Eric Cartman Quotes
Total quotes (66)
Total quotes (66)
Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose,' you call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to—
Randy Marsh: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!
Stan: [to Cartman] Asshole.
Randy Marsh: That's better.
Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!
Stan: Ready, you guys?
Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]
Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!
Stan: Cut! Cartman!
Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman: I know that!
Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
Cartman: [thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle: Der, Cartman!
Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!
Kyle: Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.
Stan: Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
Cartman: Screw you guys...
Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
Kyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!
Dr. Schwartz: His father had it, his grandfather had it and...his brother had it.
Kyle: [horrified] No. No, it's not possible.
Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.
Stan: Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.
Cartman: Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision, too!
Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?
Cartman: I clocked you at 40 MPH back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?
Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 MPH.
Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.
Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!
Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!
Cartman: Get your ass to jail!
Randy: Ow! Hey, what the heck you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!
Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
Cartman: Goddamn it!
Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!
Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun?
Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I want to know where I came from.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?
Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song.
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor.
Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!