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Casual-Kiwi- Quotes

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Casual-Kiwi-

Casual-Kiwi-

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Total quotes (2)

What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.

— Casual-Kiwi-, What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa?

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What kind of organization is Atheism?
A non-prophet.

— Casual-Kiwi-, What kind of organization is Atheism?

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Related quotes to Casual-Kiwi- tagged Santa, Atheism, Puns

We have a choice about how we take what happens to us in our life and whether or not we allow it to turn us. We can become consumed by hate and darkness, or we’re able to regain our humanity somehow, or come to terms with things and learn something about ourselves.

— Angelina Jolie, Angelina takes professor to task for saying myth of Santa causes harms

Choices Decisions Lessons Learning

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Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

— Janet Evanovich, Visions of Sugar Plums

Holidays Christmas Tree santa

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Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.

— Unknown, 50 Funny, Clean Christmas Jokes That Will Get You In The Holiday Spirit

Christmas Jokes santa Depression

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7-year-old: Santa isn't real.

Me: That's right.

7: But he can still stop here if he wants to.

— James Breakwell, via twitter.com

Christmas santa kids Children Adorable

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Where does Santa keep all his money? At the local snow bank.

— Unknown, 50 Funny, Clean Christmas Jokes That Will Get You In The Holiday Spirit

santa Christmas Jokes

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Male & female Reindeer grow antlers, but males lose them in winter. All Santa’s reindeer, Rudolph too, are therefore female.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson, via Twitter

reindeer santa Christmas rudolph

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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!

— Unknown, 50 Funny, Clean Christmas Jokes That Will Get You In The Holiday Spirit

Christmas Jokes santa Wordplay

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How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.

— Unknown, 50 Funny, Clean Christmas Jokes That Will Get You In The Holiday Spirit

santa Puns Christmas Jokes

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The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

— Unknown, 50 Terrible, Quick Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand

Pun Dyslexia devil santa satan

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God put Santa Claus on earth to remind us that Christmas is 'sposed to be a happy time.

— Bil Keane, Jeffy's Lookin' at Me

Holidays God santa Christmas

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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?
$0, it's on the house.

— kittycait88, How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

santa Christmas

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7-year-old: Do you think Santa is making our presents right now?

5-year-old: Maybe not. We were pretty bad.

— James Breakwell, via twitter.com

Children kids children conversations Christmas santa Adorable

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Prayer doesn't work because someone out there is listening, it works because someone in here is listening. I've paid attention. I've pictured what I want to happen in my life. I've meditated extensively on my family, my future, my past actions and what did and didn't work for me about them.

— Adam Savage, Words to Chew On: Mythbusters’ Adam Savage Delievers Speech For Morality

prayer atheism meditation Listening

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It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

— Ricky Gervais, Outsoaring the Shadow: Atheistic thoughts on life and death

atheism Religion Death Life

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I am an atheist and I consider religions to be a form of collective neurosis. I am not an enemy of the Catholics, as I am not an enemy of the tuberculars, the myopic or the paralytics; you cannot be an enemy of the sick, only their good friend in order to help them cure themselves.

— Diego Rivera, via www.goodreads.com

atheism Catholic Religion Christianity Neurosis

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I'm actually the fourth generation in my family to have no practical use for the church, or God, or religion. My children continue this trend

— Adam Savage, Words to Chew On: Mythbusters’ Adam Savage Delievers Speech For Morality

Religion God Church Family atheism

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I so miss being an atheist.

— Donatello Redfield (Keith Szarabajka), Supernatural, Season 11: All in the Family

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There is no God in the Badlands.

— Quinn (Marton Csokas), Into the Badlands, Season 1: The Fort

atheism Nihilism

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Those who say that the study of science makes a man an atheist, must be rather silly people.

— Max Born, via rsc.byu.edu

atheism Science

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People who are atheists, they hate God, they hate the expression of God, and they are angry with the world, angry with themselves, angry with society and they take it out on innocent people who are worshipping God.

— Pat Robertson, via www.christianpost.com

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An atheist, a CrossFitter, and a vegan walk into a bar. I know because they told me.

