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Dwight Schrute Quotes

Total quotes: 71
“Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Who is Justice Beaver?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Todd Packer
Tagged: Justin Beiber, mistake, misworded
“Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Gay Witch Hunt
Tagged: Buy, gay-dar, gay radar, Online
“I never thought I'd say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Finale
Tagged: Eating Too Much, Bone Marrow
“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Special Project
Tagged: Peacocks, Powerpoint Presentations
“Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Survivor Man
Tagged: hurt, accidentally, Stranger, purpose
“Pam Beesly: Dwight, am I hot right now?

Dwight Schrute: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Pam's Replacement
Tagged: Hot, Attractive, Sex, Impregnate, Attraction, Rude
“Oscar Martinez: Don't you want to see the baby?

Dwight Schrute: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Jury Duty
Tagged: Baby, humor, Genetics, Senator, Mash Up
“In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Classy Christmas
Tagged: Merry Christmas, Christmas, Fear
“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Words, description, Describing Yourself
“People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Nostalgia, Weakness
“Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: People, Population, Overpopulation, Plague
“Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Feelings, Moving On
“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: Stress, stress relief
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: Mozart, Butch Cassidy
“My perfect Valentine's day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: PDA
Tagged: valentine's day, Holidays, humor, Evil, Manipulative, Reservations
“"R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder' and not 'mukduk'”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: sound, Alphabet
“When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Smile, Faking a smile, Honesty, Rude
“Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Safety Training
Tagged: shun, Slapping, Silence, Amish, technique, Simile Examples
“The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Gettysburg
Tagged: History, Civil War, irresponsible, erasure, Forgotten
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Business School
Tagged: are vampires real, werewolves and vampires, mythical creatures
“You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: The Duel
Tagged: Learn Your Rules, Nursery Rhymes
“I'm gonna intimidate him, ok? Watch this....So anyways, she said that is the biggest penis I have ever scene and I said I know! That's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: The Sting
Tagged: Intimidating Men, Intimidation
“You're a perfectly fine toilet... I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Trivia
Tagged: is this a compliment?, Piece of Shit
“When two gay men have sex, how to they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: gay, Sex, Sexual Intercourse
“What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?

"Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: stupidity, Inspiring Advice, Life Changing Words
“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Product Recall
Tagged: Identity Theft
“Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Initiation
Tagged: Advice, hurts my feelings
“Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don't hear about is the many people they push further out to sea. Dolphins aren't smart. They just like pushing things.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this... Maybe they have something against living forever.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“There are three things you must never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same... except I could fly.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Once I'm officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
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