were divorce attorneys.

— David Rossi (Joe Mantegna), Criminal Minds, Season 3: The Crossing

Happy Divorce Lawyers

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For the record, I don’t have to like my clients or what they have done.

— Anthony Isaacs, 10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask a Lawyer Who Defends Rapists

Rape Sexual Assault Lawyers Defense Attorneys

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You were a demon and a lawyer? Insert joke here.

— Paige Matthews (Rose McGowan), Charmed, Season 4: Black As Cole

demon Lawyers Sassy Snarky

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