— Unknown, 50 Short, Clean Jokes And Puns That Will Get You A Laugh Every Time

atheism CrossFit Vegan

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I do not think I could myself, be brought to support a man for office, whom I knew to be an open enemy of, and scoffer at, religion.

— Abraham Lincoln, via www.abrahamlincolnonline.org

Religion atheism Scoffing

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If you want to prove that God is not dead first prove that man is alive.

— Rod Serling, Rod Serling | About Rod Serling | American Masters | PBS

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God's not unjust, he doesn't actually exist. We've been deceived. If God existed, he'd have made the world more just....I'll lend you a book and you'll see.

— Joseph Stalin, via en.wikiquote.org

Darwin Darwinism Socialism Social Darwinism God atheism

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Most of the year I'm an atheist but I typically start to believe during the holidays.
I guess you could say I'm eggnostic.

— DingDongInDaPingPong, Most of the year I'm an atheist but I typically start to believe during the holidays.

atheism Holidays

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By the way, there’s no need to scare atheists with the threat of eternal hell for their non-belief. Atheist or not, to live in Pakistan with any ‘unapproved’ belief is hell enough already.

— Qasim Rashid, The Wrong Kind of Muslim

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Sam: [concerning God] All current indications of His presence are...that there are no current indications of His presence.

Rowena: Well dear, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of hell.

— Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki), Supernatural, Season 11: O Brother Where Art Thou?

God atheism Hell

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I am not saying I know for a fact there is no God. All I am saying is that if there is a divine force behind the universe, it is laughing hysterically at the religions we've created in an attempt to define it.

— Dan Brown, Origin: A Novel

Religion atheism Agnosticism Pluralism

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What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.

— Unknown, 50 Funny, Clean Christmas Jokes That Will Get You In The Holiday Spirit

Santa Claus Christmas Jokes Puns

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What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

— Unknown, 50 Funny, Clean Christmas Jokes That Will Get You In The Holiday Spirit

Christmas Jokes Santa Claus Puns

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

— Unknown, 50 Terrible, Quick Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand

Puns atheism Nonprofits

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PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

— Unknown, 50 Terrible, Quick Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand

pms Puns Ovaries

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

— Wes Bergmann, via twitter.com

Elevator Jokes Sex Amazing Puns Greatest Puns Best Puns of All Time Puns Funny Quotes Elevator Sex

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Did you hear about the chef that died?
He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He ran out of thyme
He lentil us some of his best secrets.

— pm-me-big-boobies, Did you hear about the chef that died?

Chef Death Pasta Pizza Puns

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I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

— Debbie McGee, via twitter.com

Puns Quote of the Momemt clocks Time Watch

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Wanna hear a bad cat joke? Just kitten!

— Unknown, 25 Funny Cat Puns That Are Paws-itively Hilarious

Cat Puns Puns Jokes

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Happy 4th of July! Hope your day is a blast, but not literally.

— Neil Patrick Harris, via Twitter

Fourth Of July Fireworks Puns

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Oof. I am knee deep in Oscars' rehearsals. Why, oh why did I ask for a wading pool...

— Neil Patrick Harris, via Twitter

oscars Puns Swimming

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I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Animal Jokes Puns One-Liners

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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

— Unknown, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Jokes Animal Jokes Flamingos Dating Relationships Puns Marriage

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Like a German vegetarian, I feared the wurst.

— Unknown, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes German Wurst Puns play on words Vegetarian

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Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

— Bad Joke Cat, via twitter.com

Punny Jokes Funny Quotes Clean Jokes One Line Jokes Funny Jokes Puns Funny Puns

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i don’t understand why people think that depression goes away on holidays?? like ho ho ho I’m still feliz navidying

— outer-space-howell, via Tumblr

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Santa says you’ve been naughty

You’re a ho ho ho!

— eudxmonic, via Tumblr

Puns Dirty Puns

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My friend asked me why I always use pokemon puns.
My only response was "Wynaut?"

— redmaddic, My friend asked me why I always use pokemon puns

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I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death.

— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

Jokes Puns One-Liners Grim Reaper

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I’d like to start with the chimney jokes—I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

Jokes One-Liners Puns

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I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything—trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

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