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Ben Schwartz Quotes

Total quotes (6)

Ben Schwartz

Ben Schwartz

Birthname

Birthday September 15, 1981

Birthplace The Bronx, New York, United States

Educated At Union College

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Television Actor, Film Actor, Screenwriter, Actor

Characters Portrayed

Total quotes (6)

Douglas, did someone sprinkle a little extra pussy in your cereal this morning?

— Clyde Oberholt (Ben Schwartz), House of Lies, Season 2: Til Death Do Us Part

Sassy Vagina Called Out cereal

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It’s like I always say. When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry, and go clubbing.

— Jean-Ralphio (Ben Schwartz), Parks and Recreation, Season 6: London, Part 1

Motto when life gives you lemons clubbing Stealing jewlery Grandma

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Imminent demise! Imminent demise!

— Clyde Oberholt (Ben Schwartz), House of Lies, Season 1: The Mayan Apocalypse

Imminent demise Failure Celebration Owning it

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You know, maybe to be safe you just shouldn't say anything at all.

— Clyde Oberholt (Ben Schwartz), House of Lies, Season 2: When Dinosaurs Ruled the Planet

Sassy Safe say anything talking

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Guys I'm straight on fire today.

— Clyde Oberholt (Ben Schwartz), House of Lies, Season 1: Utah

On fire Doing Well killing it

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They're masters of the fucking universe.

— Clyde Oberholt (Ben Schwartz), House of Lies, Season 1: Gods of Dangerous Financial Instruments

Masters Universe Rulers In Charge

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Related quotes to Ben Schwartz tagged Sassy, Failure, Talking

My husband told me he thinks my sexual orientation is 'being right' and I’ve never felt more seen.

— Jessica Valenti, via twitter.com

Being Right LOL humor Sassy True Quote of the Moment

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Jerry: Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash!

Rick: Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

— Rick Sanchez (voice) (Justin Roiland), Rick and Morty, Season 2: Total Rickall

Sassy Grandchildren Concessions Sacrifices unemployed

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I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you.

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: Salem, the Boy

Power Hungry rule Sassy Apology

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Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.

Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.

— Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie), House, Season 1: Occam's Razor

argument Specious Sassy Diss ugly Insult

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It's called 'Fortress of Solitude.' Not 'Fortress of Come on In.'

— Steve Smith (voice) (Scott Grimes), American Dad!, Season 10: Faking Bad

Fortress Sassy Alone annoyed

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This is not 'Bring Your Problems To Work Day', this is just 'Work Day.'

— Bob Kelso (Ken Jenkins), Scrubs, Season 2: My Monster

Work Work Problems Work Days Sassy

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Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.

Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

— Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie), House, Season 1: Occam's Razor

Smug sarcastic Attractive Quality Sassy Maintain hair

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Penny: Sheldon, you know, I do understand what you’re going through.

Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?

— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory, Season 3: The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

sympathy Understand Sassy Nobel Prize

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Totally rather get shot than look like a Sears model.

— Nate Heywood (Nick Zano), DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Season 3: Aruba-Con

shot Violence model Sears Sassy Snarky joke

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Dr. Allison Cameron: Men should grow up.

Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

— Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie), House, Season 1: Occam's Razor

Men Dogs habits Sassy sarcastic Grow Up

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Oh, yeah, because Niagara is where all the well-adjusted single men go to meet available women.

— Annie Walker (Piper Perabo), Covert Affairs, Season 1: Fool in the Rain

Niagara Falls well-adjusted single men Women meet dates Sassy

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What happened, Preacher? Jesus take your wheel?

— Tulip O'Hare (Ruth Negga), Preacher, Season 1: See

Sassy Jesus take the wheel jesus Preacher

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Hugo 'Hurley' Reyes: Did either of you see a bald guy in slippers with a coconut come through here?

Charlie Pace: No. But I did see a polar bear on roller skates with a mango.

— Charlie Pace (Dominic Monaghan), Lost, Season 2: Dave

Snark Sassy Sarcasm

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Roxie: Do you hear yourself when you speak?

