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Matt Stone Quotes

Total quotes: 112
“Chef: [talking to Cartman, who's dressed like a Klansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: KKK, Threats
“Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass, too!

Cartman: That's right! [realizes he's been insulted] AY!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: insults, Fat-Shaming
“Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.

[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Tagged: Poor People, Smells
“How-dy-ho!”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 1: Damien
“Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Stan: Ah, sick!

Cartman: Fluffy!

Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: Reproduction, Mother Nature, Pig, White Women
“Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: invitations, rectal insertion
“So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus, Resurrection, erection
“Stan: Dude, are you okay?

Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 5: Cartmanland
Tagged: Hemorrhoid, hospital, Pain, Sarcasm
“Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's going to kick your ass, just tell her 'Shelley, you're my sister and I love you.'

Kenny [muffled]: And I want to see you handling your breasts.

Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: Family Love, kick your ass, I Love You, breasts, Harassment
“Damien: Everybody hates me.

Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?

Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil.

Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?

Damien: Because I...burn and kill them?”
— Damien Thorn, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: devil, Hate, burn, Kill
“Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbarady!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, garbage, Reading
“Mr. Garrison: Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment.

Cartman: Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

Mr. Garrison: No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 3: Sexual Harassment Panda
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, ball tickling
“Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: fat, big-boned, Fat-Shaming, ass bone
“Ms. Crabtree: SHUT UP BACK THERE! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Stan: Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.

Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said, 'I have a bad itch.'

Ms. Crabtree: Oh.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, fat bitch, shut up
“Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Dolphins, Eskimos, igloos
“Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]

Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: retarded kid, short bus, Elephant, antrhopomorphism
“Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?

Officer Barbrady: Well you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!

Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]

Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!”
— Barbra Streisand, South Park, Season 1: Mecha-Streisand
Tagged: fiona apple, Barbra Streisand, Bitch
“Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.”
— Announcer, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: lineage, paternity, teaser
“Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 1: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Tagged: Homophobia, Evil, Nazi, Vomitous, violent, Black Hearts
“I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Selling Out, Money, losers
“Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: That's Gay, Halloween
“How do you kill that which has no life?”
— Horrgash, South Park, Season 10: Make Love, Not Warcraft
Tagged: Walking Dead
“It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, 'Me Stan, bachump, BA-chewy-chump, BA-chewy-chump.' Back to you in the studio.”
— News Broadcaster, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: News Reports, Mistaken Identity
“You gotta respect my authora-tah!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Authority, Hitler
“We're all a little gay.”
— Jimbo, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: gay, everyone is gay
“Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.

Stan: Really?

Butters: No, I'm lying.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: Queer, bennigan's
“We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.”
— Announcer, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: static, we interrupt this program
“Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride—

Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!

Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: enya, Music, soothing, old age
“[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]

Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?

Coroner #2: I don't know, it just—it just makes everything taste so English.”
— Coroner #2, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: worcester sauce, english
“Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.

Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Tagged: TV, Reality, MacGyver
“Scott: I hate you and I wish you both had cancer!

Phillip: Cancer?

Scott: Yes, in the head.

Terrance: Head cancer?

Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day.”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: cancer, Hate
“Scott: What are you idiots doing?

Terrance: We're looking for treasure.

Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: idiots, insults, Treasure, Metaphor, Literalism
“Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?

[pause]

Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.

Stan: [hangs up] Goddamn it!

Jesus: I heard that!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: prayer, jesus, Murder, Assisted Suicide, blasphemy
“Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!

Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us.

Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Stan: I said, 'Rabbits eat lettuce.'

Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, Misheard
“Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?

Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, Mr. Cartman.

Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool. [he laughs along with Kyle]

Kyle: Sissy.

Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Howdy Doody, Raggedy Ann, Holly HObbie, costumes, Raggedy Andy
“[imitating Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video clip] 

I'm going to make love, even when I'm dead. 

My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed! 

Make love, don't you be afraid! 

Just because my heart isn't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Michael Jackson, thriller, parodies, Necrophilia
“Cartman: Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie!

Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!

Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you going to eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, NEH? NEH, NEH, NEH?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Tagged: sharing food
“Stan: Boo!

Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Ike's Wee Wee
Tagged: imitation, Mocking, M'Kay
“Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.

Chef: Actually—

Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.

Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Japanese Mafia, Money, pants, police investigations
“Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Sadness, Happiness, Feelings, Being Alive
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