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  3. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes

“Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Santa Claus, poor, Elf
“Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat…and smack it with the hammer.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: bird, Hammer
“Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from] Edward, what's wrong with the dog?

Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. [Grotesque barfing noises] He's got it up! [Winks at Clark that everything's okay]

Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?

Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash. [Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: dog, Choking, Trash
“Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark: When have I ever done that?

Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays...

Clark: Goodnight, Ellen.

Ellen: Vacations, graduations...”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: High Standards, parties, Weddings, anniversaries, funerals, Holidays, Vacations, graduations
“Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Squirrels, Cholesterol
“Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Luggage
“Clark: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.

Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.

Clark: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...

Rusty Griswold: Sucks.

Clark: Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: Appreciate that, Clark.

Clark: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: jelly club, bad gifts, innocent
“Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Holidays, Jack Daniels
“Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Frigid
“Clark: Oh, I was just smelling—smiling. I was just blouse—browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they—HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary: You have your coat on.

Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Double Entendres, Hooters, nipply
“Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!

Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark.

Clark: Okay Eddie...”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: christmas turkey
“[Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree. [He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark] Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: family christmas tree, sap
“Art: The little lights...they aren't twinkling.

Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Stating the Obvious
“Uncle Lewis: [Clark is cleaning up the garbage off the kitchen floor after the dog went through it] Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogie.

Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: constructive, Annoying, stogie, cigar
“The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: lisp, Christmas Spirit
“Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

Clark: No, I have one of those at home.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Christmas, sleigh, Santa Claus
“Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.

Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: eat my dust, burn some rubber
“Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard.

Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Christmas Tree
“Clark: [Revealing his Christmas 'bonus'] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: bad gifts, jelly of the month
“Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: eggnog, middle of nowhere
“Clark: So, when did you get the tenement on wheels?

Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?

Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway. [Raises glass to his mouth]

Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month. [Clark nearly chokes on his drink]”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: RV, Tenement, Overstaying Your Welcome
“Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: CHristmas Gifts, no gift for you
“Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Merry Christmas, happy hanukkah, Kiss my ass
“Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?

Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.

Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: light bulbs, homework
“Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: christmas lights, house fire
“Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Hell, things could be worse
“Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.

Clark: Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.

Clark: You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: shitting bricks, Shitting
“Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?

Nora Griswold: Grace!

Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.

Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace. [Bethany shakes her head in confusion] The BLESSING!

Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Clark: Amen.”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance
“Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: Santa Claus, New York City
“Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin’ down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?”
— Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Tagged: metal plate, Piss, Brains
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