17 Hilarious Louis CK Quotes About Modern Life That Will Actually Make You Think

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17 Hilarious Louis CK Quotes About Modern Life That Will Actually Make You Think

I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a shitty body.

Katie MatherSeptember 7, 2016

As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like ‘awesome’ and ‘wonderful’ like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word ‘amazing’ to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted ‘amazing’ on a fucking sandwich.

— Louis CK, 18 Times Louis CK Was Right About Modern Life

humanity Words Language Amazing wonderful

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I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I’m like, ‘I never would have hung out with you. I didn’t choose you.' Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They’re the same size. They don’t care who they make me hang out with.

— Louis CK, The Collected Wisdom of Louis C.K.

Child Childhood Parenting Parenthood Friends

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People say, ‘My phone sucks.’ No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

— Louis CK, 10 Louis CK quotes that are genius

Technology Cell Phones Texting phones

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I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

— Louis CK, Louis CK Quotes

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You’ve got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That’s what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, ‘Hey, maybe something nice will happen.’ Why the fuck would anything nice happen?

— Louis CK, Louis CK on Optimism

Optimism Stupid Single Life

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When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

— Louis CK, Louie

Heartbreak Pain

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I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.

— Louis CK, What is This? A Collection of My Thoughts

Bored Life love life

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When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, ‘Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.’ And you look at your spouse and go, ‘Who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger.

— Louis C.K, Shameless

kids Marriage Children Family Love

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God is like a shitty girlfriend.

— Louis C.K., Louie

Religion humor comedy God

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You’ve got to embrace discomfort. It’s the only way you can put yourself in situations where you can learn, and the only way you can keep your senses fresh once you’re there.

— Louis CK, Louis C.K.'s GQ Cover Story - May 2014

Don't Give Up Discomfort Comfortable In Uncomfortable Situations learn Growth

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Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you’re all gonna die and then you’re gonna be dead for way longer than you’re alive. Like that’s mostly what you’re ever gonna be. You’re just dead people that didn’t die yet.

— Louis CK, Hilarious

Death Life Living

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‘Fuck it.’ That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not ‘We love each other!’ It’s ‘Fuck it.’

— Louis CK, One Night Stand

Family Together Fuck It

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Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to shut the fuck up. First of all, if you’re single, your life has no consequence on the earth. Even if you’re helping people aggressively, which you’re fucking not, nobody gives a shit what happens to you. You can die, and it actually doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. Your mother will cry or whatever, but otherwise, nobody gives a shit.

— Louis CK, Shameless

Dating Being Single

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It doesn’t have any effect on your life. What do you care?! People try to talk about it like it’s a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, ‘How am I supposed to explain to my children that two men are getting married?" …I dunno. It’s your shitty kid. You fuckin’ tell ‘em. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love and they can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin’ minutes?

— Louis CK, 17 Surprisingly Profound Quotes From Stand-up Comedians.

Gay Marriage Family Relationship

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Young guys, they’re afraid of women. They’re afraid of their feelings. ‘My girlfriend’s mad at me!’ Well, later she won’t be, fucking calm down. They’re afraid of their bodies, they’re afraid of women’s bodies. ‘My girlfriend’s having her period, what do I do?’ Fuck her in the period hole, you idiot, what’s the dilemma? I don’t give a shit, if you’re having your period, come on over. I’m 41, I’ll fuck the shit out of you, I’ll drink the blood, let’s party.

— Louis CK, 55 Brilliant Louis C.K. Quotes That Will Make You Laugh And Think

Sex Dating Young Couples Bodies Women Guys

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Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

— Louis CK, Louis C.K. on the Importance of Acting Like an Asshole

difficult Life Laughing humor

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Everything is amazing right now, and nobody's happy. ... Now, we live in an amazing, amazing world, and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of just spoiled idiots that don't care.

This is what people are like now: they've got their phones and they're like 'ugh, it won't--' GIVE IT A SECOND! It's going to SPACE! Can you give it a second to get back from space?? Is the speed of light too slow for you?!

I was on an airplane and there was high speed internet. That's the newest thing I know that exists. And I'm sitting there and they go 'open up your laptops you can go on the internet,' and it's fast, and I'm watching YouTube clips, I'm in an airplane! And then it breaks down, and they apologize that the internet's not working, and the guy next to me goes 'ugh, this is bullshit.' Like how quickly the world owes him something he knew existed only like 10 seconds ago!

Flying is the worst one because people come back from flights and they're telling you their story, and it's like a horror story. They act like their flight was a cattle car in the 40s in Germany. They're like, 'it was the worst day of my life! First of all, we didn't board for like 20 minutes and then they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes! We had to sit there!' Oh really? What happened next? Did you FLY in the AIR incredibly like a BIRD? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight, you non-contributing zero?! ... You're sitting in a chair in the SKY! Here's the thing: people say there's delays. Delays? Really? New York to California in 5 hours. That used to take 30 years! And a bunch of you would die on the way there, and have babies... you'd be a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now, you watch a movie, you take a dump, and you're home!

— Louis CK, Louis C K Generation of Spoiled Idiots

generation Millennnial Technology Youth Younger

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