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Clark Griswold Quotes

Total quotes: 32
“Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: christmas lights, house fire
“The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: lisp, Christmas Spirit
“Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Frigid
“Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat…and smack it with the hammer.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: bird, Hammer
“Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Surprised
“Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard.

Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Christmas Tree
“Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.

Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: eat my dust, burn some rubber
“Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Holidays, Jack Daniels
“Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Luggage
“Rusty Griswold: Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?

Clark Griswold: That was Rome, not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's European Vacation
Tagged: when in rome, Rome, paris, Drunk, vacation movies
“Ellen Griswold: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

Clark Griswold: No, it isn't.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Guns, gun collectors
“Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Flying, Driving
“Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Santa Claus, New York City
“Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: CHristmas Gifts, no gift for you
“Clark: [Revealing his Christmas 'bonus'] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: bad gifts, jelly of the month
“Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!

Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark.

Clark: Okay Eddie...”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: christmas turkey
“Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Squirrels, Cholesterol
“Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than Tuna Helper myself, don't you, Clark?

Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: tuna helper, hamburger helper, gourmet, Sarcasm
“Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the House of Mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.

Clark: It's living history, Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Dodge City, House of Mud
“Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.

Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.

Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!

Clark: Make that the second biggest.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Grand Canyon, jesus, Watch Your Language
“Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.

Clark: Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.

Clark: You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: shitting bricks, Shitting
“[Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree. [He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark] Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: family christmas tree, sap
“Don’t let your mother smell that beer on your breath.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoons Family Vacation
Tagged: Dad Advice, Movie Quotes
“[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswolds' yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Neighbors, Bend Over
“Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?

Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.

Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: light bulbs, homework
“Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?

Nora Griswold: Grace!

Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.

Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace. [Bethany shakes her head in confusion] The BLESSING!

Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Clark: Amen.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance
“Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

Clark: No, I have one of those at home.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Christmas, sleigh, Santa Claus
“Clark: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.

Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.

Clark: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...

Rusty Griswold: Sucks.

Clark: Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: Appreciate that, Clark.

Clark: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: jelly club, bad gifts, innocent
“Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin’ down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: metal plate, Piss, Brains
“Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Christmas, Bing Crosby, Assholes
“Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Tylenol, CHristmas Gifts, Dickless, Bug-Eyed, Rotten
“Uncle Lewis: [Clark is cleaning up the garbage off the kitchen floor after the dog went through it] Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogie.

Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: constructive, Annoying, stogie, cigar
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