Aziz Ansari

39 Hilarious Aziz Ansari Quotes About Modern Romance That Will Actually Make You Think

Love advice from your favorite funny guy
Jane Drinkard
June 16, 2016
“I see people my age…getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the REST of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like ‘What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“You can’t call anybody anymore. If you call someone, they be like: ‘What? Are you on fire? Then quit wasting my time, text me that shit.’”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“When you hear a Flo Rida song at first you’re like, ‘What is this, Flo Rida? It’s the same thing you’ve always done. I’m not listening to this song.’ And then you keep hearing it and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, Flo Rida. You’ve done it again! This is a hit, baby!’ And that’s what people are like. People are like a Flo Rida song. You need to hear them a couple of times before you really get what they’re about.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“I once met someone who found his wife by using Match.com and searching— and this is a direct quote— ‘Jewish and my zip code.’…that’s how I would go about finding a Wendy’s.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There’s candles in the car. You go ‘Is that dangerous?’ and I go, ‘Yes… but I like danger.’ We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You go, ‘Aziz, your car’s on fire. Aren’t you upset?’ I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, ‘No. I knew this was gonna happen.’ And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“One girl raved about a nice voice mail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.’ THAT WAS IT.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone’s window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps ‘All My Life’ by K-Ci & JoJo?”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“I love you, but today, part of me feels like I’m buying a Honda Accord.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“If someone lies and says they are dating someone or they are moving to another town soon, you don’t feel rejected, because it’s no longer about you… So I guess what I’m saying is the next time someone asks you out and you aren’t interested, the nicest thing you can do is write back: ‘Sorry, can’t do dinner tomorrow. I’m leaving on a secret mission with the space program! When I return to earth, I will have barely aged at all, but you’ll be seventy-eight years old. I just don’t think it’s a good time for me.’”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“You know how we’ve been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together? I wanna keep doing that 'til you’re dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Sometimes there’s another reason that people take so long to text you back: They aren’t playing mind games or busy. They’re just GOOGLING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Japan has not only a huge sex industry but also what some have dubbed a ‘relationship replacement’ industry that provides everything from ‘cuddling cafes’ (where clients pay for things like pats on the head, eye contact, and ear cleaning with a Q-tip) to full-on sex robots that are built to last for years. I never thought I would say this, but of those two things, having sex with a robot seems like the more reasonable option.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t image those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“As a public figure, I have never considered doing any online dating. I always figured there was a chance someone who was a stalker type would use it as an opportunity to kidnap and murder me… Maybe my stalker (probably an Indian dude) sees my profile and thinks, Oh, here’s that comedian guy on OkCupid. FINALLY, I have a way to reach out to him and slowly plot his murder. He sends me a message pretending to be a woman. I see the profile. ‘She’ likes tacos and Game of Thrones. I’m very excited.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“When we do marry, we are marrying for love. We are finding our soul mates. And the tools we have to find our soul mates are incredible. We aren’t limited to just the bing-bongs who live in our building. We have online dating that gives us access to millions and millions of bing-bongs around the world. ”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
““Beyond flakiness, as far as dating goes, I’ve observed many men who, while hopefully decent human beings in person, become sexually aggressive ‘douche monsters’ when hiding behind the texts on their phone. The messages being sent are inarguably inappropriate and often quite offensive, but, again, over text the consequences of the recipient’s being offended are minimal. You don’t see their face. You don’t hear their voice. And they aren’t there in person to look horrified or throw a heavy object at your dumb head.””
