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Billy Madison

18 quotes

All double dare (2)boobs (2)Threats (1)Conditioner (1)Ice Cubes (1)spelling bee (1)interruptions (1)calling in sick (1)you suck (1)Slut (1)Donkey Kong (1)big trouble (1)Mortal Kombat (1)boning (1)insane (1)

From “Billy Madison”

Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really. [Notices gold swan on edge of tub] Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swan.

Shampoo Conditioner

No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I’m here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the…

chlorophyll Making Out

Billy Madison: [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My Sister Fanny] OW! You’re tearing my ear off. [Sits down on chair] Veronica Vaughn: [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not…

psycho reading time interruptions howling

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

back to school

O’Doyle: [Throws the dodgeball at Billy as he walks on to the playground] Billy Madison: [Catches the ball one-handed] Now you’re all in big, BIG trouble.

dodgeball big trouble

Veronica Vaughn: So it’s um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do? Billy Madison: Well, I can think of three things I’d like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo... Veronica Vaughn: Really?…

Buffalo Ice Cubes

Billy Madison: I swear to God I’m sick. I can’t go to school. Juanita: If you’re gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits. Billy Madison: Oh my God. I’ll go to school.

School calling in sick

Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made ‘em extra sloppy for youse. I know how youse kids like ‘em sloppy. Billy Madison: Lady, you’re scaring us.

sloppy joes extra sloppy Scar

Billy Madison: Well, I made the duck blue because I’d never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one. Miss Lippy: Well, I think it’s an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade. Billy Madison: Wow, Miss Lippy, that’s great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue…

boobs double dare

Billy Madison: Hey, I’m trying to score points with the teacher today. DON’T SCREW IT UP. 3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs. Billy Madison: Touch her boobs? That’s assault, brotha. You double-dare me? Billy Madison: [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh, Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how…

boobs double dare

Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade? Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn’t. Brian Madison: Rock? ‘r-o-k’? Billy Madison: Yea, so what’s your point? Brian Madison: r-o-C-k! Billy Madison: Ohh! The ‘C’ is silent.

spelling bee

Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever. Billy Madison: I disagree, it’s a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever. Kid: Donkey Kong sucks. Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!

Mortal Kombat Sega Genesis Gaming Donkey Kong you suck

3rd Grader: How’s high school, Billy? Billy Madison: High school is great. I mean I’m learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It’s great. 3rd Grader: Gee, I can’t wait till I get to ‘hike’ school. Billy Madison: [grabs 3rd grader’s face and whispers] Don’t you say that. Don’t you…

high school Learning Threats

3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl. Billy Madison: Kid can’t even read. Ernie: Cut it out, dude, you’re gonna get us in trouble. Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

Stuttering bullying

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience, dude. If you know what I mean. Billy Madison: No, you don’t. Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. Wooo-eee! Billy Madison: No, they didn’t. Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn’t. But…

Slut Yelling

Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson? Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974? Frank: ‘74. Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.

Jack Nicholson Meg Ryan boning 1974

Principal: Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples. [Billy clears his throat several times] Billy Madison: Uh...OK. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called ‘The Puppy Who Lost His Way.’ The…

Idiotic insane rambling Incoherent

[to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything; he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a…

Little Boy dog Fucking pet

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