Morgan: Depends on what I say.

— Morgan Cavanaugh (Elisa Donovan), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Sabrina's Date with Destiny

joke Ditzy dumb Sassy

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Phoebe Halliwell: Where are the keys?

Prue Halliwell: Keys?

Phoebe Halliwell: You know, shiny silver silver things that go jingle jingle.

— Phoebe Halliwell (Alyssa Milano), Charmed, Season 3: Once Upon a Time

Sassy Snark Where Are The Keys Sarcasm

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Ava’s the kind of girl that you take home to your parents, and I am the kind you take to an exorcism.

— Sara Lance / White Canary (Caity Lotz), DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Season 3: Daddy Darhkest

Girl Woman Parents Meet the Parents Exorcism joke Sassy Relationships

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Rick: Alright, Morty, I just gotta erhp combine it with some of your DNA.

Morty: Oh well, okay. [unzips]

Rick: A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't Game of Thrones.

— Rick Sanchez (voice) (Justin Roiland), Rick and Morty, Season 1: Rick Potion #9

DNA hair Game of Thrones Sassy

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Lois Griffin: Stewie, hold my hand.

Stewie Griffin: No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.

— Stewie Griffin (Seth MacFarlane), Family Guy, Season 11: Space Cadet

Snark I Hate You Mom Dying Sassy

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[Speaking to his family] Well you guys we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and the rest of the place applauding them.

— Peter Griffin (Seth MacFarlane), Family Guy, Season 11: Farmer Guy

Dysfunctional Families Sassy Going Out To Eat

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Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?

Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.

— Brian Griffin (Seth MacFarlane), Family Guy, Season 3: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Snark Dating Sucks Dating Modern Love Sassy

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Peter Griffin: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high?

Lois Griffin: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones.

— Lois Griffin (voice) (Alex Borstein), Family Guy, Season 4: Peter's Got Woods

Sassy high Munchies Parenting

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M’Lady: Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.

Salem: Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: A Halloween Story

Understanding Connection joke Rude Sassy

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Evan Lawson: What's my favorite sport, Hank?

Hank Lawson: Extreme social climbing?

— Hank Lawson (Mark Feuerstein), Royal Pains, Season 1: Pilot

Sport Favorite social climbing Extreme Sassy

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Father Thomas: There's nothing you can do. It will find us, and when it does we're all dead.

Piper: Well, you're just a ray of sunshine now, aren't ya?

— Piper Halliwell (Holly Marie Combs), Charmed, Season 3: Primrose Empath

Ray Of Sunshine Sarcasm Sassy We're All Dead

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Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

— Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That '70s Show, Season 1: Streaking

political Opinion Valid worth hearing Sassy sarcastic Miss America

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Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

— Seth Cohen (Adam Brody), The O.C., Season 1: The Debut

Insecurity Welcome Self-Doubt Paralyzing joke Snarky Sassy

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Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?

Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.

— Deandra Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: The Gang Gets Racist

gay Musical Theatre actor Secret Sassy

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J.D.: Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!

Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

— John 'J.D.' Dorian (Zach Braff), Scrubs, Season 1: My Own Personal Jesus

Banana Hammock tension Under Pressure Sassy awkward

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Malory: ...and then, give me the file I asked for!

Ray: Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?

— Ray Gillette (voice), Archer, Season 4: The Papal Chase

Broom ass Sweep multitask demands Sassy

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Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.

— Sterling Archer (voice) (H. Jon Benjamin), Archer, Vice: Southbound and Down

Porn Different Types Of Porn Women Sex Internet Self-Loathing Sock masturbation Sassy

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Lana: What's in Miami?

Malory: Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?

— Malory Archer (voice) (Jessica Walter), Archer, Vice: A Kiss While Dying

Mosquitoes Cubans Miami Sassy

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Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.

Stewie Griffin: Brian, I'm one.

Brian Griffin: Still?

— Brian Griffin (Seth MacFarlane), Family Guy, Season 5: Road to Rupert

Sassy Snark Teddy Bears

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Quinn: Is this gonna take long? I'm suppose to be somewhere.

