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National Lampoon's Vacation Quotes

“Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.

Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.

Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.”
— Cousin Vicki, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Going Steady, French Kissing, Incest
“I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.”
— Cousin Eddie, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Disability, laid off, plate in the head
“Audrey Griswold: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?

Ellen Griswold: Find a bush Audrey!
: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?

Ellen Griswold: Find a bush, Audrey!”
— Ellen Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Public Urination, bathrooms
“Ellen Griswold: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.

Audrey Griswold: Let's not overdo it, mom.

Ellen Griswold: Shut up.”
— Ellen Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Love, Eulogies, overdoing it, Sarcasm
“Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?

Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father...may be going away for a little while.”
— Ellen Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Guns, trouble
“[after driving off the road]
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.

Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.

Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.”
— Ellen Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Car Crash, broken nose, period
“I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Theft, frog's fat ass
“[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio!

Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: patio, pouring rain, Morbid Humor
“Ellen Griswold: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

Clark Griswold: No, it isn't.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Guns, gun collectors
“I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: checks, Cash, Creep
“Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Flying, Driving
“Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?

Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.

Clark: Hey you can't prove that, Russ.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Murder, reasonable doubt
“Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Ketchup, only the best
“Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes...or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: vacation, ball of twine
“Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.

Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.

Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!

Clark: Make that the second biggest.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Grand Canyon, jesus, Watch Your Language
“Clark: We're from out of town.

Man Giving Directions: No shit.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Out of town, no shit, Painfully Obvious
“Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the House of Mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.

Clark: It's living history, Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Dodge City, House of Mud
“Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than Tuna Helper myself, don't you, Clark?

Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: tuna helper, hamburger helper, gourmet, Sarcasm
“Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?

Pimp: Fuck yo mama!

Clark: Thank you very much.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: asking directions, freeway, fuck yo mama
“Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!

Rusty Griswold: [Grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin?

Clark: Don't touch!”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation
Tagged: Assholes, holy shit, forced fun, vacation
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