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John Swartzwelder Quotes

Total quotes: 36
“Bart: TV sucks.

Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 4: Itchy & Scratchy
Tagged: TV, Sucks, upset, Pretend, Ignore
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 5: Bart Gets an Elephant
Tagged: Participating, Sporting Events, Win, Lose, Drunk
“ If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
Tagged: cartoons, Grow Up, Sense, humor, Robots
“Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 8: Mountain of Madness
Tagged: Ideas, intriguing, subscribe, newsletter
“Marge: Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.

Homer: Sorry, Marge. Some wiseguy stuck a cork in the bottle.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 1: The Crepes of Wrath
Tagged: Glass, Wine, wiseguy, cork, bottle
“Everything lasts forever.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 6: Homer the Great
Tagged: Everything, Forever, Everlasting
“Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 6: Homer the Great
Tagged: glory, Fleeting, remember
“Eat my shorts!”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: Treehouse of Horror
Tagged: Catchphrase, Eat, Shorts, Diss
“Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Smithers: If you did it, Sir?”
— Waylon Smithers, The Simpsons, Season 3: Dog of Death
Tagged: Dogs, idiots, House, Crotch, slobbering, Attraction
“To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems!”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 8: Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment
Tagged: Alcohol, Drinking, solution, Life, Problems
“Wow, that is the biggest Rice Krispie square I've ever seen! The rich sure know how to live.”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 5: The Boy Who Knew Too Much
Tagged: big, treat, rice krispie square, rich, live
“Don't you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 6: Homer the Great
Tagged: Getting What You Want, Unfulfilled, joyless
“Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 1: The Crepes of Wrath
Tagged: Fighting, argument, Debate, America, Land of Opportunity, Capitalism, Blood, workers
“Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: Bart vs. Thanksgiving
Tagged: Apologize, spot, hurt, feel bad
“Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.

Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: The War of the Simpsons
Tagged: Drunk, wasted, Night, strange, Alcohol
“Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 1: The Call of the Simpsons
Tagged: Advice, Stars, Astronomy, Class, Woods, Directions
“Dave Shutton: What are you using for bait?

Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish
Tagged: bait, Fishing, Worms, Tranquility, Nothing
“Homer: Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 5: Rosebud
Tagged: Lose, Wiggle, butt, public, Belief, skeptical
“I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.”
— Marge Simpson , The Simpsons, Season 2: Bart Gets Hit by a Car
Tagged: mother, nice to say, anything, polite
“Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!

Bart: What about the Emmys?

Lisa: I stand corrected.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 3: Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?
Tagged: Farce, Emmys, corrected, show
“No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 3: Homer at the Bat
Tagged: Good, better, Million, no matter
“Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: The War of the Simpsons
Tagged: Respect, ever did, ever will, Sassy
“Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 5: Bart Gets Famous
Tagged: hello, Phone, Speak Up, towel, Naked
“I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 10: Maximum Homerdrive
Tagged: Read, Cows, killed
“The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 1: Bart the General
Tagged: Rules, Code, schoolyard, tattle, Making Fun Of Other People
“ Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy.”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 1: Bart the General
Tagged: Ladies and Gentlemen, War, Glamorous, losers, winners, The American Revolution, World War 2, Star Wars
“Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.”
— Waylon Smithers, The Simpsons, Season 2: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish
Tagged: Irony, Election, Jail, Murder, Democracy, noble, Poetic
“I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.”
— Marge Simpson , The Simpsons, Season 2: Treehouse of Horror
Tagged: live, House, Evil, Money
“Hey, cool, I'm dead.”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: Bart Gets Hit by a Car
Tagged: cool, dead, realization
“There’s a 4:30 in the morning now?”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 6: Bart's Comet
Tagged: early, Morning, Questions
“Ew, baby spit! YOU suck.”
— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: Treehouse of Horror
Tagged: Ew, ick, baby spit, suck
“Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 10: The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
Tagged: Advice, shot, Women
“Just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 2: Bart vs. Thanksgiving
Tagged: don't care, not listening, Indifferent, Not Paying Attention
“Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison.

Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart: Poison pizza.

Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 4: Itchy & Scratchy
Tagged: parent teacher conference, Pizza, Good, Bad, two stops
“Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer: [breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart: Ay, caramba!

Marge: [groans]

Maggie: [sucks her pacifier]

Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney: [belches]

Nelson: Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns: Excellent.”
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 5: Bart Gets Famous
Tagged: Catchphrase, Iconic, character, Silly
“[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart’s problems at school.]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer: Hear him out, Marge.”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 1: The Crepes of Wrath
Tagged: School, suspension, explusion, Deportation, Extreme, Country Crock
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