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Mike Barker Quotes

Total quotes: 40
“I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Love Thy Trophy
Tagged: humor, Funny, Smart Ideas, Genius
“Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?

Stan: Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: Bullocks to Stan
Tagged: folding napkins, CIA, Carnival, Wipe Your Mouth, Swans, fancy
“Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired, then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 1: Homeland Insecurity
Tagged: Gun Point, John Woo, shot, Guns, Sex
“Steve: Dad! There you are!

Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.”
— Steve Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: A Smith in the Hand
Tagged: Alone, Touching Myself, Perverts, Democrats, masturbation
“Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Failure is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Tagged: Gropefest, Awkwardness, Homosexual
“Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: An Apocalypse to Remember
Tagged: Denzel Washington, Harrison Ford, chocolate
“Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?

Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Of Ice and Men
Tagged: Skate, planet, MySpace, Read, Lies
“Hayley: What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here.

Stan: People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: American Dream Factory
Tagged: Land of the free, Parasites, America, Blood, oil
“Steve: You mean Jenga?

Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Black Mystery Month
Tagged: Jenga, spanish, Language, Pronounced
“Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: An Apocalypse to Remember
Tagged: Liar, Harry Potter, Favorite, writer, Story
“All I have to do is get married by next week and I can get my blender in time for Grey's Anatomy!”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: An Apocalypse to Remember
Tagged: married, Deadline, Blender, Grey's Anatomy
“[to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 1: A Hero Sits Next Door
Tagged: Snark, Taking Over The World, Hating Your Parents, I Hate You Dad
“What's that? Oh yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Love Thy Trophy
Tagged: Funny, Drugs, Crack
“I had such a crush on her... until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Let's Go to the Hop
Tagged: Relationships, having a crush on someone, crushes, Marriage
“Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 6: My Morning Straitjacket
Tagged: Spoiler Alert, Sweet Potatoes, suck, Gross
“Lois Griffin: I'm so bored without Stewie around, I don't know what to do.

Brian Griffin: We could get hammered.”
— Brian Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Dammit Janet!
Tagged: Bored, Motherhood, Getting Drunk
“ Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Irregarding Steve
Tagged: Hollywood, Stock Exchange, celebrity, Socks, Careers
“Steve Smith: All periods will now be called Steves.

Girl: May I be excused? I'm having my Steve.”
— Steve Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: period, Menstrual Cycle, Name Change
“Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?

Stan: That's right. Or angels will kill you.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: A Smith in the Hand
Tagged: Sex, Sex Before Marriage, Angels, Death, Sin
“A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.”
— Mitch, American Dad!, Season 2: It's Good to be the Queen
Tagged: Car, Pizza, dough, Life
“ Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.”
— Barry Robinson (Vocie), American Dad!, Season 2: With Friends Like Steve's
Tagged: breakfast, Orange Juice, jesus, Church
“Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?

Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Wasted Talent
Tagged: Drunk, Drinking Too Much, humor
“So this is a refugee camp? I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand - it's like Arizona. But here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: Camp Refoogee
Tagged: Refugee, Sun, Sand, Arizona, Martin Luther King Day
“Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!

Hayley: There's no detention in college.

Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Iced, Iced Babies
Tagged: detention, College, Gryffindor, punishment, Harry Potter
“Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: Bush Comes to Dinner
Tagged: Lies, Life, lying, Living a Lie, Puns
“None of us get to choose our fathers, but we do get to choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: Joint Custody
Tagged: Fathers, Father Figure, mother, Choice
“Oh jeez. This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Wasted Talent
Tagged: Snark, Hungover, Drinking Too Much
“I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Peter Griffin
Tagged: Hurt Feelings, Need An Apology, Sorry
“Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....

Jeff: Her Sno-Balls?

Stan: You bastard!”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 1: Stan Knows Best
Tagged: Playing Dumb, Stripping, Bastard
“Hayley: What do you want, Jeff?

Jeff: I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.

Hayley: No.

Jeff: Okay. Bye.”
— Hayley Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: Bullocks to Stan
Tagged: Refusal, Woman, Demand, bye, Rejection
“Ahh, basil and snail poison; the sweet smell of summer.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: Camp Refoogee
Tagged: Gardening, Basil, snail poison, Summer, Smells Like Summer
“Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Peter Griffin
Tagged: Inappropriate
“Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them.”
— Steve Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: Roger 'n Me
Tagged: Mistrust, seeds, Sprouting, harvest, Metaphor
“Waitress: Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. 

Stan: Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: Helping Handis
Tagged: Courtesy, Wave, eager, Bread, Jag, Thanks
“Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.

Stan: You made all this in one day?

Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.”
— Francine Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: American Dream Factory
Tagged: Money, Cash, Jerk, Unsupportive, Hard Work, Incorrect Change, Cheat
“ Let's try that on the fart setting.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 5: Phantom of the Telethon
Tagged: Fart, setting, Different Settings
“Stan: It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.

Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! I have boobs!

Stan: Oh, my God!

Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.”
— Klaus (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: Helping Handis
Tagged: Roid rage, Breast, Side effect, Butterface
“Ah, Saturday. Sunday's Friday.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: Of Ice and Men
Tagged: Weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
“Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.”
— Francine Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 4: The Vacation Goo
Tagged: Bonds, Family, dark, horrible, Secret
“I'd like to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: From Method to Madness
Tagged: Snark, Pissed, You're A Bitch
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