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Jess Oppenheimer Quotes

Total quotes: 29
“Ricky Ricardo: Lucy's acting crazy!

Fred Mertz: Crazy for Lucy or crazy for ordinary people?”
— Fred Mertz, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her
Tagged: crazy crazy, regular crazy
“Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, were you snooping?

Lucy Ricardo: Yes I was a bad girl and you can spank me tomorrow if there's anything left to spank!”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: New Neighbors
Tagged: Snooping, bad girl, spanking
“Ricky Ricardo: What do you want me to do, starve to death?

Lucy Ricardo: Would you, please?”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Freezer
Tagged: starve to death, argument
“Fred Mertz: She said my mother looks like a weasel.

Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, apologize.

Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.”
— Ethel Mertz, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Fred and Ethel Fight
Tagged: Apologies, half-baked apologies, weasel
“Fred Mertz: You don't think she's a kleptomaniac, do you?

Ricky Ricardo: No, I think she just steals.”
— Fred Mertz, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Marriage License
Tagged: Kleptomaniac, synonyms
“Ricky Ricardo: I need someone with 'sperience.

Lucy Ricardo: Well I've had 'sperience.”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Freezer
Tagged: ESL, accents
“Lucy Ricardo: How'd you know all that stuff?

Ricky Ricardo: Who do you think you married, some country pumpkin?”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Lucy Gets Ricky on the Radio
Tagged: country bumpkin, Misheard
“[confessing to Lucy he didn't know the answers] All I know is Columbus discover' Ohio in 1776.”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Lucy Gets Ricky on the Radio
Tagged: Columbus, Ohio, 1776, Bad History
“Lucy Ricardo: Y'know, I've been thinking about shows like Burns and Allen. George Burns uses his wife on the show. Why don't you?

Ricky Ricardo: I'd love to! Do you think she would leave George?”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Audition
Tagged: Burns and Allen, George Burns, Gracie Burns, Radio Show
“Ricky Ricardo: Have you ever heard Lucy sing?

Fred Mertz: No.

Ricky Ricardo: Our fighting men have been through enough.”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Drafted
Tagged: bad singer
“Ricky Ricardo: Lucy's been acting strange lately!

Fred Mertz: Strange? How can you tell?”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Drafted
Tagged: strange, normal, insults
“Ricky Ricardo: Well, how does it feel to be married to an also been?

Ethel Mertz: An 'also been'?

Lucy Ricardo: He means a has ran.”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Ricky Asks for a Raise
Tagged: also ran, has been
“Arthur: But... You're a woman.

Lucy Ricardo: Yes, my husband likes me that way.”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Young Fans
Tagged: Woman, husband
“Don't ask questions, just get a knife and a fork and a bottle of ketchup and follow me to the biggest barbecue in the whole world.”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Freezer
Tagged: Ketchup, Barbecue
“Ricky Ricardo: She seems to have some idea that I'm going to kill her.

Fred Mertz: That doesn't mean anything. Sooner or later, every married woman decides that her husband wants to kill her. She's usually right.”
— Fred Mertz, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her
Tagged: Murder, Bad Marriage, murder fantasy
“Mr. Merriweather: My horoscope says no more business after noon today.

Lucy Ricardo: Oh, you follow horoscopes?

Mr. Merriweather: Yes! I'm Scorpio.

Lucy Ricardo: I'm Taurus.

Ricky Ricardo: I'm cooked.”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Séance
Tagged: Horoscopes, Scorpio, Taurus
“Ricky Ricardo: Listen, Professor, can you play that thin'?

Lucy Ricardo: What thin?

Ricky Ricardo: Never mind makin' fun of my English.

Lucy Ricardo: That's English?”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Audition
Tagged: spanish, english, accents
“Some people build model airplanes. Ethel reads postcards.”
— Fred Mertz, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Drafted
Tagged: Hobbies, postcards, insults
“Ricky Ricardo: I was clearing out the desk and I found this.

Lucy Ricardo: Why, it's our marriage license.

Ricky Ricardo: Yeah.

Lucy Ricardo: Well, what's the matter? Don't tell me it's expired!”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Marriage License
Tagged: marriage license, expired
“Ricky Ricardo: [discussing operetta Lucy wrote, but does not know she wrote it] Who wrote this thing, anyway?

Lucy Ricardo: Who wrote it? Have you ever heard of Victor Herbert?

Ricky Ricardo: Yeah.

Lucy Ricardo: Well all right, then.”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 2: The Operetta
Tagged: operetta, victor herbert
“Ricky Ricardo: Aw, honey, I don't care anything about that new dancer.

