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Jeff Schaffer Quotes

Total quotes: 44
“We don’t know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Puerto Rican Day
Tagged: Puerto Ricans, Festive
“You ever dream in 3-D? It’s like the bogeyman is coming RIGHT AT YOU.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Gymnast
Tagged: 3-D, Dreams, Bogeyman
“George: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.


Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Marisa Tomei, Unmatched Partners
“Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Voice
Tagged: Breakups, Coke Machines
“There is no bigger loser than me!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Biggest Loser, Self-deprecation
“Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.

Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.”
— Frank Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Christmas, Christmas Shopping, Festivus
“Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.”
— Phone Guy #1, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid
Tagged: Circular Logic, Phone Companies, Semantics
“Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!”
— Bob, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Puerto Rican Day
Tagged: Puerto Rican Day, Thugs, Threats
“Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Frolf, Frisbee Golf, Frisbee, Golf, Summer, Summer of George
“You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doodle
Tagged: ugliness, Bluntness, Honesty
“Pete: You suck. See you Sunday.

Kevin: Love you.”
— Kevin, The League, Season 1: The Draft
Tagged: suck, goodbye, Love
“Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Catfights, erotica, Lesbianism
“You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code
Tagged: Aloofness, Attraction
“What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave
Tagged: Bad Jokes, Lampshade
“Andre: [wearing a fedora] I'm a doctor and there's a medical emergency. I need to get on the flight.

TSA Guard: I don't believe you, and a doctor wouldn't wear that hat.”
— Andre, The League, Season 2: Vegas Draft
Tagged: Fedora, fedoraphobia
“A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll melt your face.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Gymnast
Tagged: Gymnasts, Flexibility, Sex
“Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Insanity
“Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid
Tagged: Universe, lost, Directions
“Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code
Tagged: Individuality, Codependency, Solitude, selfishness, Relationships
“Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had—but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!”
— Frank Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Christmas, Festivus, Materialism, Violence
“I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Insomnia, Neon, chicken
“Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Gymnast
Tagged: Homelessness, Bum
“My father used to take me to the circus. When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society.”
— Katya, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Gymnast
Tagged: bizarre, Circus
“Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code
Tagged: mothers, Crazy People, Babbling, passwords, Bosco
“Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Label Maker
Tagged: Regifting, Degifting, super bowl, Sex
“You know, I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week, except me. Needless to say, it was quite vexing.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doodle
Tagged: Nude Models, Jealousy, Nudity
“I waited all year for this. Oooh, this is fantastic. Makes your taste buds come alive. It's like having a circus in your mouth.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doodle
Tagged: Peaches, Mackinaw Peaches, Appetite
“The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.”
— J. Peterman, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code
Tagged: Catalogs, Murder, Secrets
“Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Foundation
Tagged: Gluttony, Freedom
“Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on people’s heads. Story like that has got to be true.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Raquel Welch, Prima Donnas, Divas, Temper, Violence Against Planned Parenthood
“I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave
Tagged: Foreign Currency, travel, Annoyance, Threats
“Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Seven
Tagged: Seven, 7, Beatings, Stitches, bullying
“I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Foundation
Tagged: Gluttony, Freedom
“I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: eating, Incentives, Sub Sandwiches
“I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's a regifter!”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Label Maker
Tagged: Regifting
“You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doodle
Tagged: Book Plots, World Diplomacy, International Intrigue
“So, did you have any trouble finding the place?”
— J. Peterman, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Burma, Insanity, Apocalypse Now
“So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean, if they don't notice it what's the point?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Calzone
Tagged: Calzones, Tipping, Tip Jar
“Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees—no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave
Tagged: Handicapped, Success, New York Yankees
“I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick-ass philanthropist! I would have all this money and people would love me. Then they would come to me and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Philanthropy, charity, Beggars, Wealth, Power
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