Daria: Oh, is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall?

— Daria Morgendorffer (voice) (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria, Season 1: The Big House

Sassy Tight Pants mall

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Mr. O'Neill: So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of the poster, I just want to make it more palatable. You know what they say: 'A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.'

Jane: Not if you're diabetic.

— Jane Lane (voice) (Wendy Hoopes), Daria, Season 2: Arts 'n' Crass

Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down Diabetes Sassy

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Helen: Oh my, where is everyone?

Daria: Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel and Quinn's in her room crying.

Helen: Why? What happened?

Daria: Male bonding, I guess.

— Daria Morgendorffer (voice) (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria, Season 5: One J at a Time

Crying Male Bonding Sassy

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Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.

— Shawn Spencer (James Roday), Psych, Season 1: Spellingg Bee

Childrearing therapy Parenthood Sassy

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Trust me, you're banging 8 strangers who responded to a flyer. At some point you're going to look out a window and question every decision you've ever made.

— Glenn Quagmire (Seth MacFarlane), Family Guy, Season 11: 12 and a Half Angry Men

Sex Orgies Sassy

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Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on ''The Price is Right''.

— Brian Griffin (Seth MacFarlane), Family Guy, Season 10: Stewie Goes for a Drive

Sassy SASS Bad Luck

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Shawn: I'm just saying, technology is way overrated.

Gus: That's interesting-- just yesterday you told me you intend on having your wedding in space.

— Burton 'Gus' Guster (Dule Hill), Psych, Season 4: High Noon-ish

Technology Overrated wedding In space Sassy

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Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends: Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

— Michael (Ted Danson), The Good Place, Season 2: The Burrito

Basic Insult devastating joke Sassy

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Libby: What’s your problem, Freak? Hoping Santa will give you a personality this year?

Sabrina: And a crossbow!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Sabrina Claus

Insult bullying Sassy Comeback santa Christmas Holidays Violence

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Sgt. Slater: Spellman, Spellman... Why is that name so familiar? Hilda Spellman... Hilda Thorn-In-My-Side Spellman! Don't tell me you're related to Hilda Spellman?

Sabrina: ...Okay!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Sabrina Gets Her License (2)

Lie joke Family Sassy

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I’d rather die than speak German.

— Mick Rory / Heat Wave (Dominic Purcell), DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Season 2: Out of Time

Language German Die dramatic Snarky Sassy joke

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Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one!

— Niles Crane (David Hyde Pierce), Frasier, Season 5: Desperately Seeking Closure

Heartbroken Sassy Women possibly Love Country Music

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[rolls dice at craps table] All right, come on now, baby needs a new pair of shoes, and by baby I do mean me.

— Paige Matthews (Rose McGowan), Charmed, Season 5: Lucky

Gambling Baby Needs A New Pair Of Shoes Sassy

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Evil Mick. I guess that’s just regular Mick, but still.

— Sara Lance / White Canary (Caity Lotz), DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Season 2: Land of the Lost

Evil Regular Insult Rude Sassy Snarky joke

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Evan Lawson: Wait, I'm not done talking.

Hank Lawson: I know. That's why I'm going.

— Hank Lawson (Mark Feuerstein), Royal Pains, Season 1: Strategic Planning

Sassy Walking Away talking Rude chatter

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Sandy: The minute you were born, I knew that I would never take another easy breath again without knowing that you were safe.

Seth: So, I'm like asthma?

— Sandy Cohen (Peter Gallagher), The O.C., Season 1: The Model Home

born father Son Breath Safety parental love Asthma Sassy joke

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Dee: I am not a failure!

Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?

Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

— Mac (Rob McElhenney), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

Failure Fail Sassy Diss

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Why are we talking and not kissing?

— Bay Kennish (Vanessa Marano), Switched at Birth, Season 1: Dogs Playing Poker

talking Kissing Sassy Relationships

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Niles: Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?

Frasier: At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.

— Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer), Frasier, Season 2: The Candidate

Certainty Vast Universe intelligent life planets Sassy kitchen

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