Lucy Ricardo: Hah!

Ricky Ricardo: Aw, honey, you can trust me.

Lucy Ricardo: I can, huh?

Ricky Ricardo: Why sure. I'm as faithful as an old dog.

Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, old Rover!”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Lucy is Jealous of Girl Singer
Tagged: Cheating, Trust
“Lucy Ricardo: I'm living on borrowed time. It was only by a very clever ruse that I managed to escape from their apartment.

Police Sergeant: What was that?

Lucy Ricardo: I pretended to be a chair.

Police Sergeant: I don't think the police can help you madam, why don't you call an upholsterer?”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: New Neighbors
Tagged: Paranoia, borrowed time
“Now, Ricky, listen to me, please, listen to me! That's what they asked me to do at the radio program in order to win that thousand dollars, and I came home and I tried to do it, and I don't know who that first man was, but I was never married to him, and this is the man from the program, and he's my real first husband, but I was never married to him either, and that's the truth, so help me!”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Quiz Show
Tagged: Marriage, false marriage, game show
“Lucy Ricardo: Fred, you've given me an idea. I'm going to give Ricky scalp treatments. And they'll be so drastic he'll be glad to forget the whole thing.

Fred Mertz: It won't work...

Lucy Ricardo: Why not?

Fred Mertz: Nothing has ever been invented that a man won't try if he thinks he can get his hair back.

Lucy Ricardo: Oh, yeah? Well, you haven't heard of the 'Lucy Ricardo Torture System of Hair Restoring.'”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Ricky Thinks He is Going Bald
Tagged: hair restoration, scalp treatments, Balding
“Ricky Ricardo: Excuse me, Mrs. Shakespeare, but would you mind telling me what this is all about?

Lucy Ricardo: Well, you see, all the women's clubs in town are having a big play-writing contest.

Ricky Ricardo: I knew it, I knew it. This had to do with the Wednesday Afternoon Fang and Claw Society.

Lucy Ricardo: It's the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League. Gee, just think, if our play wins I just might become a big, famous playwright. I might become another Tennessee Ernie.

Ricky Ricardo: That's Tennessee Williams.

Lucy Ricardo: Oh.”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Lucy Writes a Play
Tagged: play-writing, shakespeare, Tennessee Williams, Tennessee Ernie Ford
“Lucy Ricardo: They're going to kill us.

Police Sergeant: Why would they do that?

Lucy Ricardo: So they can assume our identities and blow up the capitol.

Police Sergeant: This is serious.

Lucy Ricardo: You're darned right it is!
These people are spies from a foreign enemy agent.

Police Sergeant: What are their names?

Lucy Ricardo: O'Brien!

Police Sergeant: Lady, have you been nipping the cooking sherry?”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: New Neighbors
Tagged: Drunk, Spies, Paranoia
“Fred Mertz: Hey Rick, are you doing anything Monday night?

Ricky Ricardo: I don't think so. It's my night off, why?

Fred Mertz: I'd like you to join me in commemoration of an 18-year-old tragedy.

Ricky Ricardo: What do you mean?

Fred Mertz: Well, it's our wedding anniversary.

Ricky Ricardo: Oh, you want us to join you in the celebration?

Fred Mertz: I'd prefer to think of it as a grim reminder.”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Girls Want to Go to a Nightclub
Tagged: Tragedy, Misery, wedding anniversary
“Lucy Ricardo: Now really, Ricky, it's up to us to get Fred and Ethel back together again. Say you'll help me?

Ricky Ricardo: Well, it would be nice. And I guess after you've gone through all this trouble and this far, the cast is dead.

Lucy Ricardo: The cast is dead?

Ricky Ricardo: Yeah, you know...

Lucy Ricardo: Don't tell me, don't tell me—the die is cast?

Ricky Ricardo: That's what I said.”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: Fred and Ethel Fight
Tagged: ESL, Die Is Cast
“Well, I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular? [pause] Well, are you? The answer to all your problems is in this little ol' bottle, Vitameatavegamin. [Checks the bottle label] That's it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, megetables and vinerals. So why don't you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitaveatyvemeanyminimoe. I'll tell you what you have to do. You have to take a whole tablespoonful after every meal. It's so tasty too. It's just like candy. [Takes a bit of time, if not too much, trying to sample the liquid.] Finally... [slurred speech] So everybody get a bottle of... [pointing at the bottle] This stuff.”
— Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Freezer
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