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Clark Griswold Quotes

Total quotes: 53
“We're kicking off our fun old-fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel-drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Christmas Movies
“Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: christmas lights, house fire
“The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: lisp, Christmas Spirit
“Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Frigid
“Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat…and smack it with the hammer.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: bird, Hammer
“Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: eggnog, middle of nowhere
“Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Santa Claus, poor, Elf
“Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?

Pimp: Fuck yo mama!

Clark: Thank you very much.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: asking directions, freeway, fuck yo mama
“Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?

Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.

Clark: Hey you can't prove that, Russ.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Murder, reasonable doubt
“I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: checks, Cash, Creep
“I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Theft, frog's fat ass
“Cousin Eddie: I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.

Clark Griswold: Thanks for the pick-me-up, Eddie.”
— Clark Griswold, Vegas Vacation
Tagged: beating, Monkey, banana, vacation movies
“Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Surprised
“Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard.

Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Christmas Tree
“Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.

Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: eat my dust, burn some rubber
“Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Holidays, Jack Daniels
“Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Luggage
“Rusty Griswold: Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?

Clark Griswold: That was Rome, not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's European Vacation
Tagged: when in rome, Rome, paris, Drunk, vacation movies
“Ellen Griswold: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

Clark Griswold: No, it isn't.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Guns, gun collectors
“Clark: We're from out of town.

Man Giving Directions: No shit.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Out of town, no shit, Painfully Obvious
“Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes...or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: vacation, ball of twine
“Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Ketchup, only the best
“[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio!

Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: patio, pouring rain, Morbid Humor
“Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Hell, things could be worse
“Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Merry Christmas, happy hanukkah, Kiss my ass
“Art: The little lights...they aren't twinkling.

Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Stating the Obvious
“Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Flying, Driving
“Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Santa Claus, New York City
“Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: CHristmas Gifts, no gift for you
“Clark: [Revealing his Christmas 'bonus'] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: bad gifts, jelly of the month
“Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!

Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark.

Clark: Okay Eddie...”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: christmas turkey
“Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Squirrels, Cholesterol
“Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark: When have I ever done that?

Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays...

Clark: Goodnight, Ellen.

Ellen: Vacations, graduations...”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: High Standards, parties, Weddings, anniversaries, funerals, Holidays, Vacations, graduations
“Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than Tuna Helper myself, don't you, Clark?

Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: tuna helper, hamburger helper, gourmet, Sarcasm
“Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the House of Mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.

Clark: It's living history, Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Dodge City, House of Mud
“Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.

Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.

Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!

Clark: Make that the second biggest.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Grand Canyon, jesus, Watch Your Language
“Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.

Clark: Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.

Clark: You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: shitting bricks, Shitting
“[Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree. [He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark] Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: family christmas tree, sap
“Don’t let your mother smell that beer on your breath.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoons Family Vacation
Tagged: Dad Advice, Movie Quotes
“[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswolds' yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Neighbors, Bend Over
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