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Why do we all say we prefer honesty but rarely give that courtesy to others? Maybe in our hearts we all want to give others honesty, but in practice it’s just too damn hard. Honesty is confrontational. Crafting the ‘honest’ message takes a lot of time and thought. And no matter how delicately you do it, it feels cold and mean to reject someone. It’s just easier on many levels to say nothing or pretend to be busy until people get the picture.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“The smaller the pool of potential romantic partners, the lower the odds of finding romance face-to-face, whether through friends, in schools, or in public places. Sure, there are booming gay neighborhoods in some cities, but the people who live and hang out there see a lot of one another. After a while those who are single have moved through their options and they’re looking for something new. That’s one reason why today meeting in bars or in the neighborhood is far less common among LGBT couples than it used to be, and why nearly 70 percent of LGBT couples meet online. (BLT couples— bacon, lettuce, and tomato couples— are inanimate objects and are not engaging in romantic pursuits.)”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Even a guy at the highest end of attractiveness barely receives the number of messages almost all women get. But that doesn’t mean that men end up in the online equivalent of standing alone in the corner of the bar. Online there are no lonely corners. Everywhere is filled with people looking to connect.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Online dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have. In fact, most of us have no clue what we’re doing. One reason is that people don’t always know what they’re looking for in a soul mate, unlike when they’re picking something easier, like laundry detergent (big ups to Tide Mountain Spring— who doesn’t want their clothes to smell like a fresh mountain spring?!). While we may think we know what we want, we’re often wrong.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Walking into a bar or party, a lot of times all you have to go by is people’s faces, and that’s what you use to decide if you are going to gather up the courage to talk to them. Isn’t the swipe app just a HUGE party full of faces that we can swipe right to go talk to? In the case of the girl I’m currently dating, I initially saw her face somewhere and approached her. I didn’t have an in-depth profile to peruse or a fancy algorithm. I just had her face, and we started talking and it worked out. Is that experience so different from swiping on Tinder?”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Needless to say, the singles scene in Qatar is not quite like what we observed anywhere else in the world. Those from religious and traditional families are literally prohibited from casual dating. Flirting in public places gets a young person in serious trouble, and it’s especially dangerous for young women, who are expected to be chaste until marriage and risk bringing terrible shame to themselves and their parents if they are caught courting a man. One online guide warns: ‘No public displays of affection: Kissing, hugging, and some places even holding hands . . . The result is jail time.’ 17 That’s a pretty grim prison story. ‘Hey, man, what are you in for?’ ‘Doing five years for holding hands in the park.’ ‘You?’ ‘Doing life . . . for smooches.'”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“At certain times, though, this ‘I need the best’ mentality can be debilitating. I wish I could just eat somewhere that looks good and be happy with my choice. But I can’t. The problem is that I know somewhere there is a perfect meal for me and I have to do however much research I can to find it. That’s the thing about the Internet: It doesn’t simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing and, if we search hard enough, we can find it. And in turn there are a whole bunch of inferior things that we’d be foolish to choose.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“M, a brand marketer, sent her boyfriend a picture of her breasts to help him cope with a case of nerves before a presentation at work. This is my favorite. I just love the idea of the guy opening up his phone, seeing the boobs, and thinking, ‘Ahhhh. Okay, you got this, Phil! Let’s nail this PowerPoint presentation.'”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“If I ever was texting frequently with someone and wanted to make an alias, I think I’d go with ‘Scottie Pippen.’ Then any friends who were peeking at my screen could be left wondering why I was texting with the former Chicago Bulls star on the reg. I only hope Scottie Pippen’s wife never has an affair where she uses the same strategy and the guy texts while Scottie is in the room and he can see her screen. Scottie Pippen would likely believe it was an impostor Scottie Pippen from another dimension, sent to steal his wife and kill him. The psychological damage inflicted on poor Scottie Pippen would be far worse than discovering a simple affair.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“At one point I was the hopeful romantic who would stay out till 4: 00 A.M. every morning, worried that if I went home, I’d miss that magical, amazing woman who showed up at the bar at 3: 35 A.M. After many late nights and brutal mornings, though, I realized that most amazing, magical women don’t walk into a bar at 3: 35 A.M. They’re usually in bed by that hour.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“As I hit thirty, I started to despise the bar scene. I had experienced every single version of those nights. I knew all the possible outcomes, and I knew the probabilities of those outcomes. When you hit that point, you realize how fruitless trying to find love by barhopping can be; you have enough data to know that statistically the smartest thing for you to do when you walk into a bar is go to the bathroom, jerk off, and leave.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“At a certain point the cost of the work needed to maintain a fun single lifestyle outweighs the benefits. The nights when you have amazing casual sex start getting outweighed by the times you wander home alone wasted and wake up hungover with a half-eaten burrito sitting on your chest.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance