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Adam Reed Quotes

Total quotes: 41
“Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, at the hour of my death... which I hope is soon. Amen.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Swiss Miss
Tagged: Drinking, Hungover
“That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Pipeline Fever
Tagged: Dinner, Laid, Sex, Worse, moment, Ruined the moment, Comparing
“Xander Crews: [Being tortured] What do you want?

Xtacle: We want a living wage!

Xtacle: Yeah, and health insurance!

Xtacle: Yeah, and some flex hours, bitch!”
— Xander Crews (voice), Frisky Dingo, Season 1: Emergency Room
“Pam: So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?

Cheryl: Dick Sledge.”
— Cheryl Tunt (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Movie Star
Tagged: Operation, Codename, dick, name
“Cyril: Krieger's father was a Nazi scientist!

Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.

Cyril: That's like comparing apples to... Nazi oranges!”
— Cyril Figgis (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Placebo Effect
Tagged: father, Nazi, Scientist, Apples to Oranges, Bootlegger
“Archer: We look totally gay!

Ray: I am gay.

Archer: Well, I'm not!

Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?”
— Ray Gillette (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: El Secuestro
Tagged: gay, Turtleneck, Sassy
“Anka: I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.

Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Swiss Miss
Tagged: Germany, Consent, Sex, Alabama
“Malory: ...and then, give me the file I asked for!

Ray: Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?”
— Ray Gillette (voice), Archer, Season 4: The Papal Chase
Tagged: Broom, ass, Sweep, multitask, demands, Sassy
“Lana: What's in Miami?

Malory: Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?”
— Malory Archer (voice), Archer, Vice: A Kiss While Dying
Tagged: Mosquitoes, Cubans, Miami, Sassy
“Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer: Uh hello! Herpes?!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Training Day
Tagged: Secret, Herpes, Not The First Time
“Malory: What are you, deaf and racist?

Lana: I'm black!

Malory: Oh, put it back in the deck.”
— Malory Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Diversity Hire
Tagged: Deaf, racist, Black, Sassy
“Cyril: What do crocodiles eat?

Archer: EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Vice: The Rules of Extraction
Tagged: Crocodiles, food, Fear
“Poovey: I can never unsee him naked.

Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.

Poovey: Haul that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Dreamland: Ladyfingers
Tagged: Naked, penis, Huge, Umbrella Stand
“ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!”
— Malory Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Mole Hunt
Tagged: ISIS, Travel Agency, Whore, Diss, Island, Sassy
“I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see its potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The... Tactleneck!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: The Rock
Tagged: Turtleneck, Potential, Garment, Tactical, invention
“Trinette: Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?

Dr. Krieger: Breast milk.”
— Dr Krieger (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Blood Test
Tagged: Breast Milk, Salad Dressing, Ew, food
“Pam: Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my mouth's killin' me!

Cheryl: You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Tragical History
Tagged: Pool Balls, hurt, Pain, Pounding, Headache, sweating, Alcohol, Hungover
“Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge!

Mobster: Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.

Archer: Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Placebo Effect
Tagged: douchebag, Vincent Van Gogh, Diss, Sassy
“Ray: Oh God, it tastes worse than it smells!

Pam: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... I'd have eight nickels!”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 3: El Contador
Tagged: taste, Smells, Gross, If I had a nickle, Guy, Oral Sex
“So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I'm gradually goin' to get more tired, but also gradually more berserk”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Dreamland: Jane Doe
Tagged: Ass Beat, Tired, Berserk, Beat Up
“Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy? Man, if I was you, I'd be in this spa 25/8.”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 4: Fugue and Riffs
Tagged: Bulge, Towel Boy, 24/7, Longer than 24/7, spa, Relaxation
“Pam: This is Rodney, he's the new... whatever... gun librarian.

Rodney: Armory supervisor!”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 4: The Wind Cries Mary
Tagged: Guns, Army Supervisor, Gun Librarian, Keeper of Guns, New
“Archer: Thank you... What was your name again?

Rodney: Rodney.

Archer: Thank you. Asshole.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 4: Legs
Tagged: Rude, asshole, Sassy
“Malory: Alright! I'll think about it.

Pam: Is that a real 'you'll think about it,' or a 'Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap,' 'you'll think about it?'”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 4: The Papal Chase
Tagged: Thinking About it, real, Let Down, Maybe, Undecided
“Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Vice: Southbound and Down
Tagged: Porn, Different Types Of Porn, Women, Sex, Internet, Self-Loathing, Sock, masturbation, Sassy
“Cyril: As the Lord our God Himself is my witness, upon the conclusion of my current business, I shall return to this place, and visit upon you an apocalypse of such terror and destruction that you will rue, RUE, the very fact of your miserable birth!!

Coroner: [munches on hot dog] I'll be here!”
— Cyril Figgis (voice), Archer, Dreamland: Sleepers Wake
Tagged: Threat, mean, Terror, Destruction, Indifference
“Get your bloated carcass in here!”
— Malory Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Double Trouble
Tagged: mean, bloated, Carcass, Diss, Command
“No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 3: Crossing Over
Tagged: Hungover, Death, Awful, Alcohol
“Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 4: Fugue and Riffs
Tagged: Sour Mix, Margarita, Wrong Mix, Gross, Torture, Wrong
“My cooch has cobwebs!”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 4: Viscous Coupling
Tagged: Cooch, Unused, Cobwebs
“Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 6: Vision Quest
Tagged: Cashmere, Rules, fabric
“Archer: [After being distracted by Lana in her underwear] Right, because you walked into Strippers Discount Warehouse and said, 'Help me showcase my intellect'!

Lana: Strippers Discount? Hel-LO! These-are-Fiacchi!

Archer: I think it's pronounced, 'Knock-off!'”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Skorpio
Tagged: stripper, Knock-off, Intellect, Underwear, Showcase
“Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from?!”
— Cheryl Tunt (voice), Archer, Season 4: Coyote Lovely
Tagged: milk, Mexican, cereal, Questions, worry
“Don't take this the wrong way but, did your dick get BIGGER?”
— Lana Kane (voice), Archer, Season 6: Reignition Sequence
Tagged: dick, Growth, size, Bigger
“Hey, Europe: be gayer.”
— Cyril Figgis (voice), Archer, Season 1: Killing Utne
Tagged: Europe, gay, style
“ I can't wait! I need a man now, with monster hands.”
— Cheryl Tunt (voice), Archer, Season 1: Dial M for Mother
Tagged: Man, Masculinity, monster, hands, Big Hands, Strong
“Eat some more pills, pill head.”
— Mardock (voice), Sealab 2021, Season 2: Stimutacs
Tagged: Overly Medicated
“Lana: That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.

Archer: Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood! ...I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family... But, you know... go ahead and start.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 3: El Contador
Tagged: Sex, Death, Tiger, Murder, masturbate, Heart Is not in it
“Malory: And what the hell are you wearing?

Archer: I think, technically, it's a... loincloth?
Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie.
[Malory lifts a finger to say something, then lets out a sigh]
Well, sorry, Mother. I didn't know I was going to a funeral.
I would've worn a black one.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 7: Deadly Velvet
Tagged: Loincloth, Nightie, funeral, Black
“Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??


Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.



Cheryl: Watermelon's red?


Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?



Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?”
— Cheryl Tunt, Archer, Season 6: The Archer Sanction
Tagged: Charles Frederick Andress, Botanist, Charleston Gray Watermelon
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