Chris Collins Quotes
Total quotes (16)
Total quotes (16)
I realized that in my downward spiral of hopelessness I was actually falling into a huge hole created by my absence of basic human graces. The most obvious was forgiveness. If I was wronged by anyone, in or out of the club, I had to be compensated by money or blood. There was no turning the other cheek. When relationships become a ledger of profit and loss, you have no friends, no loved ones, just pluses and minuses. You are absolutely alone.
There are lessons to be found here—but mostly, I do this so you can know me. Lately, as I write these, I realize they are as much for me as they are for you. This is the one place I can be completely open—the pen and paper has no judgment, no vote, it simply receives my truth and allows me to turn the page. And today, this is my truth. I am terrified a great deal of the time—afraid of what I've done, of what I'm doing, and of what I might have to do. It's not a crippling fear, in fact, it's just the opposite. I thrive on it, I crave it, I need that rush of terror to get me out of bed in the morning. It's in my DNA. I have tremendous remorse for the acts of violence I've committed, both planned and spontaneous. But I think what brings me the most sorrow is that I've learned to justify this behavior. I always find a reason, a cause, a need that allows me the karmic lubrication to stuff my guilt into a savage compartment. I've become the thing, the one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, when I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is so deep, so palpable, I fear I'll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass, and cut myself with shards of broken reflection. Since my best friend was killed, I've lost my center. 'Op' was always my pull back to true north. Now my doubt and sense of fraudulence bark so loudly in my head that most of the time I can't hear anything else. Love, camaraderie, freedom—all the things I want from this life are lost in the din. Forgive my indulgence, sons, but today may be a day we both remember. A defining day. And I want you to look back at this entry and know that at the very least, your father was completely honest, so you know I speak the truth when I tell you that you are the most important thing to me. I'll never hurt you, never abandon you. I love you, Abel. I love you, Thomas. More than anything or anyone. I always will. Everything I do is for my sons.
There will be days when you're forced to make decisions that affect the lives of everyone you love, choices that will change you forever. You reach an age where you realize that being a man isn't about respect or strength, it's about being aware of all the things you touch. Children face inward, wallow in their own selfish needs. Men face out, take action on the needs of others. I'm at that place boys. I'm staring one of those decisions in the face and it looks back at me with historical eyes and it calls me a coward, a killer, a fraud. It wants me to crack and run from the service of my fate like a broken boy. Today, I will not do that. Today, I will be the man my father tried to be. I will make you proud.
Whatever decisions happen here today, the outcome lands on you. Are you willing to let your family pay the price for your mistakes? Is that what a good man would do? Because if that happens, I promise you son, it's gonna destroy you and everything else you love, and that's not the law in me talking, that's a flawed mother who made a lot of mistakes. You're a husband, and a father, and a man before (gestures to his kutte) all of this. Own your place.