1.

“Oh, Max, I…wanna kiss you for the rest of my life.” – Dream Abby (Sam Morelos)

“God, I hope you practiced on your hand.” – Dream Max (Matt Cornett)

“Oh, I have. I really have.” – Dream Abby

2.

“At my school, if you wanted answers to life’s questions, most pray to a bearded ghost-gentleman. I turn to a much more reliable source of information. Our school mascot, the St. Bernard, AKA Bernie. People often forget there’s a person under all that costume, so he hears it all.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

3.

“Max Warren. Tell me what you know.” – Young Abby (Alina Santos)

“His mom works at Bank of America. His uncle, missing. No one has seen him since Lent. His uncle gave up soda and then he was gone.” – Young Bernie

4.

“Look, you don’t need to 69 Max, but, if you decide to 69 Max, you’re his ho’ fo’ sho’.” – Bernie (Fernando Carsa)

“If I 69 Max, I’m his ho’ fo’ sho’.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

5.

“Someone took a stroll onto an active soccer field, what’s that about?” – Nurse Appleman (Michael Kostroff)

“Sometimes when I get anxious, I nervous hallucinate.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Oh, yeah, I’ve been there. I used to hallucinate all the time when I was your age. But that’s because I was on an ungodly amount of LSD.” – Nurse Appleman (Michael Kostroff)

6.

“What do you mean it could be, it’s nail polish.” – Destiny (Nicole Byer)

“But it could be lip gloss, look. Oh, no, that’s burning.” – Angel (Liza Koshy)

7.

“Guys, this is our Cheers!” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Where everybody knows your nips.” – Angel (Liza Koshy)

8.

“Uh, Brainsbrainsbrains says, ‘Hi, Abby-Cadaver, huge fan’, thank you, ‘Heard there was a secret room in Wyatt’s Saloon?’ Yes. If you go up the staircase, locate the pregnant saloon girl zombie…there she is…rip out her fetus, lasso the umbilical cord around the chandelier, swing, and you’re in.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

9.

“Diamond Dolls, where the girls are…I dunno. I can’t remember.” – Betty (Paula Pell)

“[in a deep voice] Hello. I am a guy. Obviously. Looking for a dancer named Santa Monica to come to my home this evening for a respectful dance. Is eight o’clock sharp okay?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Okay, so it’s cash only, and it’s a hundred an hour, three hours minimum. That’s about five hundred, I think. And you better tip ’em.” – Betty (Paula Pell)

“Not an issue. I, uh…work in bonds. And I sell jet skis.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

10.

“Okay, where am I in this story? Why am I in a basic-ass kitchen?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

11.

“Don’t you have, like, a sister or a girlfriend or something? Ask her. Not some hot stripper you catfished.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“No, I don’t have someone. I…One week, that’s all I need. I can pay you.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“In what? Pez dispensers? I’m good.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

12.

“Can you please stop thrusting your crotch?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“What, you don’t like a little sex coach?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

13.

“I had to think fast. Spend every dime I had getting with Max or get my dream car. Uh...” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Pay For It, You Sad Slut.” – Embroidered Hand Towel

14.

“I think I can make you enough money to save the club in time. If I got you the 20 grand would you consider letting me co-own Diamond Dolls?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Baby…I can’t keep running this show. You can have the whole thing. As long as I can still hang around and shake my bra biscuits for another 60 years.” – Betty (Paula Pell)

“Wait, you want to be a stripper at 110?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“I told ya, I’m not good with math.” – Betty (Paula Pell)

15.

“How’d you sleep?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Alright, rule number one, no small talk. You say something interesting, or nothing at all.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Did you know that worms are the only animals that 69?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“What the f**k am I supposed to do with that?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

16.

“…teachers don’t hang out with their students, unless they’re f**king, which we’re not.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

15.

“Happy to be in business with you.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Oh my god, that breath isn’t. Did you like eat a poo for dinner?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

16.

“Jesus, are your ankles drunk? Did you have a piña colada while you ate shit for dinner?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Come on. I have never worn heels before.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

17.

“I AM A SEX MACHINE!” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Yes, bitch, there she is! There she is. Now tell Max what you do.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“I am a machine that gives you sex.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Okay, what else?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Uh, I was made in a horny lab by dirty scientists. They all got so turned on they started kissing each other.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“And you made it weird. Coffee break.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

18.

“Have you ever watched porn?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Ography?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Alright, that’s a no.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

19.

“Someone told me if you put your finger on your eyelid, it feels like a penis.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Huh, wait it does actually. Not no.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Right?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Yeah. Okay, one point for Griffindork.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

20.

“You’re spending $20,000 to get with a guy because his hair is good?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Did you have a crush when you were my age?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Jean-Paul Giordano.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“What did you know about him?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“He was obsessed with Disney World, and his brother drowned in a pool.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

21.

“Oh, god, Principal Morris is starring at me like I just joined a sex cult.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Oh my god, ew, I can’t believe he still works here. Wait, when I was a senior, he used to do this like disgusting eye trick where he’d use one eye to look at your chest. So gross, I tried to get the perv fired.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“You know he has a glass eye, right?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

22.

“Nice camel toe, Ann Taylor Loft.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

23.

“Okay, most guys don’t know your clitter from your shitter, so, in order to really enjoy your first sexual experience, you have to be good at giving direction.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

24.

“You gotta figure out what turns you on. Like, for me, it’s choking, but I have trauma.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Maybe you pick something, and I’ll go die of embarrassment in the car.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

25.

“You jizzed on your dad!!!” – Abby’s Imaginary Zombie Mom (Emy Coligado)

26.

“I’m no therapist, but I do listen to bald guys with boners talk about their wives for a living…” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

27.

“Ooh, Okay suit. Okay, wait this is kinda chic.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“You look like someone named Judy.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“[in a deep voice] Hi, I’m Judy and I’m taking away your kids ’cause you have a pill problem.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

28.

“What do you do with the balls?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Treat ’em like a bug-bite. You know it’s there, but you try to ignore it.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

29.

“Risky Business was my sexual awakening, I mean, come on, Tom Cruise in a men’s button down and the tightie whities and socks?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Wait, where were his pants?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Who gives a shit?” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

30.

“I hope you come.” – Max (Matt Cornett)

“Great I hope you come too.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there. I live there so…” – Max (Matt Cornett)

“Oh. Convenient.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

31.

“Okay, now these are the opening credits. These are the actors, but they’re not going to be playing themselves. Just so you know…They’re in the movie.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“Are you just explaining what a movie is to me?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

32.

“I still don’t get why he doesn’t have pants on.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

“Because it’s cool. It’s cool to not wear pants.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

“What, so like Winnie the Pooh is cool now?” – Abby (Sam Morelos)

33.

“Your hair is really long.” – Robin (Natalie Morales)

“Thanks, it’s extensions. Well, some of it’s mine, the rest is, like…horse.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

34.

“You gotta stop calling me ma’aam, I like just got health insurance.” – Santa Monica (Chloe Fineman)

35.

“Don’t you ever, ever call me a dancer. I am Betty Spaghetti, and I’m a goddamned stripper.” – Betty (Paula Pell)

36.

“What have you done Abigail?” – Mr. Flores (Scott Connors)

“What do you have to say for yourself?” – Mrs. Flores (Emy Coligado)

“I made a friend.” – Abby (Sam Morelos)